Challenge of the Month - End of October/November 2005

I apologize for not posting in a quite a long time. There are a couple of reasons for (not) doing so. The first is that I really haven't had much to say. I believe that "journaling" is an ebb and flow process and that sometimes it's better just to clam up, read what other people are talking about, and wait until you have something to say, rather than say something just to fill space. The other reason is that I've been extremely busy as the beginning phases to the financial campaign that Southwest Church is going to go through early next year is hitting my areas in a big way.

However, I have thought of a challenge for the end of this month and all next month. By the way, both challenges so far have been successful, and yet not successful. What do I mean. Well, I fulfilled what I set out to do both times - not go to Starbucks, and not chew my nails. Yet I reverted back to doing both - today I went to Starbucks twice, and my nails are "down to the quick" again.

This next challenge of mine is one that will have a lasting effect, however; it's one of those challenges that you either fail completely or succeed completely.

I truly believe that God communicates to us in several different ways - through his Word, through the Spirit, through circumstances, through counsel of others, through prayer to name a few. These have all happened in my life at one time another - some of them I have seen as "big" communicators, some of them as subtle communicators (counsel of others probably being one of those). However, there is one communication process that I firmly believe God uses in my relationship with Him to speak to me and show me things in my life that need changing, or at least need examining. This communication process happens through my reading. I have noticed that as I read through books (I read through several at one time), there always seems to be a consistent theme that flows throughout them - stories, anecdotes, chapter themes, etc. And these themes get emphasized in other ways as well - conversations I have with people, messages at church, stuff I read online being some of those ways.

It is no different with what I'm reading right now. Everything I'm reading points to two themes that are pretty similar: forgiveness and grace. And I know why these themes are running through my reading and through my life. My life has not been an easy one, to say the least. The past few years have been relatively easy, but the rest of it has been one crazy ride. In the process of my life, there are several people who I have harbored resentment, anger and bitterness towards them - the way they have treated me, the situations that they have pushed me into, the way they have wrecked lives of people around me. It has become increasingly difficult to speak of grace and forgiveness in any kind of "church" setting, because I know that I am hypocritical in this area. I know that I cannot tell people that they need to forgive others in their lives when I have so many people that I have not forgiven in my life. I cannot realistically or honestly speak of grace and how it changes hearts, when my heart is filled with ungrace. I think that part of me has always felt that if I forgive someone, or extend grace to someone, that there needed to be an end then to the hurt that I feel as a result of the past. However, as I am reading the book "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey for the hundredth time, he says something that has finally helped me to see past this incorrect thought process. He says this:

"At last I understood: in the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God's hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy. When Joseph finally came to the place of forgiving his brothers, the hurt did not disappear, but the burden of being their judge fell away. Though wrong does not disappear when I forgive, it loses its grip on me and is taken over by God, who knows what to do...I never find forgiveness easy, and rarely do I find it completely satisfying. Nagging injustices remain, and the wounds still cause pain. I have to approach God again and again, yielding to him the residue of what I thought I had committed to him long ago. I do so because the Gospels make clear the connection: God forgives my debts as I forgive my debtors. The reverse is also true: Only by living in the stream of God's grace will I find the strength to respond with grace towards others."

I could never forgive in the past, because I could never see how the end result of that forgiveness would play out in my life and in the lives of those who have wronged me. Now I realize that I don't have to know the end result. I entrust it to God and allow him to know the end result and free myself from the chains of resentment and anger.

So this is my challenge: to forgive those who have wronged me, and to let them know somehow - not only by telling them so but by showing them through my actions and attitude towards them.

There is a flipside to this as well: thinking of those who I have personally wronged and asking forgiveness from them. Although I will never know everyone who I have hurt and wronged over the years, several people do come to mind.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. This is hard.