It's been an interesting time for me as of late.
For those of you who know me, you know that I have been in ministry for over twenty years. For reasons I probably won't share at this point in the blog - some in my control and some out of my control - I have stepped out of ministry and am looking for another career.
It has been tough trying to translate "church world" into "real world" in such a way that I am employable. I have had a few chances, but haven't actually been the final candidate to get the position.
It's put me in a weird place.
I feel like I'm starting all over again. Like I just stepped out of college, unsure of the direction of my life, uncertain of what I really want to do. Of course, the first time this happened to me, I felt "called" to ministry.
Now I just feel kind of lost.
Not just in the business world. I feel lost in my personal world as well. When you are a minister at a church, essentially your whole world revolves around the church. Your friends and acquaintances go to the same church as you work at, your activities are at church, and as a worship minister, I found myself at the church a lot, doing things well past the 40 hour per work week.
And now it's different.
My friends and acquaintances have moved on. People who I had always thought would stay in touch haven't at all. We have no activities at the church because we don't go there anymore. And my extra-curricular adventures do not involve building props for an upcoming message series, or fine-tuning the video system.
I've been feeling adrift for a couple of months now. Trying to find a new normal. You see, usually when you leave one ministry, you head to another and you make connections and you find a new "tribe." That's not happening this time.
Today was good, though. We have new neighbors who moved in a couple of weeks ago. I know a few of our neighbors, but we aren't really close with any of them except for a sweet elderly couple. I also had a hard time really talking with our neighbors in the past, because I always knew the "what do you do" question would get asked, and usually after I answer there is an awkward silence, followed by a "oh! That's good." And then we would see them outside, smile and wave awkwardly, knowing that my profession scared them off. Ha.
Today, I was talking with our neighbor, the husband, and he was asking me about the cicada fun that will happen in a month or so, and he asked me what I do for fun around here, and I was like, "You know what? Honestly, I don't know now." And I told him how I used to be a minister, and he told me that they were Catholic but hadn't gone to church in a long time, and then he invited us to come over to their house next weekend for dinner.
And you know what? I had a really good feeling after he went back to his house.
One reason is that I didn't feel any pressure about my job (I don't have one, and the one I had is no longer), another is that I didn't have the pressure of inviting them to church or anything, because that's not what I do anymore.
But the last one is the best. I felt like I'm moving on. There are a few people who I still keep in contact with, who I still will. There are others who have confounded me with their absence, but I'm learning that it's ok to be disappointed when I feel rejected. Life moves on in their world just as it moves on in mine, and if they don't want me to be part of their world, it's ok. There's a freedom in not having the pressure of being a minister or not having to do certain things in a certain way or not having to tie every conversation with an "unchurched" person into a trick to get them to come to church.
It's almost like deprogramming from a cult. Even when I was telling my neighbor about how I'm not really sure what I do anymore because I don't have ministry as my job, I felt like I was telling him that I escaped David Koresh or something. Being able to be true to oneself, to do the things I want to do without the guilt trip laid on me when I don't do things others want me to do, has been definitely freeing.
It's a lonely adventure so far, but I know that I will gain a new tribe, figure out a new way to keep hope up without the constricting presence of church, and next year at this time I will be so happy and fulfilled that I won't even look back. Here's to the second half of my life. It's definitely not as planned out or predictable as the first one, at least as far as career and life journey, but I'm looking forward to the ride.
