Saturday, July 04, 2026

Liminal Spaces And Why Gen Z (and myself) Are Obsessed With Them

Even before the huge popularity of the movie "Backrooms" - an idea that originally appeared on the internet as just a picture of an empty furniture store in Oshkosh, WI - there was an immense interest in the idea of "liminal spaces."

What is a liminal space?

There are two categories of liminal spaces from what I've noticed.

One is an actual physical space. It's a bridge that goes from one barren place to another barren place. It's an empty parking lot or hallway. It's essentially a space between two paces where it's neither one nor the other. An empty mall is a liminal space because it hasn't been torn down, so the mall still exists; yet it's not a mall because the stores have long moved out and the mall itself hasn't been used in years. There is a mall on one of my mail routes like this. You can't go in anymore; but several years ago I would take my lunch inside and eat on a cushioned bench where a light shone through an above window.There was music playing throughout the mall still. The only people in there was usually me and some elderly mall walkers who were getting their steps in. When I went to the restroom in the mall, it was obvious that I was the first one in there in quite awhile. It was a little creepy, especially when I was alone, but it was kind of cool as well. I became drawn to the mall and became interested in actual physical liminal spaces.

Here's a picture I took inside the mall on March 26, 2019 (I knew I still had a picture of it on my phone haha).


I'm not the only one interested in liminal spaces. Gen Z is obsessed with them. In fact, the director of Backrooms is part of that generation. He started production on the movie when he was only nineteen years old. He also has a bunch of YouTube videos about the Backrooms, and there's another series he did called The Oldest View (which I find creepier actually), and some of that footage I swear could have been filmed at the mall I used to take my lunch to.

Why is Gen Z drawn to physical liminal spaces? Here are some reasons:

  • Pandemic Trauma. The formative years of many young people were disrupted by 2020 lockdowns. My own daughter did not get to experience her own high school graduation. Experiencing normal bustling spaces - like schools, offices, and malls - completely empty created a collective psychological imprint that is visually mirrored in liminal photography. I have said over and over again that at some point, both individually and collectively, most of us are going to have a difficult time processing what actually took place during the Covid year, once our brain catches up with our body dealing with the shock of what took place. Interest in liminal spaces, I think, is just another way to process all the changes we've experienced in our lives.
  • Disappearing "Third Places". As physical gathering places for youth have disappeared due to the rise of digital socialization and retail closures, the nostalgia for these abandoned, often retro environments (like 1990s shopping malls) has intensified. (A third place is a gathering place different than one's work and home environments)
  • Algorithmic Escapism. In an era where online life feels highly controlled by rigid algorithms, liminal spaces represent an off-putting but liberating detachment. There's a sense of freedom, or randomness that is appealing to younger people, and some old people like me.
  • Anemoia. This is such a fascinating word and concept. It refers to a feeling of nostalgia for a time period during which you weren't alive, or a past you never actually lived. This most definitely applies to me, because I've become fascinated with the real Victorian time period of history, and also the fictional steampunk universe that comes from the Victorian era. (More about that in future posts)
However, as I mentioned above, there are two categories of liminal spaces. One is the physical version. The other? The psychological version.

As Kim Egel puts it:

"It is that in-between zone where you're no longer who or where you were, but not yet who or where you're becoming. It's an empty stretch full of uncertainty and the unknown, which makes it deeply uncomfortable - and, not to mention, easy to want to avoid.

Walking through liminal space can feel like moving through a pitch-dark room. You can't see what's ahead, and you're not quite sure where you are - often leaving you hesitant, and searching for something solid to land on."

A psychological liminal space is a threshold space. It's a transition. It's a pause. It's a space that appears usually with big changes. Leaving a career. A failed relationship. Outgrowing your identity. A shift in your worldview. It can be a hard place to be. It can be tough moving out of it. You can be there for a short time, or you can be there for a decade.

My advice if you're in one? Don't worry about where you are. Don't fret about being "stuck." As Mike Yaconelli, one of my heroes when I was a Christian and a minister said,

"Getting stuck can be the best thing that could happen to us, because it forces us to stop. It halts the momentum of our lives. We have no choice but to notice what is around us, and we end up searching..."

Well, he says we end up searching for Jesus.

Which in my book, is perfectly fine if you're a Christian. Please search for the actual Jesus though, mmmmkay? Like, actually take his teachings to heart? Notice his compassion for the poor, for the needy? Don't conclude that what Jesus is about is some dumb libtard woke agenda, ok? /rant

But to those of us outside of faith, it does lead us to searching for something. To examine ourselves. To perhaps wake up from the stupor of doing the same thing over and over and over again, for years. To perhaps begin to being open to a new way of thinking, a new way of behaving, a new way of living.

Liminal spaces can be frightening, both physical and psychological versions. But all the young kids are doing it, so if you're there, embrace the uncertainty. Challenge your presuppositions, those preconceived notions of yourself and the world around you.

Embrace the void. It will be ok.

Wednesday, July 01, 2026

The End Of A "Vision"

 As most may know who read this blog (all tens of you haha), it's been ten years now since I left church and religion behind me and have spent the last decade without going to church, without following a deity, without hanging out with Christians for the most part. It's not necessarily that I have been opposed to being in contact with people who believe in the god I used to believe. It's that most unfriended me when I announced my decision, and those who didn't I don't have a real reason to hang out. When you go to church, that becomes the catalyst for hanging out with the friends you have there. No church? No catalyst.

Anyway, even though it's been ten years, someone who has left faith tends to have some tendrils of the life they used to live. Obviously it takes awhile to change your vernacular. It takes awhile to let go of some of the toxic beliefs that are ingrained in you. (example: the threat of hell) In my case, one of those tendrils was my sponsorship of children through World Vision.

When I was involved in fighting human trafficking (a part of my life that I've been thinking about often as of late. I'm proud of what I did in that arena, and I'm sometimes sad I'm no longer in the arena), I was on a panel about human trafficking at a church in Dayton. I don't remember what the conference was about, I know there were other causes represented there, because in the gym they had something called a World Vision Experience. You walked through a maze that had information about countries that WV worked in, and pictures of kids and at the end you had the opportunity to sponsor a child.

The experience moved me greatly, so I signed up. And for the next fifteen years or so, I was a sponsor of children through World Vision.

My first sponsored child was named Clementine. My daughter was young and interested in what was going on, so she would send gifts and I would tell her what was going on in Clementine's life. It was a good way to teach her how to be a person who doesn't just think about kids in our community, or in our city or in our state or even in the country. I wanted her to have empathy for kids globally. This was one way that we could have an impact on someone all the way across the world. I was very pleased with World Vision and their sponsorship program at the time.

And then 2014 happened.

On March 24 of that year, World Vision made a change to their hiring practices. For the first time in their history, they would consider hiring people who were in same sex marriages. I remember this vividly. I wasn't a huge ally of LGBTQ+ people at the time. It wasn't that I was against them. I'm not sure if at the time I thought they were "sinning" but as someone who believed that we all struggle with sin, I did not put them in a different category than the rest of us. And I thought it was a good move for World Vision to do so.

Right away, evangelical Christians freaked out.

Now note that World Vision said they were only considering hiring gay people. They didn't say they had. They didn't say that they were going to actively seek out gay people. And they made clear that the hiring was only in the administration and call centers; they were never going to hire gay people to go out into the field and work with the children, god forbid.

But the backlash was fierce. Christians who sponsored kids through the organization called World Vision and canceled their sponsorships in the thousands. It was all over the news. Every Christian pundit decried World Vision's decision. And in 48 hours, due to all the public and I'm sure private pressure, World Vision rescinded the decision. In two days' time, it was over.

But the damage was there. And then - and this part gets me so mad every time I think about it - the same Christians who pulled their sponsorships, the same people who decided the life and death of a child who was unaffected by the decision didn't matter because the organization was considering hiring gay people started calling back and asking if they could have their kids back.

My friend Bart Campolo talks about how when his faith died, it was the death of a thousand paper cuts. (I use that phrase often myself) One of those paper cuts for me was this. I wasn't as mad about World Vision's decision to go back on what they had decided. I think they considered the cost of all these kids not having sponsorships because of a hiring decision and felt it was better to take the L and have these kids have sponsors again. I was furious at these Christians who played a life and death game with kids.

I told myself later on after I had left my faith that even though I chose to continue my own sponsorship regardless of me being a Christian anymore or not, that my sponsorship with Clementine was coming to an end as she turned eighteen and graduated out of the program so I would just end my partnership with World Vision. But that's not what happened.

World Vision transferred another child for sponsorship to me - without asking if I wanted to continue - and so I once again continued to sponsor a child through them (her name is Alice, she seems lovely). 

And then 2020 happened.

World Vision once considered hiring gay people. And decided not to. But then in 2020, a woman by the name of Aubry McMahon applied for an adminstration position. In 2021, she was offered employment but then that offer was rescinded when World Vision discovered that she was married to someone of the same sex. Aubry sued, the ACLU took the case, and it was finally decided last year and Aubry won the case, but World Vision appealed and won the appeal. I was mad about what happened because it felt like World Vision hardened its stance even more against LGBTQ+ people.

But I did not cancel my sponsorship. I didn't want to be a hypocrite, getting mad at the Christians for choosing to use a child as a statement. I told myself that I would continue to support Alice until she graduated out of the program.

This spring, I got a letter that said that Alice and her family were moving out of the community and so my sponsorship was ending but look, here's another child that I would be sponsoring starting the next month.

I called World Vision. A nice woman answered. I told her that before I started supporting this child (again, she seems great), that I was canceling being part of World Vision.

"May I ask why?"

(Oh ma'am, you don't know what you're getting yourself into.)

So I told her. All the stuff above. My own walk away from faith. How what happened in 2014 was one of the things that caused me to walk away from controlling religion. She seemed stunned. But still really nice. When I got off the phone, I became emotional. It felt like one more last death knell of a life that I still vaguely remember. Lots of good memories. Lots of bad memories. 

Yesterday I finally received the confirmation letter that says I no longer support a child through World Vision. And I'm sad again. But I'm going to take the monthly support that I used to give them, and I'm going to donate it monthly to organizations that are more in line with where I am now. I've already chose three of them.

Wikipedia. Seems kind of funny. But for some reason a couple of weeks ago that really annoying popup that comes up every time you are on their web page made me actually decide to support them. So I am, monthly

Honeyverse. I adopted a beehive in Italy. They're gonna send me eight jars of honey from those bees every year. Bees are dying off. That's really bad for the world. I'm getting more involved in environmental causes, so this is one thing I can do to help.

The Trevor Project. This organization works with LGBTQ+ kids. I've made one time donations to them on occasion. Now I'm supporting them every month. There are people close to me who are LGBTQ+ and I want them and those I don't know to thrive and to experience love and acceptance.

I'm sure there will be more, and I'll inform you all when it happens. But for now, I mourn a little for the end of an era. The end of a Vision, if you will.

Sunday, March 09, 2025

Dealing With The Covid Year

"Trauma is not a flaw or a weakness. It is a highly effective tool of safety and survival. Trauma is also not an event. Trauma is the body's protective response to an event - or a series of events - that it perceives as potentially dangerous."

- Resmaa Menakem

I've been watching a lot of movies lately. Partly because I have the time after work to do so, partly because I wanted to see as many of the Oscar nominated movies as I could, partly because it's a pretty good escape mechanism to not deal with the craziness that is happening in our country right now. There's a new movie on one of my favorite unknown to most streaming services (Mubi) called Grand Theft Hamlet. It's a documentary of two British actors who were struggling during the Covid lockdown and decided to attempt to put on the Shakespeare play Hamlet inside the world of Grand Theft Auto online. It's amusing - as you can probably surmise, a lot of people in that world just want to cause mayhem and violence, which means a lot of these two guys asking people if they want to be part of the play only to get killed in the game. There are also some pretty powerful moments. It's an interesting movie and it's a reminder of how insane the lockdown year during Covid actually was.

As the year that Covid took over our lives gets further and further away, I think most of us think that we have left that virus behind us. I follow a very good account on threads and instagram that provides up to date information on pandemics and epidemics that are still happening and are possible. (email me at young [dot] adam7 [at] gmail [dot] com if you would like to follow this account as well) The other day, this account informed me that Covid19 has not only not disappeared; it's at one of its peaks. More than 3 million new cases of Covid-19 has happened this week and transmission rates are now higher than at any point during 43.3% of the pandemic.

A year ago I remember talking to someone about that year of Covid and I said something to the effect of "you know, someday we are each individually going to have to deal with what happened that year. Some of us are in deep denial; some of us have turned to pretending that the threat was never real; and a lot of us never really dealt with what took place. The body doesn't forget. At some point we will have to deal with it."

I've spent the last couple of weeks during my free time - especially as I have finally gotten my hot tub up and working again! - trying to process what happened four years ago. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, as I said above, we all need to deal with what took place. For some, it was really no big deal; for others, major changes happened in their lives - deaths of people close to them, health scares, dealing with the effects of long Covid. This is a process for me that is continuing to happen, but part of my attempt to dig deep and come to terms with that year is writing this blog post.

Personally, for me, as I think about it, there are a couple of things that really affected me about Covid. Before I go into them, let me say that according to medical professionals, I never actually got the virus. Now at the very beginning, before the lockdown and before it started really spreading, I contracted some kind of illness. It was hard to breathe, I felt like there was an elephant on my chest at all times, I couldn't sleep. However, I went and got a Covid test at a health clinic, paid my hundred bucks, and was informed that I tested negative. Part of me thinks that I did have it, that the test was wrong; but the other part of me thinks I may have just had some weird illness that wasn't Covid.

Here are two things I'm processing right now.

First, I am a mail carrier (I joke and say I'm a mail escort but no one thinks that's very funny). Therefore, I was an "essential worker" during the pandemic. Whereas other people were sidelined from their work - either they were furloughed or they were able to work from home - mail carriers had to continue working and interacting with people. The drive to and from work was great when the lockdown happened, and at the time I was doing Uber Eats delivery as a second job and there was a lot of demand for that service, but the rest of it sucked. In the early days of Covid, no one knew how it was spreading and for awhile scientists thought it could live on the surfaces of objects, which meant that we were delivering mail and packages not knowing if we were going to get infected at some point. Later on, we discovered that wasn't the case but the fear that we all had in being a hands on worker was palpable and real. I was an early adopter when it came to wearing a mask, and I continued wearing one all the way through that year even though most of my fellow workers stopped doing it long before me. Every time a customer without a mask walked out of their house because they wanted to take the mail from me, it took everything within me to not scream "GET AWAY. I DON'T WANT YOUR GERMS. JUST LET ME DO MY JOB AND YOU CAN GRAB IT OUT OF THE MAILBOX WHEN I LEAVE!" The body is pretty good at inuring itself from past fear and trauma, but I do remember those days. I remember every time I felt a little sick if it was finally my time to get it. That year was crazy from a work perspective.

The second thing I'm processing is a relationship that took place during Covid. Right before the pandemic and the lockdown hit, my partner of a year and a half decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. But then because of what was happening around the world, she postponed the decision and we were still together through that year. 

Big mistake.

Because she was romantically and emotionally detaching from me, I was caught in a limbo world where there were times where I felt like someone cared for me; but other times where I was being emotionally and psychologically abused. And because I didn't know she had planned on leaving me, it was a very confusing time where I blamed myself, that perhaps my actions weren't doing enough. I started starving for connection and intimacy, and was only being given breadcrumbs that would satiate me less and less the longer it went. This relationship has been over for awhile now, and it's only recently that I can look back and see all the signs. She finally did tell me what she had planned early 2000; however it was two years after the fact. I felt constantly like I was walking on eggshells during that time and no matter what I did, it was never enough nor was it appreciated. I recently came across this quote:

"Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives." - Bessel van der Kolk

I hope that if you haven't started your processing journey through the things that happened with Covid, that you do so as soon as you can. Why? Well, there's a chance that we may have another pandemic on our hands with the bird flu and you don't want to have to deal with two past crazy situations at the same time. As van der Kolk says:

"We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It not only changes how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think."



Sunday, January 12, 2025

Top Ten Movies of 2024, part deux

 Before I describe in detail my top five movies of last year, I need to throw in a movie I saw a couple of days ago that I've been thinking about ever since. This would have definitely made my list, but I'll just include it here as an addendum to the list.

Would have made my top ten: Red Rooms


Red Rooms is a psychological thriller about a man who is on trial for brutally assaulting and murdering three young girls and showing it on a webcam on the dark web. There's a strange beautiful woman who keeps showing up to the trial and the movie is ultimately about her obsession with the trial and how that obsession can change a person for good and for bad. Incredibly well acted, it's a brooding and sinister look at the dark places in a person's soul. There is one specific scene at the trial that I won't be able to get out of my head for a long time. Highly recommend.

5. Heretic


Another surprising horror movie/psychological thriller on my list. In this movie, two Mormons show up at a house to try and make converts of the houseowners but the husband knows quite a bit about their religion as well as others and lures them into a twisted game to truly test their belief. Hugh Grant is phenomenal in the lead role, and the two Mormon women are excellent as well. Some of his arguments I thought were really well done, and you will never look at Blueberry pie the same way ever again.

4. Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga


No one believed that George Miller could ever top his masterpiece "Mad Max: Fury Road" but still the expectations were super high when it was announced that the next movie in the Mad Max franchise was going to be a prequel focusing on Imperator Furiosa from Fury Road. It's true that we didn't get the completely batshit crazy non-stop action that we got from that movie. What we did get was a really good backstory, an actual plot, some world building (something new to this franchise to be honest; usually you had to fill in yourself what this world was about), and a tremendously flawed villain, with Chris Hemsworth playing the true to his name Dementus. I can't believe this flopped at the box office. The action was still there (there's one setpiece that might rival Fury Road in how epic it is), Anya Taylor-Joy did a great job stepping into the role of Furiosa, and there is some stunning stunt work here. I'm sad that Miller will probably never be able to return to Mad Max ever again; these type of movies just don't get made anymore.

Note: I have changed the order of my top three movies after thinking long and hard about in what order these movies really moved me.

3. Conclave


I was mostly free of religion up until my junior high years; however what religious experiences I did have in those early years was due to my grandmother, who was a devout Catholic. I remember going to Mass at a church near her house; and it was confusing but it was always interesting. The priest of that church was an incredible man - funny thing is that a couple of months ago my brother asked me if I knew his name and it came to me immediately.

This movie was way better than I thought it was going to be; after all, a movie about cardinals gathering together to choose the next pope sounds like a dreadful snore. However, it was riveting and I will give anyone a hundred dollars who can guess correctly what happens at the end. You think you know, and even if you get one part of it right, the reasons behind the ending is something no one could possibly predict. A large group of Catholics are up-in-arms about the ending; I thought it was beautiful and inspiring and hopefully the direction the Catholic Church will steer towards. I'm not holding my breath though.

2. Civil War


This Alex Garland written and directed movie has been my number one movie of the year from the moment I saw it. I only changed it number two literally as I wrote these out because I revisited my number one, formerly number two movie and I have to give it a slight nod over this one because the themes of that movie, although different from my personal experience as a straight white man, are themes I have only realized recently that I have been wrestling with my whole life.

Many people found this movie disappointing because of several reasons. For one, this movie is not one that deals with a black and white worldview. The normal good guys might not actually be the good guys. The normal bad guys might not actually be the bad guys. Florida and Texas according to this movie have seceded from America and are fighting against...a fascist right wing president? For most people this made no sense. However, if you take your focus off of the backstory details of this world Garland has created, and live in the uncomfortable chaotic tension of a country in the middle of a civil war, I think you will understand what a masterpiece this is.

There are so many themes that are applicable to today's time: the role of truth telling and cold observance by our media; the horror of not only the machinations of war but also the unflinching acceptance of what happens to normal life during war; it's a movie that will challenge your idea of what America would be like if we continue down the path we're going on. There are so many scenes that I can't get out of my head. One in particular involves Jesse Plemons as a white supremacist so cold and calculating - and yet a character that totally makes sense in the context of today's time - that I've revisited it at least five times. 

Alex Garland in my opinion never disappoints - even his movie Men, although very flawed, made me think about its themes for months. I only wish I would have seen this in IMAX; the sound design in the last twenty minutes must have been both super impressive and nightmarish.

1. I Saw The TV Glow


This is a movie that I would have never watched ten years ago. Back then, I was definitely on the side of supporting and affirming the "gay lifestyle" but I never felt a desire to actually inhabit that world. It was foreign to me and I honestly would have felt like an intruder. I think this started to change when I was listening to a podcast and a friend of mine from college shared his story of coming out and the amount of pain yet hope he experienced. And it made me realize that to a certain degree, almost all of us can relate to feeling like a stranger in a foreign land, living in a world where you feel like no one truly understands who you are, and fighting constantly the societal pressures of conforming to a life of similitude. At what point do you give up and give in and just become another cog in the normality machine?

I am not a gay person. But I can relate to the themes of this movie because for thirty plus years I felt like an alien in a world that felt familiar and that I could take comfort in at certain times but ultimately the box that that world kept trying to keep me in could not contain my struggles, my doubts, my differences. That world was religion.

I Saw The TV Glow is about two people growing up who never fit the typical teenager mold and who take solace and togetherness in a shared experience of a TV show called The Pink Opaque. (it felt kind of like a Buffy the Vampire Slayer vibe) They both desire to escape the constrictive nature of their upbringing. One ultimately gets out; the other one resigns themselves to slowly conforming to the banality of their existence. A review of this movie puts it very well:

There are plenty of films that feature queer misery. There are even more fandoms that feature it. These works, whether they intend to or not, can betray our desire for affirmation and lead us to despair, but they are still valuable. In recalling them, we learn the limitations of searching for oneself in media. The difference is that I Saw the TV Glow doesn’t just feature queer misery, it’s specifically about it—the brutality is a feature, not a bug. It’s playing with the same tropes as bad faith queer films and fandom media, often with a bit of a wicked grin, but it’s a controlled environment. This is an exploration of what a ‘darkest timeline’ version of adolescent development might have looked like for a trans kid in the 90s. A timeline where development was stymied constantly, and in the place where identity and relationships were supposed to form, a dependency on a TV show emerged instead. It walks you right up to the brink of despair, but never forces you over it. 

I highly recommend this movie. It is different than anything I've ever seen and the fourth wall breaking feels transgressive at times, but give it a chance. It may make you think about your life and upbringing and what could have been different if you only had the courage to make a choice instead of letting that choice be made for you (something I have struggled with my whole life).


Thursday, January 09, 2025

Top Ten Movies of 2024, part 1

 2024 feels like a year where there weren't that many great movies, but looking at my list, I realize that some of them on here are some of my favorites of the last few years. It seems like every year, there is somewhat of a central theme that runs through my viewing adventure of that year, whether it be movies or TV shows. For example, the year where Parasite was my favorite movie, the theme of rich vs. poor was prevalent throughout my media consumption.

This year is no exception. It seems like a common thread for this year has been identity. Who are we really? As individuals? As a country? Are we truly living our authentic self, or are we hiding who we really are because society tells us we have to? This is something I've been thinking about all year, and it was interesting to see it also reflect in my media consumption.

First, let's do my honorable mentions. There is one that I didn't include in my original list so I'll mention it briefly: The Substance. I am not a big body horror fan so this movie made me squirm the entire time. However, Demi Moore puts on an incredible performance and Margaret Qualley - who I've liked ever since The Leftovers - shines as well. The reason it's not in my top ten besides the body horror aspect is that it seems to deliver its metaphor about aging and how women are treated in society as they get older with the largest hammer ever. This movie is certainly not subtle.

Honorable Mention: Hundreds Of Beavers



A delightfully crazy romp of a movie that feels like a Looney Tunes cartoon come to life. Creative and expressive with little dialogue and a lot of people in mascot suits running around causing mayhem.

Honorable Mention: Late Night With The Devil




I don't know why this year I gravitated towards a genre I often overlook: horror. If I was a therapist, I would probably tell myself that it's because watching horror movies helps me escape the horror of living on this earth during this time of existence, but I'm not so I'll just say that this year had some great horror movies, this one being one of the best ones. It reminded me of the Satanic Panic of the 1970's and some of the effects in this movie were truly jaw dropping. 

Honorable Mention: A Quiet Place: Day One



I agree with a couple of the hosts at the filmcast podcast that the title of this movie definitely doesn't pay off and was marketed wrong. We were told that we were going to get a movie that explained how everything began and how humanity discovered that silence was the key to survival against the horrifying aliens. We didn't get that. What we did get though was a beautiful story about a woman coming to terms with her mortality. Lupita Nyong'o is fantastic in this. And so is the cat. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time worried about that damn cat.

Ok, now here is my top ten, from ten to number one.

10. Challengers



Not very many people know this, but I was a huge tennis fan in the mid to late eighties. I didn't play the sport much, but the first time I saw Andre Agassi play on TV I was hooked. This is a tennis movie; but more than that it is a movie about friendship, the cost of obsession, and how thruples are super sexy and super impossible. The tennis is great, but the three main performances are even greater. I had a really great time watching this movie.

9. The Wild Robot



Another Nyong'o performance that was outstanding this year; this one being the voice of a futuristic robot sent to a land full of animals. It's main theme is about adoption, but there is so much more going for this film. I cried a few times, and although it seems like animated films are designed to do just that these days, it wasn't forced. I only wish I could have seen the animated movie Flow before deciding this was my favorite animated movie of the year.

8. Will And Harper



I try to include at least one documentary every year that challenged me and made me see the world in a different light. This is a movie about a road trip by Will Ferrell - the comedian, SNL standout and comedic movie star - and his long time friend, Harper. Harper was a writer on SNL during Ferrell's tenure. One day she told Will that she was a trans woman, and they agreed to go on a road trip to some of Harper's favorite parts of America. Such a fascinating look at friendship, the way trans people are treated in different parts of the USA, and the fears and challenges of finally accepting who you are vs. who others think you are.

7. It's What's Inside



Oh man, what a fun movie this was. I don't remember who recommended this to me; I was a bit skeptical about it but having loved Bodies Bodies Bodies even though the gen Z-ness of it kind of irritated me, I gave this movie full of gen z actors a chance and I'm so glad I did. I don't want to spoil it for anyone, so the basic detail is that a group of friends are getting together and one of them brings a tech machine that allows you to swap bodies with others. Hilarity and horror ensue and the director does such an amazing job of helping you keep track of who is in who's body. So much fun.

6. Dune Part Two



Another little known fact about me: I grew up devouring the Dune books. I brought one of them to a trip with my best friend when I went with him and his family to Alaska, and because it was summer and there was twenty hours of sunlight, I read it over and over again over those two weeks. I remember the David Lynch movie when it came out; it was strange and crazy and could have been good but the technology just wasn't ready in the eighties to really make it work. Denis Villaneuve is one of my favorite directors of the last decade and he got this story right. I did miss Patrick Stewart as Gurney Halleck holding a pug in one hand and a blaster in the other leading the charge of the Atreides against the Harkonnens and the Sarduakar, but everything else was perfect. And he made the right call with the ending of this movie, changing the triumph of Paul Atreides as not a good thing but rather an ominously bad thing.


Next Post: Top Ten Movies of 2024 (5-1)

Sunday, December 15, 2024

Christmas Time Is Here

Christmas time is here

Happiness and cheer

Fun for all that children call

Their favorite time of year


I've been thinking a lot about Christmas right now. It's funny that I've chosen careers in my lifetime where this season is incredibly busy and demanding of my time and attention. Being a mail carrier is really tough this time of year. You have way more packages, and the post office is always trying to find ways to screw us over, so this year just like last year, we aren't allowed to come in early to deliver packages. We have to take everything on our route, so we come back super late in the dark.

My position has changed though since September, and my job has become easier and better. Before, I was a city carrier that did just one route every day. But then a T6 position opened up and I was the winning bidder on it. As a T6, I get paid more and I take five different routes off days. I love the variety of having five different routes. And most of them are pretty easy. I used to have ten to twelve miles of walking a day; now I have maybe a couple of miles. Which means I have to find other ways of not being fat haha.

Of course the first career that I had was ministry, and the last several years was worship ministry, so Christmas was a big deal. Now, when I assess myself as a minister back in the day, I think I was a much better youth minister than worship minister. And honestly, I think I liked youth ministry better, mostly because I didn't have to really interact with the senior minister that much. It seems like most of my problems being on a church staff has been with the relationship with the senior minister. I'm sure some of it is my fault, but I've also worked for some senior ministers who had some serious control issues.

Anyway, as I said I thought I was better as a youth minister. But where I think I excelled in worship ministry was Christmas. I never wanted to just do Christmas songs the way they've always been done; I wanted to find new versions, new songs, and I'm not tooting my own horn here because this comes from people at the churches I worked at, but I really tried to make Christmas special from a worship ministry standpoint.

Not everyone appreciated that though. I remember one Christmas I did some very different things at the Christmas eve service. I did not do anything traditional, I did some very interesting versions of Christmas songs. We got some really good feedback from that year. However, the senior minister I worked for did not like it. I think he may have appreciated it, but the conversation went kind of like this:

Him: why didn't you do a more traditional Christmas eve service? People really like the traditional stuff at that time.

Me: not according to the comments we got from people. One person said that they hadn't been to a Christmas eve service in years but wanted to come back in January because they enjoyed the variations we did on Christmas songs. Another person said that if this is how we did regular church, they would be there every week.

Him: well my parents didn't like it. (his parents went to the church)

Me: your parents are Christians right?

Him: yes...

Me: well the people I'm talking about aren't, or are nominal Christians, so what we did Christmas even might have helped them get closer to god and perhaps we may see them become part of our church.

Him: but my parents didn't like it.

Me: I'm sorry that they didn't, but isn't our Christmas eve service designed to help move those who only come on Christmas and Easter to become members of our church? Your parents are already members and have been Christians for decades. 

Him: I want my parents to be happy about going to the Christmas eve service.

Me: So what you're saying is that really you want me to tailor a Christmas eve service for your parents and their generation who already are in the church, to get away from our mission as a church and to basically say "too bad" to the other people who like the edgy version of Christmas eve.

Him: I guess so.

And that's what I had to do for the next several years at that church. And we never got another positive comment about Christmas eve services in the time I was there. No negative comments, just no positive ones.

The good thing is that I had more leeway on the Sundays of December so I could pour my creative energy into those services.

I know this post is kind of all over the place, but I'm glad that I can appreciate Christmas music again. It took several years after I left ministry and faith in order to do so.

Also - Relient K has the best Christmas album of this millenium.

And - I just discovered another new favorite Christmas song. It's called "Christmas Lights" by the band Yellowcard. Check it out! It's so good.

One of my goals for next year is to get back into playing guitar, grabbing a few friends, and playing some Christmas songs somewhere in December.

Merry  Christmas, everyone.

Saturday, November 16, 2024

It's been six years...

 It's been six years since I've done anything with this blog. Does anyone read blogs anymore? Doubtful I'm sure. Blogs are most likely over as we know it. I don't think people have the attention span anymore to actually read anything, let alone a blog post on a computer. I know that my attention span has changed drastically. I have a hard time reading a real book. I can listen to an audiobook; but actually reading a book, I fall asleep quickly. 

So maybe this is a bad idea, bringing back something that no one will read. But I know I will read it. And I feel like I need a place to vent, a place to ruminate on what is happening in the world, where I can process what is happening in the world and my role in it.

Anyway, though no one will read this, I think I will attempt at restarting this.

Sunday, April 01, 2018

Easter, April Fools Day and Bart Ehrman, part 1

Did you know that Easter has only fallen on April Fools Day something like six times in the modern era, including today? Pretty crazy.

Even though I'm no longer a believer, during this time of the year I think a lot about the Holy Week leading up to Easter. Perhaps part of it is because for many years, the week leading up to Easter was the busiest week for me. (On a side note, one thing that is rather ironic is that my daughter's Spring Break week always fell on the week before Easter, which meant I was so busy that I didn't really get to spend much time with her while she was off, but the last three years since I've been out of ministry, the school district has changed it to the week after Easter. Go figure.)

However, one of the main reasons I'm usually in a pensive mood during this time every year is because of how inconsistent the biblical accounts of the events leading up to the crucifixion, the crucifixion itself, and the resurrection are, and how some of it makes no sense whatsoever.

I don't remember when I started getting wind of the differences in the gospels concerning these events. I was trying to recall my years in bible college and if I was taught these inconsistencies or if they were explained away and since we were being taught, I just assumed that what they were saying was true.

Here is one of the reasons why this gets me these days: if you think about it, the most important event in Christianity is the resurrection, and to a little lesser extent, the death of Jesus. Paul, in 1 Corinthians, talks about this importance, because he even said that if the resurrection didn't happen, "our preaching is useless and so is your faith." So if this is the most important concept, the most important theological construct, the most important event in human history, why is it that none of the gospels actually agree with what actually happened? (a lot of this reasoning is from Bart Ehrman's book Jesus, Interrupted.)

For example, when did the cleansing of the temple happen? In Mark, it happened during the last week of Jesus. In John, it happened at the beginning of his ministry. What about Palm Sunday? Did Jesus ride one animal, or did he ride two as he did in the book of Matthew? (This is attributed to Matthew making sure that Jesus fulfilled every prophecy he could think of and rather than understanding that when it said that the Messiah would ride in on a donkey and a colt that it was poetic language, Matthew took it literally.) What happened during the trial before Pilate? In Mark, Jesus hardly talks. In John, they have a long discourse. In Luke, there is another trial before Herod. What about Judas? Why did he betray Jesus? In Mark, no reason is given. In Matthew, he did it for the money. In Luke, he did it because Satan entered into him. In John, Judas is actually called a devil, which meant he had an evil streak. Also, how did Judas die? In Matthew, it says that he hanged himself. In Acts, it says that he fell headlong and burst open in the middle and that his bowels gushed out.

And what about the actual crucifixion? What did Jesus say on the cross? In Mark, he's practically silent. In John, he's saying all kinds of things. When did the curtain that separated the Holy Place from the Most Holy place tear in half? According to Mark, after Jesus breathes his last, the curtain is torn in half. In Luke it happens while Jesus is still alive and hanging on the cross. And let's not even get started about how in Matthew, zombies came up from the graves when Jesus died.

There have been a lot of theological and mental gymnastics by biblical scholars to reconcile these differences in the death of Jesus. They will say that all of these things happened, it's just that different gospel writers wrote different parts of the story. Or that they were writing to different audiences and emphasized different things. I don't believe any of that is correct, but even if I was to cede that argument, here's the discrepancy about Jesus' death that is so significant and so irreconcilable that to me it destroys any credibility of these stories.

It's about the day when the crucifixion happened.

In Matthew, Mark and Luke, the crucifixion happens the day of Passover. In those gospels, the Last Supper (which is the meal for the preparation for the passover) happens and Jesus and the disciples eat the meal. Jesus is then arrested that night, the trial happens through the night into the morning, and Jesus dies the next day.

In John, the crucifixion happens a day earlier, on the Day of Preparation for the Passover. There is a final meal but there is no Last Supper where Jesus talks about the bread being his body or the wine his blood. Instead he washes his disciples' feet (which is not found in the other gospels).

Let me reiterate this: in Mark, Jesus eats the Passover meal and is crucified the following morning. In John, Jesus does not eat the Passover meal but is crucified on the day before the Passover meal was to be eaten.

This cannot be reconciled. Believe me people have tried. Why is John different? Here's the main theory why. "John" (who was not the author) wrote his gospel twenty-five years later than Mark, and one of his main emphases is that Jesus is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. In order for that theme to align all the way through, he has to change the day and the time of when Jesus is crucified to the day and time when the Passover lambs were being slaughtered all over Israel, to show that Jesus was the ultimate Passover Lamb sacrificed for the sins of the world.

If a gospel writer is willing to change a super important fact, one that is very pivotal to the story of Christ, then what else are they willing to change in order to suit their needs? And how much has been changed throughout history? I know we have some pieces of the Bible that go back a long ways, but not all the way to when it was written. So all of this could have changed from the time it happened to the time it was written down, as well as from the time it was written down to the oldest pieces we have.

Do you see how this undermines the Bible? Do you see how it should be hard to believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God?

And don't even get me started with the resurrection. The pivotal event. Well, don't get me started yet. That's part two. :)

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

My Two Year Journey

This is a post that I've written a thousand times in my mind.

Every time I came up a little bit short when it came to writing it out. There was always the sense of it being the wrong timing, the fear of the impact of what I had to say, the constant worrying of how it was going to affect my relationship with people I respect greatly. There's the possibility of being ostracized. Of people being angry and confused.

There's also the opposite affect. That I've done damage to my relationships in such a large way already that my "announcement" is met with one giant "Meh." Which I'm ok with, believe me. But I think that when we make a huge decision, or announce something in our lives that we think is a big deal, that there is some kind of response.

Let me go ahead and get it out right now. I'm not going to string you along or draw it out. I'm going to tell you what it is, and then I'm going to explain my journey. So here it is.

I no longer believe in God.
I am no longer a Christian.
I do not believe in the supernatural.
I believe that this is the only life we have.

Let me describe for you my journey to this point.

I have been out of ministry for two years now. I'm not going to get into all the details, but let's just say that it was a very tough departure. When I left the church I was at, I was kind of bitter at it all. There is definite blame on both sides, that I will not dispute, but the experience of leaving was one that left a huge mark on my heart. It took me about five months to find another job outside of ministry, but it still affects me and I still ache because of what happened. But let's go back to when I first had these feelings.

I have always felt like a square peg in a round hole. I became a Christian officially some time around third grade, being baptized in a murky pond up at church camp. But I really had no idea what I was doing.

I became more and more involved in church in my junior high and high school days, even excelling in a program called Bible Bowl. This is where I believe my life turned for the worst. You see, I was extremely interested in science. My school friends and I were nerds and we liked science stuff. But when I started doing well in Bible Bowl, I drew myself nearer to my church friends and further from my school friends. With my success came scholarships. I had full ride scholarships to any Christian college I wanted in the country. I chose one in southern California because some of my friends decided to go.

My senior year of high school, my mom died of cancer. I remember praying "I swear to you God, if I figure out that this whole heaven thing is a sham and that my mom will stay buried and dead for the rest of life here on earth, I'm going to give all this up." How prophetic.

So I went off to college. And although I enjoyed my years of college, I once again felt like I never really fit in. What people were concerned about I really wasn't, and what I was concerned about seemed nonexistent on campus.

I graduated - barely because I jumped off a roof into the school pool right before graduation - and went off to an internship in Arizona. Things went decent until (1) a new youth minister came in who felt compelled to undo every good thing we were doing with the students and (2) I got a brain tumor. I had headaches for months before the diagnosis, and the church leadership thought I was faking it because I didn't want to work. After two surgeries, I decided to go back to Colorado. And I became the youth minister at my home church.

Now I'm not going to completely tell the story, so let's just say my ministry years had a lot of highs and a lot of lows. I think I did some great things as a student minister in CO and in TX. I butted heads with elders and leaders over lots of different things. I believe I should never have left my home church. Who knows where I would be today, haha.

When I became a worship minister, I had to work more closely with senior ministers. I had a lot of conflict with several of them. It seemed like a lot of it revolved around new building programs. I felt that when that happened, the church leadership became only concerned about the ABC's: attendance, buildings, and cash.

I started down this long road of not believing in God in 2008. I had moved back to Colorado to help plant a church. I believed that God would provide. I believed that the people who I gave so much to when I was a youth minister in CO would give back. I believed that my sacrificing my family (I went six months without them that year) on the altar of ministry would be worthwhile and everything would work out. Nothing worked out. My family moved back, I was finishing up my last days at the church plant, and I remember going into a Barnes and Noble and looking at some books about the existence of God. These books made sense to me. They described how I felt. They described the uneasiness I felt for years when it came to Christianity and the Bible. However, I tabled those thoughts because I got a new ministry position back in Ohio. We didn't have to leave our house, it was pretty close, and things started out great.

I have two brothers. One lives in Colorado, and one lived in New York. The one in New York, Aaron, was having some health problems due to some bad choices he made in his life and so we invited him to live with us. Eventually we found him a place to live on his own. For a couple of years we watched him fight with his demons.

I remember the Tuesday when we went over to his apartment. We hadn't heard from him in a couple of days and he had left a strange Facebook message. I went into his house, and tried to open the bathroom door. As I opened it up a little bit, my brother's body was blocking the door. He was gone forever.

My world was blown apart. The church response was uneven. There were some who were genuinely concerned for us. Other friends seemed to disappear, uncertain of what they should do. I took one Sunday off and then was pressured to get up on stage again the next Sunday. I had nothing to say. All the words to the songs didn't mean anything anymore. One of my favorite songs we used to do, "How He Loves," was a song I sang in a rage at that point. Because I didn't believe any of what I was singing. I had a woman tell me right before I went up on stage "So sorry to hear about your brother, because I mean, we don't even know where he is now, since...you know." That day I told my friend that he might have to come and sing for me because I was tempted to leave. Somehow I pulled myself together and made it through.

The year after that was a mess. When I got up on stage, I couldn't determine where the line was between showing your scars and bleeding all over the stage. I stopped giving any kind of prayer or thought and just played through. When I left to find other opportunities, my life was shattered.

That was two years ago. In the span of two years, I have done a lot of research, thinking, and wrestling. This decision is not an easy one or a flippant one. There are many reasons why I no longer believe what I used to, but let me quickly give you some of them:

1. My own story. See above.

2. Church history. Christians have been on the wrong side of history many times through history. You think it would be easy to follow the words of their leader. Apparently it isn't.

3. The Bible. If you want to stay a Christian, don't read about the Bible. How it has been changed throughout the years. Why certain books got in. How a small percentage of the books were authored by those who are claimed to author them. The discrepancies. The errors. Why is it that the four accounts of the resurrection story in the gospels are all different? You would think that the most singular important event in Christendom - the rising of the savior - would be something that would be consistent. It isn't. And once you start pulling off the springs of the Bible on your trampoline of faith, pretty soon you have nothing to jump on.

4. Church issues. This is a big one. Why does the church make such a big issue of the supposed sin of homosexuality and so little of sins that were talked about way more in the bible? Why is it ok for a man to have long hair but a woman to not be able to speak or teach men? Why are there seventeen different beliefs about baptism: who is supposed to be baptized, when are they supposed to be baptized, what does it do, is it completely necessary for salvation, do you have to be baptized once or twice? Is baptism by immersion or sprinkling? You would think it would be easy to follow an infallible book and all be on the same page.

5. This past year. I knew that Christianity was no longer my tribe when I saw how many Christians blindly support a president who is the antithesis of everything Christ taught and lived. How many Christians voted in Alabama for a pedophile over a Democrat. How many Christians now say that a president's private life can be separate from his public life. The hypocrisy is overwhelming and I want nothing to do with that.

I could go on and on about my reasons, but I'll stop there. (I'm thinking about writing a book about it honestly)

Now all of this might make you sad, but I hope you understand how happy I am. I am starting to fly. I have a group of fellow humanists that I have dinner with regularly who are some of the most genuine, loving people I have ever met. We are a group of different races and genders and sexual preferences and backgrounds and we genuinely care about each other and want to make a difference in the world. Not because some book demands it. Not because we are afraid of being punished if we don't or because we look forward to rewards if we do. No, we want to make a difference because that's what good people do.

There are a lot of opportunities that I'm grateful for in my life which I will share at a later time. Let me close with a quote from an author who I admire, Robert Ingersoll:

When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell. The dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts and bars and manacles became dust.

I agree, Robert. I agree.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Science In America

Neil deGrasse Tyson is a hero of mine. He's smart, he's articulate, and he's a champion for science. He seems to be a nice guy, but like one of my other heroes, Bill Nye, don't get in the way of science. Tyson will browbeat you with reason.

This video that he recently put out is a reminder to us all that science is what made this country great, and in the midst of a new wave of anti-intellectualism and a denial of truth even where science is involved, we need this reminder more than ever.

Check it out here:




Monday, April 17, 2017

Movie Review: The Discovery

I thought it would be interesting to do reviews of movies I find fascinating. If you know me, you know that I really like independent movies, usually in the sci-fi genre. Some of my favorite movies are low-budget movies that don't get a lot of press, don't get a lot of audience, but are way better (in my opinion) than most of the big-budget blockbusters that come out throughout the year.

Here are some examples of some of my favorite movies in this vein:




(These all star the fabulous and underrated Brit Marling, who also wrote a couple of these movies.)

Also:



I could add more to this list, but since most of you probably have never heard of any of these, I'll just stop haha.

Anyway here is the movie I watched tonight. I wouldn't put it up with the five movies above, but it was very good. It's called The Discovery.


As you can see, it starts Jason Segel, Rooney Mara and Robert Redford. The premise of the movie is probably more interesting than the execution, but after it was done I just sat there, with a few tears in my eyes, reflecting on what I saw.

Here is the basic plot: A neuroscientist (Robert Redford) in the near future has proven to the world that there is actually a life after death. This has some disturbing consequences, one of the biggest being that millions of people across the globe commit suicide due to the now proven promise of a life beyond the grave. Because of this, the neuroscientist has withdrawn from the public life and has devoted himself to helping people get over thoughts of killing themselves. He shelters them and tries to give them meaning in this life. One of his sons (Jason Segel) has distanced himself from his father due to their mother's tragic death but decides to come visit him and his brother. On the ferry ride, he meets a young woman (Rooney Mara) and strikes up a conversation. We find out soon what her reasoning is for being on the ferry boat.

The movie centers around two things. First is Robert Redford's "discovery": he has figured out how to record the afterlife through a machine. Simply attach the device to someone, flatline them, and the video records what happens as they die. Simply bring them back to life, and no harm no foul. However, it doesn't seem to work the way Redford believes it does....

The second thing is the relationship between Will (Segel) and Isla (Mara). They strike up a romance and also throughout the movie "discover" that perhaps they know each other beyond the chance encounter on the ferry.

To say anymore about the plot would give away some massive spoilers. However, I found the premise fascinating and I thought there was great acting, clever dialogue and many extremely moving scenes where I stopped the movie to reflect on what I just witnessed.

This movie actually does remind me of two of the above movies: Another Earth, and i Origins. The former deals with second chances and living with regret; the latter deals with evolution and the question of reincarnation or some kind of afterlife.

The Discovery certainly brought up many questions in my head that I can't really come to terms with; these questions are questions that people throughout several millenia have wrestled with. Questions like:

1. Is there really an afterlife?

2. What does that afterlife look like?

3. If one knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was life beyond the grave, would it inspire them to live better here on earth, or would it make it worse?

4. For those who have a hope in the afterlife, does question #3 apply in equal measure even though there is no proof of life after death?

5. Does part of the afterlife involve some kind of a purgatory or karma-like state in which you get a chance to right the wrongs of your life, or perhaps deal with regrets or wishes?

I'm sure other questions are floating in my head, including the implications of suicide - considering my brother took his life a couple of years ago - but that's enough for now. I love movies that cause me to think and examine myself, and The Discovery does that well. This movie is a Netflix original, so if you have Netflix, you can see it for free. I mean, you probably subscribe monthly so it's not necessarily free, but it is very accessible. Check it out!

Monday, April 03, 2017

Don't Let Me Down

Trying to start up this blog again. It's really hard to find the time when you work about seventy hours a week. But I feel like it's important, especially because I have all day long as I drive a mail truck around to think about stuff and it would be nice to get some of those thoughts out of my head. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I would like to start sharing some of those changes and some of those thoughts.

I don't get to watch very many commercials; we made the decision several years ago to ditch DirectTV and just do Netflix and Amazon Prime. One good thing about it is that you don't have to see all the really dumb commercials, especially the local ones that are so bad, like "Uncle Jimmy's Mattress Land" or "Si's Used Car Lot". But you do miss out on some really good ones.

My new favorite commercial is from State Farm. It features a song that is my daughter's and my jam - "Don't Let Me Down" by the Chainsmokers and Daya. But it isn't the original song, it's a remake by the wonderful and talented Joy Williams. Joy was one half of the musical artist The Civil Wars which was one of my favorites until tragically they broke up after only two albums. Joy had a solo career before The Civil Wars, and she has one now. I love her voice and I love the remakes she has done (go youtube search "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran redone by her. It's amazing).

Anyway, here's the video:


As you can see, it's about a guy who is thinking about volunteering, about doing something, about making a difference, but hasn't pulled the trigger. So all these people and animals in need follow him around during his day. At the end, he finally decides to go ahead and take the next step.

Great video. Great concept. Great song.

Why is it that we struggle with making a difference? Of stepping out of our comfort zone?

Scratch that.

Let me change the pronoun. Because I'm really good at making sweeping generalizations, which isn't fair. You may already be volunteering or helping out at twenty-seven different places. So let me restart.

Why is that I struggle with making a difference? Of stepping out of my comfort zone?

I have all the excuses in the world. I work six days a week and usually five nights a week. I get four hours of sleep a night. My feet hurt from being a mailman. Blah blah blah.

Here's the thing. Everyone can make a difference. In little ways or big ways.

We have sponsored a little girl through World Vision for ten years now. We love Clementine. So why can't I take five minutes out of one of my days and send her a letter saying that we love her and we hope she's doing well?

I have spent a lot of time fighting human trafficking over the years. I've been out of it for a couple. Why can't I take a little bit of time and do something? I know it's still a cause that is meaningful to me.

I love animals. Why can't I take a few hours a month and volunteer at a shelter? Because it makes me sad that these pets haven't been adopted? Won't me being there just a little bit brighten up their day? I mean, I'm already "that mailman that stops and pets dogs and cats," so why can't I do that at a shelter?

It's time to give up the excuses and do something.

It reminds me of that really cheesy song called Thank You by Ray Boltz, where he envisions going to heaven and having people come up to him to tell him how he impacted their lives by doing little things. Maybe there's another line in heaven where all the people and animals we didn't help are waiting to express their disappointment and how we had the chance but didn't impact them at all.

Like I said, I have a lot of time on my hands to think while I'm driving and delivering mail. Ha.

Here's the thing, without getting too much into changes that have been happening in my life (those stories are for another time): because I believe even more strongly now that the one life we have here to live on this earth is even more important, can I let that belief inspire me to make a difference, so that I don't have a group of people and polar bears follow me around in my mind, saying "Don't let me down?"

I hope so.

Sunday, May 01, 2016

A New Normal.

It's been an interesting time for me as of late.

For those of you who know me, you know that I have been in ministry for over twenty years. For reasons I probably won't share at this point in the blog - some in my control and some out of my control - I have stepped out of ministry and am looking for another career.

It has been tough trying to translate "church world" into "real world" in such a way that I am employable. I have had a few chances, but haven't actually been the final candidate to get the position.

It's put me in a weird place.

I feel like I'm starting all over again. Like I just stepped out of college, unsure of the direction of my life, uncertain of what I really want to do. Of course, the first time this happened to me, I felt "called" to ministry.

Now I just feel kind of lost.

Not just in the business world. I feel lost in my personal world as well. When you are a minister at a church, essentially your whole world revolves around the church. Your friends and acquaintances go to the same church as you work at, your activities are at church, and as a worship minister, I found myself at the church a lot, doing things well past the 40 hour per work week.

And now it's different.

My friends and acquaintances have moved on. People who I had always thought would stay in touch haven't at all. We have no activities at the church because we don't go there anymore. And my extra-curricular adventures do not involve building props for an upcoming message series, or fine-tuning the video system.

I've been feeling adrift for a couple of months now. Trying to find a new normal. You see, usually when you leave one ministry, you head to another and you make connections and you find a new "tribe." That's not happening this time.

Today was good, though. We have new neighbors who moved in a couple of weeks ago. I know a few of our neighbors, but we aren't really close with any of them except for a sweet elderly couple. I also had a hard time really talking with our neighbors in the past, because I always knew the "what do you do" question would get asked, and usually after I answer there is an awkward silence, followed by a "oh! That's good." And then we would see them outside, smile and wave awkwardly, knowing that my profession scared them off. Ha.

Today, I was talking with our neighbor, the husband, and he was asking me about the cicada fun that will happen in a month or so, and he asked me what I do for fun around here, and I was like, "You know what? Honestly, I don't know now." And I told him how I used to be a minister, and he told me that they were Catholic but hadn't gone to church in a long time, and then he invited us to come over to their house next weekend for dinner.

And you know what? I had a really good feeling after he went back to his house.

One reason is that I didn't feel any pressure about my job (I don't have one, and the one I had is no longer), another is that I didn't have the pressure of inviting them to church or anything, because that's not what I do anymore.

But the last one is the best. I felt like I'm moving on. There are a few people who I still keep in contact with, who I still will. There are others who have confounded me with their absence, but I'm learning that it's ok to be disappointed when I feel rejected. Life moves on in their world just as it moves on in mine, and if they don't want me to be part of their world, it's ok. There's a freedom in not having the pressure of being a minister or not having to do certain things in a certain way or not having to tie every conversation with an "unchurched" person into a trick to get them to come to church.

It's almost like deprogramming from a cult. Even when I was telling my neighbor about how I'm not really sure what I do anymore because I don't have ministry as my job, I felt like I was telling him that I escaped David Koresh or something. Being able to be true to oneself, to do the things I want to do without the guilt trip laid on me when I don't do things others want me to do, has been definitely freeing.

It's a lonely adventure so far, but I know that I will gain a new tribe, figure out a new way to keep hope up without the constricting presence of church, and next year at this time I will be so happy and fulfilled that I won't even look back. Here's to the second half of my life. It's definitely not as planned out or predictable as the first one, at least as far as career and life journey, but I'm looking forward to the ride.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

The Power Of Music

For anyone who doesn't believe that there is power in music, power in the way it shapes us, gives us emotions, inspires us, and more - here is a look at a nursing home patient who comes alive when his favorite music is played in his headphones.

http://truththeory.com/2016/04/09/man-suffering-from-dementia-reacts-to-hearing-music-from-his-era-his-reaction-will-make-you-cry/

Henry's response is amazing. By the way Oliver Sacks is the neurologist whose story is featured in the movie Awakenings with Robin Williams and Robert DeNiro.

Friday, April 08, 2016

The Christian Paradox: How A Faithful Nation Gets It Wrong

I should honestly post this article that I read back almost a decade ago each and every month to remind myself and others of how America, as a Christian nation, just doesn't get it. I was going to link to the article, but instead I'm going to post it in its entirety. Bill McKibben is a hero of mine, someone who works tirelessly to save the planet from environmental disaster. I hope it opens your eyes up as much as it did mine the first time I read it, and every I've read it after. (This isn't all of the article; unfortunately it's just an excerpt.)

The Christian paradox:
How a faithful nation gets Jesus wrong
By Bill McKibben - Harper's Magazine, August, 2005

What it means to be Christian in America.

Only 40 percent of Americans can name more than four of the Ten Commandments, and a scant half can cite any of the four authors of the Gospels. Twelve percent believe Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. This failure to recall the specifics of our Christian heritage may be further evidence of our nation's educational decline, but it probably doesn't matter all that much in spiritual or political terms. Here is a statistic that does matter: Three quarters of Americans believe the Bible teaches that “God helps those who help themselves.” That is, three out of four Americans believe that this uber-American idea, a notion at the core of our current individualist politics and culture, which was in fact uttered by Ben Franklin, actually appears in Holy Scripture. The thing is, not only is Franklin's wisdom not biblical; it's counter-biblical. Few ideas could be further from the gospel message, with its radical summons to love of neighbor. On this essential matter, most Americans—most American Christians—are simply wrong, as if 75 percent of American scientists believed that Newton proved gravity causes apples to fly up. Asking Christians what Christ taught isn't a trick. When we say we are a Christian nation—and, overwhelmingly, we do—it means something. People who go to church absorb lessons there and make real decisions based on those lessons; increasingly, these lessons inform their politics. (One poll found that 11 percent of U.S. churchgoers were urged by their clergy to vote in a particular way in the 2004 election, up from 6 percent in 2000.) When George Bush says that Jesus Christ is his favorite philosopher, he may or may not be sincere, but he is reflecting the sincere beliefs of the vast majority of Americans.

And therein is the paradox. America is simultaneously the most professedly Christian of the developed nations and the least Christian in its behavior. That paradox—more important, perhaps, than the much touted ability of French women to stay thin on a diet of chocolate and cheese—illuminates the hollow at the core of our boastful, careening culture. Ours is among the most spiritually homogenous rich nations on earth. Depending on which poll you look at and how the question is asked, somewhere around 85 percent of us call ourselves Christian. Israel, by way of comparison, is 77 percent Jewish. It is true that a smaller number of Americans—about 75 percent—claim they actually pray to God on a daily basis, and only 33 percent say they manage to get to church every week. Still, even if that 85 percent overstates actual practice, it clearly represents aspiration. In fact, there is nothing else that unites more than four fifths of America. Every other statistic one can cite about American behavior is essentially also a measure of the behavior of professed Christians. That's what America is: a place saturated in Christian identity.

But is it Christian? This is not a matter of angels dancing on the heads of pins. Christ was pretty specific about what he had in mind for his followers. What if we chose some simple criterion—say, giving aid to the poorest people—as a reasonable proxy for Christian behavior? After all, in the days before his crucifixion, when Jesus summed up his message for his disciples, he said the way you could tell the righteous from the damned was by whether they'd fed the hungry, slaked the thirsty, clothed the naked, welcomed the stranger, and visited the prisoner. What would we find then?

In 2004, as a share of our economy, we ranked second to last, after Italy, among developed countries in government foreign aid. Per capita we each provide fifteen cents a day in official development assistance to poor countries. And it's not because we were giving to private charities for relief work instead. Such funding increases our average daily donation by just six pennies, to twenty-one cents. It's also not because Americans were too busy taking care of their own; nearly 18 percent of American children lived in poverty (compared with, say, 8 percent in Sweden). In fact, by pretty much any measure of caring for the least among us you want to propose—childhood nutrition, infant mortality, access to preschool—we come in nearly last among the rich nations, and often by a wide margin. The point is not just that (as everyone already knows) the American nation trails badly in all these categories; it's that the overwhelmingly Christian American nation trails badly in all these categories, categories to which Jesus paid particular attention. And it's not as if the numbers are getting better: the U.S. Department of Agriculture reported last year that the number of households that were “food insecure with hunger” had climbed more than 26 percent between 1999 and 2003. This Christian nation also tends to make personal, as opposed to political, choices that the Bible would seem to frown upon. Despite the Sixth Commandment, we are, of course, the most violent rich nation on earth, with a murder rate four or five times that of our European peers. We have prison populations greater by a factor of six or seven than other rich nations (which at least should give us plenty of opportunity for visiting the prisoners). Having been told to turn the other cheek, we're the only Western democracy left that executes its citizens, mostly in those states where Christianity is theoretically strongest. Despite Jesus' strong declarations against divorce, our marriages break up at a rate—just over half—that compares poorly with the European Union's average of about four in ten. That average may be held down by the fact that Europeans marry less frequently, and by countries, like Italy, where divorce is difficult; still, compare our success with, say, that of the godless Dutch, whose divorce rate is just over 37 percent. Teenage pregnancy? We're at the top of the charts. Personal self-discipline—like, say, keeping your weight under control? Buying on credit? Running government deficits? Do you need to ask?

Are Americans hypocrites? Of course they are. But most people (me, for instance) are hypocrites. The more troubling explanation for this disconnect between belief and action, I think, is that most Americans—which means most believers—have replaced the Christianity of the Bible, with its call for deep sharing and personal sacrifice, with a competing creed. In fact, there may be several competing creeds. For many Christians, deciphering a few passages of the Bible to figure out the schedule for the End Times has become a central task. You can log on to RaptureReady.com for a taste of how some of these believers view the world—at this writing the Rapture Index had declined three points to 152 because, despite an increase in the number of U.S. pagans, “Wal-Mart is falling behind in its plan to bar code all products with radio tags.” Other End-Timers are more interested in forcing the issue—they're convinced that the way to coax the Lord back to earth is to “Christianize” our nation and then the world. Consider House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. At church one day he listened as the pastor, urging his flock to support the administration, declared that “the war between America and Iraq is the gateway to the Apocalypse.” DeLay rose to speak, not only to the congregation but to 225 Christian TV and radio stations. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “what has been spoken here tonight is the truth of God.”

The apocalyptics may not be wrong. One could make a perfectly serious argument that the policies of Tom DeLay are in fact hastening the End Times. But there's nothing particularly Christian about this hastening. The creed of Tom DeLay—of Tim LaHaye and his Left Behind books, of Pat Robertson's “The Antichrist is probably a Jew alive in Israel today”—ripened out of the impossibly poetic imagery of the Book of Revelation. Imagine trying to build a theory of the Constitution by obsessively reading and rereading the Twenty-fifth Amendment, and you'll get an idea of what an odd approach this is. You might be able to spin elaborate fantasies about presidential succession, but you'd have a hard time working backwards to “We the People.” This is the contemporary version of Archbishop Ussher's seventeenth-century calculation that the world had been created on October 23, 4004 B.C., and that the ark touched down on Mount Ararat on May 5, 2348 B.C., a Wednesday. Interesting, but a distant distraction from the gospel message.

The apocalyptics, however, are the lesser problem. It is another competing (though sometimes overlapping) creed, this one straight from the sprawling megachurches of the new exurbs, that frightens me most. Its deviation is less obvious precisely because it looks so much like the rest of the culture. In fact, most of what gets preached in these palaces isn't loony at all. It is disturbingly conventional. The pastors focus relentlessly on you and your individual needs. Their goal is to service consumers—not communities but individuals: “seekers” is the term of art, people who feel the need for some spirituality in their (or their children's) lives but who aren't tightly bound to any particular denomination or school of thought. The result is often a kind of soft-focus, comfortable, suburban faith.

A New York Times reporter visiting one booming megachurch outside Phoenix recently found the typical scene: a drive-through latte stand, Krispy Kreme doughnuts at every service, and sermons about “how to discipline your children, how to reach your professional goals, how to invest your money, how to reduce your debt.” On Sundays children played with church-distributed Xboxes, and many congregants had signed up for a twice-weekly aerobics class called Firm Believers. A list of bestsellers compiled monthly by the Christian Booksellers Association illuminates the creed. It includes texts like Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen—pastor of a church so mega it recently leased a 16,000-seat sports arena in Houston for its services—which even the normally tolerant Publishers Weekly dismissed as “a treatise on how to get God to serve the demands of self-centered individuals.” Nearly as high is Beth Moore, with her Believing God—“Beth asks the tough questions concerning the fruit of our Christian lives,” such as “are we living as fully as we can?” Other titles include Humor for a Woman's Heart, a collection of “humorous writings” designed to “lift a life above the stresses and strains of the day”; The Five Love Languages, in which Dr. Gary Chapman helps you figure out if you're speaking in the same emotional dialect as your significant other; and Karol Ladd's The Power of a Positive Woman. Ladd is the co-founder of USA Sonshine Girls—the “Son” in Sonshine, of course, is the son of God—and she is unremittingly upbeat in presenting her five-part plan for creating a life with “more calm, less stress.”

Not that any of this is so bad in itself. We do have stressful lives, humor does help, and you should pay attention to your own needs. Comfortable suburbanites watch their parents die, their kids implode. Clearly I need help with being positive. And I have no doubt that such texts have turned people into better parents, better spouses, better bosses. It's just that these authors, in presenting their perfectly sensible advice, somehow manage to ignore Jesus' radical and demanding focus on others. It may, in fact, be true that “God helps those who help themselves,” both financially and emotionally. (Certainly fortune does.) But if so it's still a subsidiary, secondary truth, more Franklinity than Christianity. You could eliminate the scriptural references in most of these bestsellers and they would still make or not make the same amount of sense. Chicken Soup for the Zoroastrian Soul. It is a perfect mirror of the secular bestseller lists, indeed of the secular culture, with its American fixation on self-improvement, on self-esteem. On self. These similarities make it difficult (although not impossible) for the televangelists to posit themselves as embattled figures in a “culture war”— they offer too uncanny a reflection of the dominant culture, a culture of unrelenting self-obsession.

Who am I to criticize someone else's religion? After all, if there is anything Americans agree on, it's that we should tolerate everyone else's religious expression. As aNewsweek writer put it some years ago at the end of his cover story on apocalyptic visions and the Book of Revelation, “Who's to say that John's mythic battle between Christ and Antichrist is not a valid insight into what the history of humankind is all about?” (Not Newsweek, that's for sure; their religious covers are guaranteed big sellers.) To that I can only answer that I'm a . . . Christian. Not a professional one; I'm an environmental writer mostly. I've never progressed further in the church hierarchy than Sunday school teacher at my backwoods Methodist church. But I've spent most of my Sunday mornings in a pew. I grew up in church youth groups and stayed active most of my adult life—started homeless shelters in church basements, served soup at the church food pantry, climbed to the top of the rickety ladder to put the star on the church Christmas tree. My work has been, at times, influenced by all that—I've written extensively about the Book of Job, which is to me the first great piece of nature writing in the Western tradition, and about the overlaps between Christianity and environmentalism. In fact, I imagine I'm one of a fairly small number of writers who have had cover stories in both the Christian Century, the magazine of liberal mainline Protestantism, and Christianity Today, which Billy Graham founded, not to mention articles in Sojourners, the magazine of the progressive evangelical community co-founded by Jim Wallis.

Indeed, it was my work with religious environmentalists that first got me thinking along the lines of this essay. We were trying to get politicians to understand why the Bible actually mandated protecting the world around us (Noah: the first Green), work that I think is true and vital. But one day it occurred to me that the parts of the world where people actually had cut dramatically back on their carbon emissions, actually did live voluntarily in smaller homes and take public transit, were the same countries where people were giving aid to the poor and making sure everyone had health care—countries like Norway and Sweden, where religion was relatively unimportant. How could that be? For Christians there should be something at least a little scary in the notion that, absent the magical answers of religion, people might just get around to solving their problems and strengthening their communities in more straightforward ways. But for me, in any event, the European success is less interesting than the American failure. Because we're not going to be like them. Maybe we'd be better off if we abandoned religion for secular rationality, but we're not going to; for the foreseeable future this will be a “Christian” nation. The question is, what kind of Christian nation? The tendencies I've been describing—toward an apocalyptic End Times faith, toward a comfort-the-comfortable, personal-empowerment faith—veil the actual, and remarkable, message of the Gospels.

When one of the Pharisees asked Jesus what the core of the law was, Jesus replied: You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Love your neighbor as yourself: although its rhetorical power has been dimmed by repetition, that is a radical notion, perhaps the most radical notion possible. Especially since Jesus, in all his teachings, made it very clear who the neighbor you were supposed to love was: the poor person, the sick person, the naked person, the hungry person. The last shall be made first; turn the other cheek; a rich person aiming for heaven is like a camel trying to walk through the eye of a needle. On and on and on—a call for nothing less than a radical, voluntary, and effective reordering of power relationships, based on the principle of love.

I confess, even as I write these words, to a feeling close to embarrassment. Because in public we tend not to talk about such things—my theory of what Jesus mostly meant seems like it should be left in church, or confined to some religious publication. But remember the overwhelming connection between America and Christianity; what Jesus meant is the most deeply potent political, cultural, social question. To ignore it, or leave it to the bullies and the salesmen of the televangelist sects, means to walk away from a central battle over American identity. At the moment, the idea of Jesus has been hijacked by people with a series of causes that do not reflect his teachings. The Bible is a long book, and even the Gospels have plenty in them, some of it seemingly contradictory and hard to puzzle out. But love your neighbor as yourself—not do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but love your neighbor as yourself—will suffice as a gloss. There is no disputing the centrality of this message, nor is there any disputing how easy it is to ignore that message. Because it is so counterintuitive, Christians have had to keep repeating it to themselves right from the start. Consider Paul, for instance, instructing the church at Galatea: “For the whole law is summed up in a single commandment,” he wrote. “‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”

American churches, by and large, have done a pretty good job of loving the neighbor in the next pew. A pastor can spend all Sunday talking about the Rapture Index, but if his congregation is thriving you can be assured he's spending the other six days visiting people in the hospital, counseling couples, and sitting up with grieving widows. All this human connection is important. But if the theology makes it harder to love the neighbor a little farther away—particularly the poor and the weak—then it's a problem. And the dominant theologies of the moment do just that. They undercut Jesus, muffle his hard words, deaden his call, and in the end silence him. In fact, the soft-focus consumer gospel of the suburban megachurches is a perfect match for emergent conservative economic notions about personal responsibility instead of collective action. Privatize Social Security? Keep health care for people who can afford it? File those under “God helps those who help themselves.”

Take Alabama as an example. In 2002, Bob Riley was elected governor of the state, where 90 percent of residents identify themselves as Christians. Riley could safely be called a conservative—right-wing majordomo Grover Norquist gave him a Friend of the Taxpayer Award every year he was in Congress, where he'd never voted for a tax increase. But when he took over Alabama, he found himself administering a tax code that dated to 1901. The richest Alabamians paid 3 percent of their income in taxes, and the poorest paid up to 12 percent; income taxes kicked in if a family of four made $4,600 (even in Mississippi the threshold was $19,000), while out-of-state timber companies paid $1.25 an acre in property taxes. Alabama was forty-eighth in total state and local taxes, and the largest proportion of that income came from sales tax—a super-regressive tax that in some counties reached into double digits. So Riley proposed a tax hike, partly to dig the state out of a fiscal crisis and partly to put more money into the state's school system, routinely ranked near the worst in the nation. He argued that it was Christian duty to look after the poor more carefully.

Had the new law passed, the owner of a $250,000 home in Montgomery would have paid $1,432 in property taxes—we're not talking Sweden here. But it didn't pass. It was crushed by a factor of two to one. Sixty-eight percent of the state voted against it—meaning, of course, something like 68 percent of the Christians who voted. The opposition was led, in fact, not just by the state's wealthiest interests but also by the Christian Coalition of Alabama. “You'll find most Alabamians have got a charitable heart,” said John Giles, the group's president. “They just don't want it coming out of their pockets.” On its website, the group argued that taxing the rich at a higher rate than the poor “results in punishing success” and that “when an individual works for their income, that money belongs to the individual.” You might as well just cite chapter and verse from Poor Richard's Almanack. And whatever the ideology, the results are clear. “I'm tired of Alabama being first in things that are bad,” said Governor Riley, “and last in things that are good.”

A rich man came to Jesus one day and asked what he should do to get into heaven. Jesus did not say he should invest, spend, and let the benefits trickle down; he said sell what you have, give the money to the poor, and follow me. Few plainer words have been spoken. And yet, for some reason, the Christian Coalition of America—founded in 1989 in order to “preserve, protect and defend the Judeo-Christian values that made this the greatest country in history”—proclaimed last year that its top legislative priority would be “making permanent President Bush's 2001 federal tax cuts.” Similarly, a furor erupted last spring when it emerged that a Colorado jury had consulted the Bible before sentencing a killer to death. Experts debated whether the (Christian) jurors should have used an outside authority in their deliberations, and of course the Christian right saw it as one more sign of a secular society devaluing religion. But a more interesting question would have been why the jurors fixated on Leviticus 24, with its call for an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. They had somehow missed Jesus' explicit refutation in the New Testament: “You have heard that it was said, ‘an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also.” And on and on. The power of the Christian right rests largely in the fact that they boldly claim religious authority, and by their very boldness convince the rest of us that they must know what they're talking about. They're like the guy who gives you directions with such loud confidence that you drive on even though the road appears to be turning into a faint, rutted track. But their theology is appealing for another reason too: it coincides with what we want to believe. How nice it would be if Jesus had declared that our income was ours to keep, instead of insisting that we had to share. How satisfying it would be if we were supposed to hate our enemies. Religious conservatives will always have a comparatively easy sell.

But straight is the path and narrow is the way. The gospel is too radical for any culture larger than the Amish to ever come close to realizing; in demanding a departure from selfishness it conflicts with all our current desires. Even the first time around, judging by the reaction, the Gospels were pretty unwelcome news to an awful lot of people. There is not going to be a modern-day return to the church of the early believers, holding all things in common—that's not what I'm talking about. Taking seriously the actual message of Jesus, though, should serve at least to moderate the greed and violence that mark this culture. It's hard to imagine a con much more audacious than making Christ the front man for a program of tax cuts for the rich or war in Iraq. If some modest part of the 85 percent of us who are Christians woke up to that fact, then the world might change.

It is possible, I think. Yes, the mainline Protestant churches that supported civil rights and opposed the war in Vietnam are mostly locked in a dreary decline as their congregations dwindle and their elders argue endlessly about gay clergy and same-sex unions. And the Catholic Church, for most of its American history a sturdy exponent of a “love your neighbor” theology, has been weakened, too, its hierarchy increasingly motivated by a single-issue focus on abortion. Plenty of vital congregations are doing great good works—they're the ones that have nurtured me—but they aren't where the challenge will arise; they've grown shy about talking about Jesus, more comfortable with the language of sociology and politics. More and more it's Bible-quoting Christians, like Wallis's Sojourners movement and that Baptist seminary graduate Bill Moyers, who are carrying the fight.

The best-selling of all Christian books in recent years, Rick Warren's The Purpose-Driven Life, illustrates the possibilities. It has all the hallmarks of self-absorption (in one five-page chapter, I counted sixty-five uses of the word “you”), but it also makes a powerful case that we're made for mission. What that mission is never becomes clear, but the thirst for it is real. And there's no great need for Warren to state that purpose anyhow. For Christians, the plainspoken message of the Gospels is clear enough. If you have any doubts, read the Sermon on the Mount. Admittedly, this is hope against hope; more likely the money changers and power brokers will remain ascendant in our “spiritual” life. Since the days of Constantine, emperors and rich men have sought to co-opt the teachings of Jesus. As in so many areas of our increasingly market-tested lives, the co-opters—the TV men, the politicians, the Christian “interest groups”—have found a way to make each of us complicit in that travesty, too. They have invited us to subvert the church of Jesus even as we celebrate it. With their help we have made golden calves of ourselves—become a nation of terrified, self-obsessed idols. It works, and it may well keep working for a long time to come. When Americans hunger for selfless love and are fed only love of self, they will remain hungry, and too often hungry people just come back for more of the same.