I think this happens to all of us, but today my brain through a series of unconnected thoughts went from a Threads post asking what the reader's favorite A24 movie is to a memory that took place last year that hurts my heart every time I think about it. But then I realized that the first thought and the last thought actually were connected.
My favorite A24 movie is of course After Yang. It's my second favorite movie of all time. I haven't really talked about it on my blog but if you're a Facebook friend of mine, you're probably tired of hearing about it. Have you seen it though? No? Well I'm gonna keep bugging you to watch it.
Anyway, I knew that I had a picture of the poster for After Yang on my phone so I started scrolling to find it. As I scrolled, I saw a poster for a Netflix show that I started watching but never finished. But I used to listen to the soundtrack all the time, because the composer of the Netflix show Beyond Goodbye is the composer of the After Yang soundtrack. Her name is Aska Matsumiya, and she's fantastic. I love finding new composers and have discovered several again this year.
I stopped listening to the soundtrack because it made me too sad. It's not because of the show itself, although it is a sad show about a woman who marries a man who dies tragically and meets someone else who reminds her of him.
It's because of a memory tied to the first song on the soundtrack.
I'm a dreamer. I'm someone who closes his eyes and can imagine an entire movie plot. I actually spend hours doing this. At first I was kind of embarrassed about it because it felt like something you should give up as a kid. Daydreaming, pretending to be someone you aren't. But now I don't care. I do it all the time.
(There are studies that show that engaging your brain in this way is a good way to keep dementia and Alzheimer's away for longer than you might develop them if you don't.)
Sometimes when I'm experiencing something, a song from a soundtrack comes to my mind, and from that point on I connect the two always.
That's the case with this first song. I feed a lot of stray cats in the town I work in. A lot of stray cats. And lately I've been getting in trouble with the city over it. The city manager believes that no one should feed the stray cats and so he's sending out the police force to prevent us from doing so.
It's not working. Yeah, I had to go to court over it because of what I have realized was a "sting operation" to catch me in the act of feeding the cats. Funny, huh? But there are three or four of us that still feed the cats.
It's very rewarding. And extremely heartbreaking. You'll develop a bond with one of the cats and then they disappear and you have no idea what happened to them.
Enter Georgie. Georgie was a little kitten when I met him. Immediately I fell in love with him. Most feral cats are very shy and won't let people hold them or pet them. Not Georgie. He would run up to me and want to be picked up and he would give these silent meows that were just adorable. He was my buddy. Loved that boy to death. The first song - it's called "The First Time" - is a playful, joyful, sweet romp of music. Just like Georgie. A sweet boy, full of joy, full of life.
And then one day I found him dead in the road. He had been run over sometime from when I saw him the day before to when I discovered him that morning. And I broke down. And I cried. And I took off my hoodie and picked up his lifeless body and placed him in it and laid him down under a tree and then came back after work knowing that a father/daughter duo who also fed the cats would be there and he always has a shovel in his van and we buried Georgie.
And that first song of the soundtrack - well I just can't listen to it. In fact, I haven't listened to it in ten months. Until today. Because today felt the right time to listen again. And it hurt. And it healed.
I still see Georgie's sister (although she may be his brother, I don't know). And I see Georgie's mom. I pick up Georgie's sister (I never named her, I stopped naming the cats because it makes it hurt more when they are gone) and give her kisses and she isn't exactly like Georgie affection wise but she knows I'm her person. So does Morpheus. And Mama. And Sweetie. And Sable, oh sweet Sable who keeps having babies that don't last long (although we finally got her fixed).
After Yang is about many things. Memories, family, what it means to be human, etc. But it also introduced me to the Japanese concept of "mono no aware". There are many definitions for this concept, but basically it's this: the sadness at and the acceptance of the impermanence of life.
As a culture (although I would argue that America has so many splits in culture and politics, that we don't really have a shared culture anymore), we don't like thinking about death. About things fading away. Cats disappearing. But here's the thing: when we face the truth that nothing lasts forever, that even things we love the most aren't going to be around much longer, what it should do for us is make this life; those things; that cat...even more precious. And if we have a proper view on what we love, on what brings us joy - then we should never take them for granted.
There's an incredible book I listen to at least once a year called This Life by Martin Haggland. His whole premise is that if there is an eternity, if things last forever, then they are meaningless. It's the fragility of the things we love that create in us the ability to cherish them even more.
And when we live life in a "mono no aware" mindset, we will treat this exact moment with the people in our lives we love, the things that give us joy, as if it may be the last time we see them, experience them, love them.
And sometimes it is the last time we experience them.
So I pick up Georgie's sister everyday and give her a couple of kisses as I take her to where I feed all the cats. I attempt to act every second of every day as if it may be the last. And I fail. A lot. But I'm trying.
Most everyone knows the following Mary Oliver quote:
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
But. As one person wisely observed:
Just a reminder that Mary Oliver's own answer to her question was to stroll idly through the fields noticing things. The question out of context could appear to be about achieving more.
It's not.
Notice.
Observe.
Treat everything as if it may be the last time you experience them.
Because it may very well be.
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