Top Ten Movies of 2024, part deux

 Before I describe in detail my top five movies of last year, I need to throw in a movie I saw a couple of days ago that I've been thinking about ever since. This would have definitely made my list, but I'll just include it here as an addendum to the list.

Would have made my top ten: Red Rooms

Red Rooms is a psychological thriller about a man who is on trial for brutally assaulting and murdering three young girls and showing it on a webcam on the dark web. There's a strange beautiful woman who keeps showing up to the trial and the movie is ultimately about her obsession with the trial and how that obsession can change a person for good and for bad. Incredibly well acted, it's a brooding and sinister look at the dark places in a person's soul. There is one specific scene at the trial that I won't be able to get out of my head for a long time. Highly recommend.

5. Heretic

Another surprising horror movie/psychological thriller on my list. In this movie, two Mormons show up at a house to try and make converts of the houseowners but the husband knows quite a bit about their religion as well as others and lures them into a twisted game to truly test their belief. Hugh Grant is phenomenal in the lead role, and the two Mormon women are excellent as well. Some of his arguments I thought were really well done, and you will never look at Blueberry pie the same way ever again.

4. Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga

No one believed that George Miller could ever top his masterpiece "Mad Max: Fury Road" but still the expectations were super high when it was announced that the next movie in the Mad Max franchise was going to be a prequel focusing on Imperator Furiosa from Fury Road. It's true that we didn't get the completely batshit crazy non-stop action that we got from that movie. What we did get was a really good backstory, an actual plot, some world building (something new to this franchise to be honest; usually you had to fill in yourself what this world was about), and a tremendously flawed villain, with Chris Hemsworth playing the true to his name Dementus. I can't believe this flopped at the box office. The action was still there (there's one setpiece that might rival Fury Road in how epic it is), Anya Taylor-Joy did a great job stepping into the role of Furiosa, and there is some stunning stunt work here. I'm sad that Miller will probably never be able to return to Mad Max ever again; these type of movies just don't get made anymore.

Note: I have changed the order of my top three movies after thinking long and hard about in what order these movies really moved me.

3. Conclave

I was mostly free of religion up until my junior high years; however what religious experiences I did have in those early years was due to my grandmother, who was a devout Catholic. I remember going to Mass at a church near her house; and it was confusing but it was always interesting. The priest of that church was an incredible man - funny thing is that a couple of months ago my brother asked me if I knew his name and it came to me immediately.

This movie was way better than I thought it was going to be; after all, a movie about cardinals gathering together to choose the next pope sounds like a dreadful snore. However, it was riveting and I will give anyone a hundred dollars who can guess correctly what happens at the end. You think you know, and even if you get one part of it right, the reasons behind the ending is something no one could possibly predict. A large group of Catholics are up-in-arms about the ending; I thought it was beautiful and inspiring and hopefully the direction the Catholic Church will steer towards. I'm not holding my breath though.

2. Civil War

This Alex Garland written and directed movie has been my number one movie of the year from the moment I saw it. I only changed it number two literally as I wrote these out because I revisited my number one, formerly number two movie and I have to give it a slight nod over this one because the themes of that movie, although different from my personal experience as a straight white man, are themes I have only realized recently that I have been wrestling with my whole life.

Many people found this movie disappointing because of several reasons. For one, this movie is not one that deals with a black and white worldview. The normal good guys might not actually be the good guys. The normal bad guys might not actually be the bad guys. Florida and Texas according to this movie have seceded from America and are fighting against...a fascist right wing president? For most people this made no sense. However, if you take your focus off of the backstory details of this world Garland has created, and live in the uncomfortable chaotic tension of a country in the middle of a civil war, I think you will understand what a masterpiece this is.

There are so many themes that are applicable to today's time: the role of truth telling and cold observance by our media; the horror of not only the machinations of war but also the unflinching acceptance of what happens to normal life during war; it's a movie that will challenge your idea of what America would be like if we continue down the path we're going on. There are so many scenes that I can't get out of my head. One in particular involves Jesse Plemons as a white supremacist so cold and calculating - and yet a character that totally makes sense in the context of today's time - that I've revisited it at least five times. 

Alex Garland in my opinion never disappoints - even his movie Men, although very flawed, made me think about its themes for months. I only wish I would have seen this in IMAX; the sound design in the last twenty minutes must have been both super impressive and nightmarish.

1. I Saw The TV Glow

This is a movie that I would have never watched ten years ago. Back then, I was definitely on the side of supporting and affirming the "gay lifestyle" but I never felt a desire to actually inhabit that world. It was foreign to me and I honestly would have felt like an intruder. I think this started to change when I was listening to a podcast and a friend of mine from college shared his story of coming out and the amount of pain yet hope he experienced. And it made me realize that to a certain degree, almost all of us can relate to feeling like a stranger in a foreign land, living in a world where you feel like no one truly understands who you are, and fighting constantly the societal pressures of conforming to a life of similitude. At what point do you give up and give in and just become another cog in the normality machine?

I am not a gay person. But I can relate to the themes of this movie because for thirty plus years I felt like an alien in a world that felt familiar and that I could take comfort in at certain times but ultimately the box that that world kept trying to keep me in could not contain my struggles, my doubts, my differences. That world was religion.

I Saw The TV Glow is about two people growing up who never fit the typical teenager mold and who take solace and togetherness in a shared experience of a TV show called The Pink Opaque. (it felt kind of like a Buffy the Vampire Slayer vibe) They both desire to escape the constrictive nature of their upbringing. One ultimately gets out; the other one resigns themselves to slowly conforming to the banality of their existence. A review of this movie puts it very well:

There are plenty of films that feature queer misery. There are even more fandoms that feature it. These works, whether they intend to or not, can betray our desire for affirmation and lead us to despair, but they are still valuable. In recalling them, we learn the limitations of searching for oneself in media. The difference is that I Saw the TV Glow doesn’t just feature queer misery, it’s specifically about it—the brutality is a feature, not a bug. It’s playing with the same tropes as bad faith queer films and fandom media, often with a bit of a wicked grin, but it’s a controlled environment. This is an exploration of what a ‘darkest timeline’ version of adolescent development might have looked like for a trans kid in the 90s. A timeline where development was stymied constantly, and in the place where identity and relationships were supposed to form, a dependency on a TV show emerged instead. It walks you right up to the brink of despair, but never forces you over it. 

I highly recommend this movie. It is different than anything I've ever seen and the fourth wall breaking feels transgressive at times, but give it a chance. It may make you think about your life and upbringing and what could have been different if you only had the courage to make a choice instead of letting that choice be made for you (something I have struggled with my whole life).

Top Ten Movies of 2024, part 1

 2024 feels like a year where there weren't that many great movies, but looking at my list, I realize that some of them on here are some of my favorites of the last few years. It seems like every year, there is somewhat of a central theme that runs through my viewing adventure of that year, whether it be movies or TV shows. For example, the year where Parasite was my favorite movie, the theme of rich vs. poor was prevalent throughout my media consumption.

This year is no exception. It seems like a common thread for this year has been identity. Who are we really? As individuals? As a country? Are we truly living our authentic self, or are we hiding who we really are because society tells us we have to? This is something I've been thinking about all year, and it was interesting to see it also reflect in my media consumption.

First, let's do my honorable mentions. There is one that I didn't include in my original list so I'll mention it briefly: The Substance. I am not a big body horror fan so this movie made me squirm the entire time. However, Demi Moore puts on an incredible performance and Margaret Qualley - who I've liked ever since The Leftovers - shines as well. The reason it's not in my top ten besides the body horror aspect is that it seems to deliver its metaphor about aging and how women are treated in society as they get older with the largest hammer ever. This movie is certainly not subtle.

Honorable Mention: Hundreds Of Beavers

A delightfully crazy romp of a movie that feels like a Looney Tunes cartoon come to life. Creative and expressive with little dialogue and a lot of people in mascot suits running around causing mayhem.

Honorable Mention: Late Night With The Devil

I don't know why this year I gravitated towards a genre I often overlook: horror. If I was a therapist, I would probably tell myself that it's because watching horror movies helps me escape the horror of living on this earth during this time of existence, but I'm not so I'll just say that this year had some great horror movies, this one being one of the best ones. It reminded me of the Satanic Panic of the 1970's and some of the effects in this movie were truly jaw dropping. 

Honorable Mention: A Quiet Place: Day One

I agree with a couple of the hosts at the filmcast podcast that the title of this movie definitely doesn't pay off and was marketed wrong. We were told that we were going to get a movie that explained how everything began and how humanity discovered that silence was the key to survival against the horrifying aliens. We didn't get that. What we did get though was a beautiful story about a woman coming to terms with her mortality. Lupita Nyong'o is fantastic in this. And so is the cat. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time worried about that damn cat.

Ok, now here is my top ten, from ten to number one.

10. Challengers

Not very many people know this, but I was a huge tennis fan in the mid to late eighties. I didn't play the sport much, but the first time I saw Andre Agassi play on TV I was hooked. This is a tennis movie; but more than that it is a movie about friendship, the cost of obsession, and how thruples are super sexy and super impossible. The tennis is great, but the three main performances are even greater. I had a really great time watching this movie.

9. The Wild Robot

Another Nyong'o performance that was outstanding this year; this one being the voice of a futuristic robot sent to a land full of animals. It's main theme is about adoption, but there is so much more going for this film. I cried a few times, and although it seems like animated films are designed to do just that these days, it wasn't forced. I only wish I could have seen the animated movie Flow before deciding this was my favorite animated movie of the year.

8. Will And Harper

I try to include at least one documentary every year that challenged me and made me see the world in a different light. This is a movie about a road trip by Will Ferrell - the comedian, SNL standout and comedic movie star - and his long time friend, Harper. Harper was a writer on SNL during Ferrell's tenure. One day she told Will that she was a trans woman, and they agreed to go on a road trip to some of Harper's favorite parts of America. Such a fascinating look at friendship, the way trans people are treated in different parts of the USA, and the fears and challenges of finally accepting who you are vs. who others think you are.

7. It's What's Inside

Oh man, what a fun movie this was. I don't remember who recommended this to me; I was a bit skeptical about it but having loved Bodies Bodies Bodies even though the gen Z-ness of it kind of irritated me, I gave this movie full of gen z actors a chance and I'm so glad I did. I don't want to spoil it for anyone, so the basic detail is that a group of friends are getting together and one of them brings a tech machine that allows you to swap bodies with others. Hilarity and horror ensue and the director does such an amazing job of helping you keep track of who is in who's body. So much fun.

6. Dune Part Two

Another little known fact about me: I grew up devouring the Dune books. I brought one of them to a trip with my best friend when I went with him and his family to Alaska, and because it was summer and there was twenty hours of sunlight, I read it over and over again over those two weeks. I remember the David Lynch movie when it came out; it was strange and crazy and could have been good but the technology just wasn't ready in the eighties to really make it work. Denis Villaneuve is one of my favorite directors of the last decade and he got this story right. I did miss Patrick Stewart as Gurney Halleck holding a pug in one hand and a blaster in the other leading the charge of the Atreides against the Harkonnens and the Sarduakar, but everything else was perfect. And he made the right call with the ending of this movie, changing the triumph of Paul Atreides as not a good thing but rather an ominously bad thing.

Next Post: Top Ten Movies of 2024 (5-1)

Christmas Time Is Here

Christmas time is here

Happiness and cheer

Fun for all that children call

Their favorite time of year

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas right now. It's funny that I've chosen careers in my lifetime where this season is incredibly busy and demanding of my time and attention. Being a mail carrier is really tough this time of year. You have way more packages, and the post office is always trying to find ways to screw us over, so this year just like last year, we aren't allowed to come in early to deliver packages. We have to take everything on our route, so we come back super late in the dark.

My position has changed though since September, and my job has become easier and better. Before, I was a city carrier that did just one route every day. But then a T6 position opened up and I was the winning bidder on it. As a T6, I get paid more and I take five different routes off days. I love the variety of having five different routes. And most of them are pretty easy. I used to have ten to twelve miles of walking a day; now I have maybe a couple of miles. Which means I have to find other ways of not being fat haha.

Of course the first career that I had was ministry, and the last several years was worship ministry, so Christmas was a big deal. Now, when I assess myself as a minister back in the day, I think I was a much better youth minister than worship minister. And honestly, I think I liked youth ministry better, mostly because I didn't have to really interact with the senior minister that much. It seems like most of my problems being on a church staff has been with the relationship with the senior minister. I'm sure some of it is my fault, but I've also worked for some senior ministers who had some serious control issues.

Anyway, as I said I thought I was better as a youth minister. But where I think I excelled in worship ministry was Christmas. I never wanted to just do Christmas songs the way they've always been done; I wanted to find new versions, new songs, and I'm not tooting my own horn here because this comes from people at the churches I worked at, but I really tried to make Christmas special from a worship ministry standpoint.

Not everyone appreciated that though. I remember one Christmas I did some very different things at the Christmas eve service. I did not do anything traditional, I did some very interesting versions of Christmas songs. We got some really good feedback from that year. However, the senior minister I worked for did not like it. I think he may have appreciated it, but the conversation went kind of like this:

Him: why didn't you do a more traditional Christmas eve service? People really like the traditional stuff at that time.

Me: not according to the comments we got from people. One person said that they hadn't been to a Christmas eve service in years but wanted to come back in January because they enjoyed the variations we did on Christmas songs. Another person said that if this is how we did regular church, they would be there every week.

Him: well my parents didn't like it. (his parents went to the church)

Me: your parents are Christians right?

Him: yes...

Me: well the people I'm talking about aren't, or are nominal Christians, so what we did Christmas even might have helped them get closer to god and perhaps we may see them become part of our church.

Him: but my parents didn't like it.

Me: I'm sorry that they didn't, but isn't our Christmas eve service designed to help move those who only come on Christmas and Easter to become members of our church? Your parents are already members and have been Christians for decades. 

Him: I want my parents to be happy about going to the Christmas eve service.

Me: So what you're saying is that really you want me to tailor a Christmas eve service for your parents and their generation who already are in the church, to get away from our mission as a church and to basically say "too bad" to the other people who like the edgy version of Christmas eve.

Him: I guess so.

And that's what I had to do for the next several years at that church. And we never got another positive comment about Christmas eve services in the time I was there. No negative comments, just no positive ones.

The good thing is that I had more leeway on the Sundays of December so I could pour my creative energy into those services.

I know this post is kind of all over the place, but I'm glad that I can appreciate Christmas music again. It took several years after I left ministry and faith in order to do so.

Also - Relient K has the best Christmas album of this millenium.

And - I just discovered another new favorite Christmas song. It's called "Christmas Lights" by the band Yellowcard. Check it out! It's so good.

One of my goals for next year is to get back into playing guitar, grabbing a few friends, and playing some Christmas songs somewhere in December.

Merry  Christmas, everyone.

It's been six years...

 It's been six years since I've done anything with this blog. Does anyone read blogs anymore? Doubtful I'm sure. Blogs are most likely over as we know it. I don't think people have the attention span anymore to actually read anything, let alone a blog post on a computer. I know that my attention span has changed drastically. I have a hard time reading a real book. I can listen to an audiobook; but actually reading a book, I fall asleep quickly. 

So maybe this is a bad idea, bringing back something that no one will read. But I know I will read it. And I feel like I need a place to vent, a place to ruminate on what is happening in the world, where I can process what is happening in the world and my role in it.

Anyway, though no one will read this, I think I will attempt at restarting this.

Easter, April Fools Day and Bart Ehrman, part 1

Did you know that Easter has only fallen on April Fools Day something like six times in the modern era, including today? Pretty crazy.

Even though I'm no longer a believer, during this time of the year I think a lot about the Holy Week leading up to Easter. Perhaps part of it is because for many years, the week leading up to Easter was the busiest week for me. (On a side note, one thing that is rather ironic is that my daughter's Spring Break week always fell on the week before Easter, which meant I was so busy that I didn't really get to spend much time with her while she was off, but the last three years since I've been out of ministry, the school district has changed it to the week after Easter. Go figure.)

However, one of the main reasons I'm usually in a pensive mood during this time every year is because of how inconsistent the biblical accounts of the events leading up to the crucifixion, the crucifixion itself, and the resurrection are, and how some of it makes no sense whatsoever.

I don't remember when I started getting wind of the differences in the gospels concerning these events. I was trying to recall my years in bible college and if I was taught these inconsistencies or if they were explained away and since we were being taught, I just assumed that what they were saying was true.

Here is one of the reasons why this gets me these days: if you think about it, the most important event in Christianity is the resurrection, and to a little lesser extent, the death of Jesus. Paul, in 1 Corinthians, talks about this importance, because he even said that if the resurrection didn't happen, "our preaching is useless and so is your faith." So if this is the most important concept, the most important theological construct, the most important event in human history, why is it that none of the gospels actually agree with what actually happened? (a lot of this reasoning is from Bart Ehrman's book Jesus, Interrupted.)

For example, when did the cleansing of the temple happen? In Mark, it happened during the last week of Jesus. In John, it happened at the beginning of his ministry. What about Palm Sunday? Did Jesus ride one animal, or did he ride two as he did in the book of Matthew? (This is attributed to Matthew making sure that Jesus fulfilled every prophecy he could think of and rather than understanding that when it said that the Messiah would ride in on a donkey and a colt that it was poetic language, Matthew took it literally.) What happened during the trial before Pilate? In Mark, Jesus hardly talks. In John, they have a long discourse. In Luke, there is another trial before Herod. What about Judas? Why did he betray Jesus? In Mark, no reason is given. In Matthew, he did it for the money. In Luke, he did it because Satan entered into him. In John, Judas is actually called a devil, which meant he had an evil streak. Also, how did Judas die? In Matthew, it says that he hanged himself. In Acts, it says that he fell headlong and burst open in the middle and that his bowels gushed out.

And what about the actual crucifixion? What did Jesus say on the cross? In Mark, he's practically silent. In John, he's saying all kinds of things. When did the curtain that separated the Holy Place from the Most Holy place tear in half? According to Mark, after Jesus breathes his last, the curtain is torn in half. In Luke it happens while Jesus is still alive and hanging on the cross. And let's not even get started about how in Matthew, zombies came up from the graves when Jesus died.

There have been a lot of theological and mental gymnastics by biblical scholars to reconcile these differences in the death of Jesus. They will say that all of these things happened, it's just that different gospel writers wrote different parts of the story. Or that they were writing to different audiences and emphasized different things. I don't believe any of that is correct, but even if I was to cede that argument, here's the discrepancy about Jesus' death that is so significant and so irreconcilable that to me it destroys any credibility of these stories.

It's about the day when the crucifixion happened.

In Matthew, Mark and Luke, the crucifixion happens the day of Passover. In those gospels, the Last Supper (which is the meal for the preparation for the passover) happens and Jesus and the disciples eat the meal. Jesus is then arrested that night, the trial happens through the night into the morning, and Jesus dies the next day.

In John, the crucifixion happens a day earlier, on the Day of Preparation for the Passover. There is a final meal but there is no Last Supper where Jesus talks about the bread being his body or the wine his blood. Instead he washes his disciples' feet (which is not found in the other gospels).

Let me reiterate this: in Mark, Jesus eats the Passover meal and is crucified the following morning. In John, Jesus does not eat the Passover meal but is crucified on the day before the Passover meal was to be eaten.

This cannot be reconciled. Believe me people have tried. Why is John different? Here's the main theory why. "John" (who was not the author) wrote his gospel twenty-five years later than Mark, and one of his main emphases is that Jesus is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. In order for that theme to align all the way through, he has to change the day and the time of when Jesus is crucified to the day and time when the Passover lambs were being slaughtered all over Israel, to show that Jesus was the ultimate Passover Lamb sacrificed for the sins of the world.

If a gospel writer is willing to change a super important fact, one that is very pivotal to the story of Christ, then what else are they willing to change in order to suit their needs? And how much has been changed throughout history? I know we have some pieces of the Bible that go back a long ways, but not all the way to when it was written. So all of this could have changed from the time it happened to the time it was written down, as well as from the time it was written down to the oldest pieces we have.

Do you see how this undermines the Bible? Do you see how it should be hard to believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God?

And don't even get me started with the resurrection. The pivotal event. Well, don't get me started yet. That's part two. :)

My Two Year Journey

This is a post that I've written a thousand times in my mind.

Every time I came up a little bit short when it came to writing it out. There was always the sense of it being the wrong timing, the fear of the impact of what I had to say, the constant worrying of how it was going to affect my relationship with people I respect greatly. There's the possibility of being ostracized. Of people being angry and confused.

There's also the opposite affect. That I've done damage to my relationships in such a large way already that my "announcement" is met with one giant "Meh." Which I'm ok with, believe me. But I think that when we make a huge decision, or announce something in our lives that we think is a big deal, that there is some kind of response.

Let me go ahead and get it out right now. I'm not going to string you along or draw it out. I'm going to tell you what it is, and then I'm going to explain my journey. So here it is.

I no longer believe in God.
I am no longer a Christian.
I do not believe in the supernatural.
I believe that this is the only life we have.

Let me describe for you my journey to this point.

I have been out of ministry for two years now. I'm not going to get into all the details, but let's just say that it was a very tough departure. When I left the church I was at, I was kind of bitter at it all. There is definite blame on both sides, that I will not dispute, but the experience of leaving was one that left a huge mark on my heart. It took me about five months to find another job outside of ministry, but it still affects me and I still ache because of what happened. But let's go back to when I first had these feelings.

I have always felt like a square peg in a round hole. I became a Christian officially some time around third grade, being baptized in a murky pond up at church camp. But I really had no idea what I was doing.

I became more and more involved in church in my junior high and high school days, even excelling in a program called Bible Bowl. This is where I believe my life turned for the worst. You see, I was extremely interested in science. My school friends and I were nerds and we liked science stuff. But when I started doing well in Bible Bowl, I drew myself nearer to my church friends and further from my school friends. With my success came scholarships. I had full ride scholarships to any Christian college I wanted in the country. I chose one in southern California because some of my friends decided to go.

My senior year of high school, my mom died of cancer. I remember praying "I swear to you God, if I figure out that this whole heaven thing is a sham and that my mom will stay buried and dead for the rest of life here on earth, I'm going to give all this up." How prophetic.

So I went off to college. And although I enjoyed my years of college, I once again felt like I never really fit in. What people were concerned about I really wasn't, and what I was concerned about seemed nonexistent on campus.

I graduated - barely because I jumped off a roof into the school pool right before graduation - and went off to an internship in Arizona. Things went decent until (1) a new youth minister came in who felt compelled to undo every good thing we were doing with the students and (2) I got a brain tumor. I had headaches for months before the diagnosis, and the church leadership thought I was faking it because I didn't want to work. After two surgeries, I decided to go back to Colorado. And I became the youth minister at my home church.

Now I'm not going to completely tell the story, so let's just say my ministry years had a lot of highs and a lot of lows. I think I did some great things as a student minister in CO and in TX. I butted heads with elders and leaders over lots of different things. I believe I should never have left my home church. Who knows where I would be today, haha.

When I became a worship minister, I had to work more closely with senior ministers. I had a lot of conflict with several of them. It seemed like a lot of it revolved around new building programs. I felt that when that happened, the church leadership became only concerned about the ABC's: attendance, buildings, and cash.

I started down this long road of not believing in God in 2008. I had moved back to Colorado to help plant a church. I believed that God would provide. I believed that the people who I gave so much to when I was a youth minister in CO would give back. I believed that my sacrificing my family (I went six months without them that year) on the altar of ministry would be worthwhile and everything would work out. Nothing worked out. My family moved back, I was finishing up my last days at the church plant, and I remember going into a Barnes and Noble and looking at some books about the existence of God. These books made sense to me. They described how I felt. They described the uneasiness I felt for years when it came to Christianity and the Bible. However, I tabled those thoughts because I got a new ministry position back in Ohio. We didn't have to leave our house, it was pretty close, and things started out great.

I have two brothers. One lives in Colorado, and one lived in New York. The one in New York, Aaron, was having some health problems due to some bad choices he made in his life and so we invited him to live with us. Eventually we found him a place to live on his own. For a couple of years we watched him fight with his demons.

I remember the Tuesday when we went over to his apartment. We hadn't heard from him in a couple of days and he had left a strange Facebook message. I went into his house, and tried to open the bathroom door. As I opened it up a little bit, my brother's body was blocking the door. He was gone forever.

My world was blown apart. The church response was uneven. There were some who were genuinely concerned for us. Other friends seemed to disappear, uncertain of what they should do. I took one Sunday off and then was pressured to get up on stage again the next Sunday. I had nothing to say. All the words to the songs didn't mean anything anymore. One of my favorite songs we used to do, "How He Loves," was a song I sang in a rage at that point. Because I didn't believe any of what I was singing. I had a woman tell me right before I went up on stage "So sorry to hear about your brother, because I mean, we don't even know where he is now, since...you know." That day I told my friend that he might have to come and sing for me because I was tempted to leave. Somehow I pulled myself together and made it through.

The year after that was a mess. When I got up on stage, I couldn't determine where the line was between showing your scars and bleeding all over the stage. I stopped giving any kind of prayer or thought and just played through. When I left to find other opportunities, my life was shattered.

That was two years ago. In the span of two years, I have done a lot of research, thinking, and wrestling. This decision is not an easy one or a flippant one. There are many reasons why I no longer believe what I used to, but let me quickly give you some of them:

1. My own story. See above.

2. Church history. Christians have been on the wrong side of history many times through history. You think it would be easy to follow the words of their leader. Apparently it isn't.

3. The Bible. If you want to stay a Christian, don't read about the Bible. How it has been changed throughout the years. Why certain books got in. How a small percentage of the books were authored by those who are claimed to author them. The discrepancies. The errors. Why is it that the four accounts of the resurrection story in the gospels are all different? You would think that the most singular important event in Christendom - the rising of the savior - would be something that would be consistent. It isn't. And once you start pulling off the springs of the Bible on your trampoline of faith, pretty soon you have nothing to jump on.

4. Church issues. This is a big one. Why does the church make such a big issue of the supposed sin of homosexuality and so little of sins that were talked about way more in the bible? Why is it ok for a man to have long hair but a woman to not be able to speak or teach men? Why are there seventeen different beliefs about baptism: who is supposed to be baptized, when are they supposed to be baptized, what does it do, is it completely necessary for salvation, do you have to be baptized once or twice? Is baptism by immersion or sprinkling? You would think it would be easy to follow an infallible book and all be on the same page.

5. This past year. I knew that Christianity was no longer my tribe when I saw how many Christians blindly support a president who is the antithesis of everything Christ taught and lived. How many Christians voted in Alabama for a pedophile over a Democrat. How many Christians now say that a president's private life can be separate from his public life. The hypocrisy is overwhelming and I want nothing to do with that.

I could go on and on about my reasons, but I'll stop there. (I'm thinking about writing a book about it honestly)

Now all of this might make you sad, but I hope you understand how happy I am. I am starting to fly. I have a group of fellow humanists that I have dinner with regularly who are some of the most genuine, loving people I have ever met. We are a group of different races and genders and sexual preferences and backgrounds and we genuinely care about each other and want to make a difference in the world. Not because some book demands it. Not because we are afraid of being punished if we don't or because we look forward to rewards if we do. No, we want to make a difference because that's what good people do.

There are a lot of opportunities that I'm grateful for in my life which I will share at a later time. Let me close with a quote from an author who I admire, Robert Ingersoll:

When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell. The dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts and bars and manacles became dust.

I agree, Robert. I agree.

Science In America

Neil deGrasse Tyson is a hero of mine. He's smart, he's articulate, and he's a champion for science. He seems to be a nice guy, but like one of my other heroes, Bill Nye, don't get in the way of science. Tyson will browbeat you with reason.

This video that he recently put out is a reminder to us all that science is what made this country great, and in the midst of a new wave of anti-intellectualism and a denial of truth even where science is involved, we need this reminder more than ever.

Check it out here: