It's been six years...

 It's been six years since I've done anything with this blog. Does anyone read blogs anymore? Doubtful I'm sure. Blogs are most likely over as we know it. I don't think people have the attention span anymore to actually read anything, let alone a blog post on a computer. I know that my attention span has changed drastically. I have a hard time reading a real book. I can listen to an audiobook; but actually reading a book, I fall asleep quickly. 

So maybe this is a bad idea, bringing back something that no one will read. But I know I will read it. And I feel like I need a place to vent, a place to ruminate on what is happening in the world, where I can process what is happening in the world and my role in it.

Anyway, though no one will read this, I think I will attempt at restarting this.

Easter, April Fools Day and Bart Ehrman, part 1

Did you know that Easter has only fallen on April Fools Day something like six times in the modern era, including today? Pretty crazy.

Even though I'm no longer a believer, during this time of the year I think a lot about the Holy Week leading up to Easter. Perhaps part of it is because for many years, the week leading up to Easter was the busiest week for me. (On a side note, one thing that is rather ironic is that my daughter's Spring Break week always fell on the week before Easter, which meant I was so busy that I didn't really get to spend much time with her while she was off, but the last three years since I've been out of ministry, the school district has changed it to the week after Easter. Go figure.)

However, one of the main reasons I'm usually in a pensive mood during this time every year is because of how inconsistent the biblical accounts of the events leading up to the crucifixion, the crucifixion itself, and the resurrection are, and how some of it makes no sense whatsoever.

I don't remember when I started getting wind of the differences in the gospels concerning these events. I was trying to recall my years in bible college and if I was taught these inconsistencies or if they were explained away and since we were being taught, I just assumed that what they were saying was true.

Here is one of the reasons why this gets me these days: if you think about it, the most important event in Christianity is the resurrection, and to a little lesser extent, the death of Jesus. Paul, in 1 Corinthians, talks about this importance, because he even said that if the resurrection didn't happen, "our preaching is useless and so is your faith." So if this is the most important concept, the most important theological construct, the most important event in human history, why is it that none of the gospels actually agree with what actually happened? (a lot of this reasoning is from Bart Ehrman's book Jesus, Interrupted.)

For example, when did the cleansing of the temple happen? In Mark, it happened during the last week of Jesus. In John, it happened at the beginning of his ministry. What about Palm Sunday? Did Jesus ride one animal, or did he ride two as he did in the book of Matthew? (This is attributed to Matthew making sure that Jesus fulfilled every prophecy he could think of and rather than understanding that when it said that the Messiah would ride in on a donkey and a colt that it was poetic language, Matthew took it literally.) What happened during the trial before Pilate? In Mark, Jesus hardly talks. In John, they have a long discourse. In Luke, there is another trial before Herod. What about Judas? Why did he betray Jesus? In Mark, no reason is given. In Matthew, he did it for the money. In Luke, he did it because Satan entered into him. In John, Judas is actually called a devil, which meant he had an evil streak. Also, how did Judas die? In Matthew, it says that he hanged himself. In Acts, it says that he fell headlong and burst open in the middle and that his bowels gushed out.

And what about the actual crucifixion? What did Jesus say on the cross? In Mark, he's practically silent. In John, he's saying all kinds of things. When did the curtain that separated the Holy Place from the Most Holy place tear in half? According to Mark, after Jesus breathes his last, the curtain is torn in half. In Luke it happens while Jesus is still alive and hanging on the cross. And let's not even get started about how in Matthew, zombies came up from the graves when Jesus died.

There have been a lot of theological and mental gymnastics by biblical scholars to reconcile these differences in the death of Jesus. They will say that all of these things happened, it's just that different gospel writers wrote different parts of the story. Or that they were writing to different audiences and emphasized different things. I don't believe any of that is correct, but even if I was to cede that argument, here's the discrepancy about Jesus' death that is so significant and so irreconcilable that to me it destroys any credibility of these stories.

It's about the day when the crucifixion happened.

In Matthew, Mark and Luke, the crucifixion happens the day of Passover. In those gospels, the Last Supper (which is the meal for the preparation for the passover) happens and Jesus and the disciples eat the meal. Jesus is then arrested that night, the trial happens through the night into the morning, and Jesus dies the next day.

In John, the crucifixion happens a day earlier, on the Day of Preparation for the Passover. There is a final meal but there is no Last Supper where Jesus talks about the bread being his body or the wine his blood. Instead he washes his disciples' feet (which is not found in the other gospels).

Let me reiterate this: in Mark, Jesus eats the Passover meal and is crucified the following morning. In John, Jesus does not eat the Passover meal but is crucified on the day before the Passover meal was to be eaten.

This cannot be reconciled. Believe me people have tried. Why is John different? Here's the main theory why. "John" (who was not the author) wrote his gospel twenty-five years later than Mark, and one of his main emphases is that Jesus is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. In order for that theme to align all the way through, he has to change the day and the time of when Jesus is crucified to the day and time when the Passover lambs were being slaughtered all over Israel, to show that Jesus was the ultimate Passover Lamb sacrificed for the sins of the world.

If a gospel writer is willing to change a super important fact, one that is very pivotal to the story of Christ, then what else are they willing to change in order to suit their needs? And how much has been changed throughout history? I know we have some pieces of the Bible that go back a long ways, but not all the way to when it was written. So all of this could have changed from the time it happened to the time it was written down, as well as from the time it was written down to the oldest pieces we have.

Do you see how this undermines the Bible? Do you see how it should be hard to believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God?

And don't even get me started with the resurrection. The pivotal event. Well, don't get me started yet. That's part two. :)

My Two Year Journey

This is a post that I've written a thousand times in my mind.

Every time I came up a little bit short when it came to writing it out. There was always the sense of it being the wrong timing, the fear of the impact of what I had to say, the constant worrying of how it was going to affect my relationship with people I respect greatly. There's the possibility of being ostracized. Of people being angry and confused.

There's also the opposite affect. That I've done damage to my relationships in such a large way already that my "announcement" is met with one giant "Meh." Which I'm ok with, believe me. But I think that when we make a huge decision, or announce something in our lives that we think is a big deal, that there is some kind of response.

Let me go ahead and get it out right now. I'm not going to string you along or draw it out. I'm going to tell you what it is, and then I'm going to explain my journey. So here it is.

I no longer believe in God.
I am no longer a Christian.
I do not believe in the supernatural.
I believe that this is the only life we have.

Let me describe for you my journey to this point.

I have been out of ministry for two years now. I'm not going to get into all the details, but let's just say that it was a very tough departure. When I left the church I was at, I was kind of bitter at it all. There is definite blame on both sides, that I will not dispute, but the experience of leaving was one that left a huge mark on my heart. It took me about five months to find another job outside of ministry, but it still affects me and I still ache because of what happened. But let's go back to when I first had these feelings.

I have always felt like a square peg in a round hole. I became a Christian officially some time around third grade, being baptized in a murky pond up at church camp. But I really had no idea what I was doing.

I became more and more involved in church in my junior high and high school days, even excelling in a program called Bible Bowl. This is where I believe my life turned for the worst. You see, I was extremely interested in science. My school friends and I were nerds and we liked science stuff. But when I started doing well in Bible Bowl, I drew myself nearer to my church friends and further from my school friends. With my success came scholarships. I had full ride scholarships to any Christian college I wanted in the country. I chose one in southern California because some of my friends decided to go.

My senior year of high school, my mom died of cancer. I remember praying "I swear to you God, if I figure out that this whole heaven thing is a sham and that my mom will stay buried and dead for the rest of life here on earth, I'm going to give all this up." How prophetic.

So I went off to college. And although I enjoyed my years of college, I once again felt like I never really fit in. What people were concerned about I really wasn't, and what I was concerned about seemed nonexistent on campus.

I graduated - barely because I jumped off a roof into the school pool right before graduation - and went off to an internship in Arizona. Things went decent until (1) a new youth minister came in who felt compelled to undo every good thing we were doing with the students and (2) I got a brain tumor. I had headaches for months before the diagnosis, and the church leadership thought I was faking it because I didn't want to work. After two surgeries, I decided to go back to Colorado. And I became the youth minister at my home church.

Now I'm not going to completely tell the story, so let's just say my ministry years had a lot of highs and a lot of lows. I think I did some great things as a student minister in CO and in TX. I butted heads with elders and leaders over lots of different things. I believe I should never have left my home church. Who knows where I would be today, haha.

When I became a worship minister, I had to work more closely with senior ministers. I had a lot of conflict with several of them. It seemed like a lot of it revolved around new building programs. I felt that when that happened, the church leadership became only concerned about the ABC's: attendance, buildings, and cash.

I started down this long road of not believing in God in 2008. I had moved back to Colorado to help plant a church. I believed that God would provide. I believed that the people who I gave so much to when I was a youth minister in CO would give back. I believed that my sacrificing my family (I went six months without them that year) on the altar of ministry would be worthwhile and everything would work out. Nothing worked out. My family moved back, I was finishing up my last days at the church plant, and I remember going into a Barnes and Noble and looking at some books about the existence of God. These books made sense to me. They described how I felt. They described the uneasiness I felt for years when it came to Christianity and the Bible. However, I tabled those thoughts because I got a new ministry position back in Ohio. We didn't have to leave our house, it was pretty close, and things started out great.

I have two brothers. One lives in Colorado, and one lived in New York. The one in New York, Aaron, was having some health problems due to some bad choices he made in his life and so we invited him to live with us. Eventually we found him a place to live on his own. For a couple of years we watched him fight with his demons.

I remember the Tuesday when we went over to his apartment. We hadn't heard from him in a couple of days and he had left a strange Facebook message. I went into his house, and tried to open the bathroom door. As I opened it up a little bit, my brother's body was blocking the door. He was gone forever.

My world was blown apart. The church response was uneven. There were some who were genuinely concerned for us. Other friends seemed to disappear, uncertain of what they should do. I took one Sunday off and then was pressured to get up on stage again the next Sunday. I had nothing to say. All the words to the songs didn't mean anything anymore. One of my favorite songs we used to do, "How He Loves," was a song I sang in a rage at that point. Because I didn't believe any of what I was singing. I had a woman tell me right before I went up on stage "So sorry to hear about your brother, because I mean, we don't even know where he is now, since...you know." That day I told my friend that he might have to come and sing for me because I was tempted to leave. Somehow I pulled myself together and made it through.

The year after that was a mess. When I got up on stage, I couldn't determine where the line was between showing your scars and bleeding all over the stage. I stopped giving any kind of prayer or thought and just played through. When I left to find other opportunities, my life was shattered.

That was two years ago. In the span of two years, I have done a lot of research, thinking, and wrestling. This decision is not an easy one or a flippant one. There are many reasons why I no longer believe what I used to, but let me quickly give you some of them:

1. My own story. See above.

2. Church history. Christians have been on the wrong side of history many times through history. You think it would be easy to follow the words of their leader. Apparently it isn't.

3. The Bible. If you want to stay a Christian, don't read about the Bible. How it has been changed throughout the years. Why certain books got in. How a small percentage of the books were authored by those who are claimed to author them. The discrepancies. The errors. Why is it that the four accounts of the resurrection story in the gospels are all different? You would think that the most singular important event in Christendom - the rising of the savior - would be something that would be consistent. It isn't. And once you start pulling off the springs of the Bible on your trampoline of faith, pretty soon you have nothing to jump on.

4. Church issues. This is a big one. Why does the church make such a big issue of the supposed sin of homosexuality and so little of sins that were talked about way more in the bible? Why is it ok for a man to have long hair but a woman to not be able to speak or teach men? Why are there seventeen different beliefs about baptism: who is supposed to be baptized, when are they supposed to be baptized, what does it do, is it completely necessary for salvation, do you have to be baptized once or twice? Is baptism by immersion or sprinkling? You would think it would be easy to follow an infallible book and all be on the same page.

5. This past year. I knew that Christianity was no longer my tribe when I saw how many Christians blindly support a president who is the antithesis of everything Christ taught and lived. How many Christians voted in Alabama for a pedophile over a Democrat. How many Christians now say that a president's private life can be separate from his public life. The hypocrisy is overwhelming and I want nothing to do with that.

I could go on and on about my reasons, but I'll stop there. (I'm thinking about writing a book about it honestly)

Now all of this might make you sad, but I hope you understand how happy I am. I am starting to fly. I have a group of fellow humanists that I have dinner with regularly who are some of the most genuine, loving people I have ever met. We are a group of different races and genders and sexual preferences and backgrounds and we genuinely care about each other and want to make a difference in the world. Not because some book demands it. Not because we are afraid of being punished if we don't or because we look forward to rewards if we do. No, we want to make a difference because that's what good people do.

There are a lot of opportunities that I'm grateful for in my life which I will share at a later time. Let me close with a quote from an author who I admire, Robert Ingersoll:

When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell. The dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts and bars and manacles became dust.

I agree, Robert. I agree.

Science In America

Neil deGrasse Tyson is a hero of mine. He's smart, he's articulate, and he's a champion for science. He seems to be a nice guy, but like one of my other heroes, Bill Nye, don't get in the way of science. Tyson will browbeat you with reason.

This video that he recently put out is a reminder to us all that science is what made this country great, and in the midst of a new wave of anti-intellectualism and a denial of truth even where science is involved, we need this reminder more than ever.

Check it out here:

Movie Review: The Discovery

I thought it would be interesting to do reviews of movies I find fascinating. If you know me, you know that I really like independent movies, usually in the sci-fi genre. Some of my favorite movies are low-budget movies that don't get a lot of press, don't get a lot of audience, but are way better (in my opinion) than most of the big-budget blockbusters that come out throughout the year.

Here are some examples of some of my favorite movies in this vein:

(These all star the fabulous and underrated Brit Marling, who also wrote a couple of these movies.)

Also:

I could add more to this list, but since most of you probably have never heard of any of these, I'll just stop haha.

Anyway here is the movie I watched tonight. I wouldn't put it up with the five movies above, but it was very good. It's called The Discovery.

As you can see, it starts Jason Segel, Rooney Mara and Robert Redford. The premise of the movie is probably more interesting than the execution, but after it was done I just sat there, with a few tears in my eyes, reflecting on what I saw.

Here is the basic plot: A neuroscientist (Robert Redford) in the near future has proven to the world that there is actually a life after death. This has some disturbing consequences, one of the biggest being that millions of people across the globe commit suicide due to the now proven promise of a life beyond the grave. Because of this, the neuroscientist has withdrawn from the public life and has devoted himself to helping people get over thoughts of killing themselves. He shelters them and tries to give them meaning in this life. One of his sons (Jason Segel) has distanced himself from his father due to their mother's tragic death but decides to come visit him and his brother. On the ferry ride, he meets a young woman (Rooney Mara) and strikes up a conversation. We find out soon what her reasoning is for being on the ferry boat.

The movie centers around two things. First is Robert Redford's "discovery": he has figured out how to record the afterlife through a machine. Simply attach the device to someone, flatline them, and the video records what happens as they die. Simply bring them back to life, and no harm no foul. However, it doesn't seem to work the way Redford believes it does....

The second thing is the relationship between Will (Segel) and Isla (Mara). They strike up a romance and also throughout the movie "discover" that perhaps they know each other beyond the chance encounter on the ferry.

To say anymore about the plot would give away some massive spoilers. However, I found the premise fascinating and I thought there was great acting, clever dialogue and many extremely moving scenes where I stopped the movie to reflect on what I just witnessed.

This movie actually does remind me of two of the above movies: Another Earth, and i Origins. The former deals with second chances and living with regret; the latter deals with evolution and the question of reincarnation or some kind of afterlife.

The Discovery certainly brought up many questions in my head that I can't really come to terms with; these questions are questions that people throughout several millenia have wrestled with. Questions like:

1. Is there really an afterlife?

2. What does that afterlife look like?

3. If one knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was life beyond the grave, would it inspire them to live better here on earth, or would it make it worse?

4. For those who have a hope in the afterlife, does question #3 apply in equal measure even though there is no proof of life after death?

5. Does part of the afterlife involve some kind of a purgatory or karma-like state in which you get a chance to right the wrongs of your life, or perhaps deal with regrets or wishes?

I'm sure other questions are floating in my head, including the implications of suicide - considering my brother took his life a couple of years ago - but that's enough for now. I love movies that cause me to think and examine myself, and The Discovery does that well. This movie is a Netflix original, so if you have Netflix, you can see it for free. I mean, you probably subscribe monthly so it's not necessarily free, but it is very accessible. Check it out!

Don't Let Me Down

Trying to start up this blog again. It's really hard to find the time when you work about seventy hours a week. But I feel like it's important, especially because I have all day long as I drive a mail truck around to think about stuff and it would be nice to get some of those thoughts out of my head. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I would like to start sharing some of those changes and some of those thoughts.

I don't get to watch very many commercials; we made the decision several years ago to ditch DirectTV and just do Netflix and Amazon Prime. One good thing about it is that you don't have to see all the really dumb commercials, especially the local ones that are so bad, like "Uncle Jimmy's Mattress Land" or "Si's Used Car Lot". But you do miss out on some really good ones.

My new favorite commercial is from State Farm. It features a song that is my daughter's and my jam - "Don't Let Me Down" by the Chainsmokers and Daya. But it isn't the original song, it's a remake by the wonderful and talented Joy Williams. Joy was one half of the musical artist The Civil Wars which was one of my favorites until tragically they broke up after only two albums. Joy had a solo career before The Civil Wars, and she has one now. I love her voice and I love the remakes she has done (go youtube search "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran redone by her. It's amazing).

Anyway, here's the video:


As you can see, it's about a guy who is thinking about volunteering, about doing something, about making a difference, but hasn't pulled the trigger. So all these people and animals in need follow him around during his day. At the end, he finally decides to go ahead and take the next step.

Great video. Great concept. Great song.

Why is it that we struggle with making a difference? Of stepping out of our comfort zone?

Scratch that.

Let me change the pronoun. Because I'm really good at making sweeping generalizations, which isn't fair. You may already be volunteering or helping out at twenty-seven different places. So let me restart.

Why is that I struggle with making a difference? Of stepping out of my comfort zone?

I have all the excuses in the world. I work six days a week and usually five nights a week. I get four hours of sleep a night. My feet hurt from being a mailman. Blah blah blah.

Here's the thing. Everyone can make a difference. In little ways or big ways.

We have sponsored a little girl through World Vision for ten years now. We love Clementine. So why can't I take five minutes out of one of my days and send her a letter saying that we love her and we hope she's doing well?

I have spent a lot of time fighting human trafficking over the years. I've been out of it for a couple. Why can't I take a little bit of time and do something? I know it's still a cause that is meaningful to me.

I love animals. Why can't I take a few hours a month and volunteer at a shelter? Because it makes me sad that these pets haven't been adopted? Won't me being there just a little bit brighten up their day? I mean, I'm already "that mailman that stops and pets dogs and cats," so why can't I do that at a shelter?

It's time to give up the excuses and do something.

It reminds me of that really cheesy song called Thank You by Ray Boltz, where he envisions going to heaven and having people come up to him to tell him how he impacted their lives by doing little things. Maybe there's another line in heaven where all the people and animals we didn't help are waiting to express their disappointment and how we had the chance but didn't impact them at all.

Like I said, I have a lot of time on my hands to think while I'm driving and delivering mail. Ha.

Here's the thing, without getting too much into changes that have been happening in my life (those stories are for another time): because I believe even more strongly now that the one life we have here to live on this earth is even more important, can I let that belief inspire me to make a difference, so that I don't have a group of people and polar bears follow me around in my mind, saying "Don't let me down?"

I hope so.

A New Normal.

It's been an interesting time for me as of late.

For those of you who know me, you know that I have been in ministry for over twenty years. For reasons I probably won't share at this point in the blog - some in my control and some out of my control - I have stepped out of ministry and am looking for another career.

It has been tough trying to translate "church world" into "real world" in such a way that I am employable. I have had a few chances, but haven't actually been the final candidate to get the position.

It's put me in a weird place.

I feel like I'm starting all over again. Like I just stepped out of college, unsure of the direction of my life, uncertain of what I really want to do. Of course, the first time this happened to me, I felt "called" to ministry.

Now I just feel kind of lost.

Not just in the business world. I feel lost in my personal world as well. When you are a minister at a church, essentially your whole world revolves around the church. Your friends and acquaintances go to the same church as you work at, your activities are at church, and as a worship minister, I found myself at the church a lot, doing things well past the 40 hour per work week.

And now it's different.

My friends and acquaintances have moved on. People who I had always thought would stay in touch haven't at all. We have no activities at the church because we don't go there anymore. And my extra-curricular adventures do not involve building props for an upcoming message series, or fine-tuning the video system.

I've been feeling adrift for a couple of months now. Trying to find a new normal. You see, usually when you leave one ministry, you head to another and you make connections and you find a new "tribe." That's not happening this time.

Today was good, though. We have new neighbors who moved in a couple of weeks ago. I know a few of our neighbors, but we aren't really close with any of them except for a sweet elderly couple. I also had a hard time really talking with our neighbors in the past, because I always knew the "what do you do" question would get asked, and usually after I answer there is an awkward silence, followed by a "oh! That's good." And then we would see them outside, smile and wave awkwardly, knowing that my profession scared them off. Ha.

Today, I was talking with our neighbor, the husband, and he was asking me about the cicada fun that will happen in a month or so, and he asked me what I do for fun around here, and I was like, "You know what? Honestly, I don't know now." And I told him how I used to be a minister, and he told me that they were Catholic but hadn't gone to church in a long time, and then he invited us to come over to their house next weekend for dinner.

And you know what? I had a really good feeling after he went back to his house.

One reason is that I didn't feel any pressure about my job (I don't have one, and the one I had is no longer), another is that I didn't have the pressure of inviting them to church or anything, because that's not what I do anymore.

But the last one is the best. I felt like I'm moving on. There are a few people who I still keep in contact with, who I still will. There are others who have confounded me with their absence, but I'm learning that it's ok to be disappointed when I feel rejected. Life moves on in their world just as it moves on in mine, and if they don't want me to be part of their world, it's ok. There's a freedom in not having the pressure of being a minister or not having to do certain things in a certain way or not having to tie every conversation with an "unchurched" person into a trick to get them to come to church.

It's almost like deprogramming from a cult. Even when I was telling my neighbor about how I'm not really sure what I do anymore because I don't have ministry as my job, I felt like I was telling him that I escaped David Koresh or something. Being able to be true to oneself, to do the things I want to do without the guilt trip laid on me when I don't do things others want me to do, has been definitely freeing.

It's a lonely adventure so far, but I know that I will gain a new tribe, figure out a new way to keep hope up without the constricting presence of church, and next year at this time I will be so happy and fulfilled that I won't even look back. Here's to the second half of my life. It's definitely not as planned out or predictable as the first one, at least as far as career and life journey, but I'm looking forward to the ride.