Sunday, December 15, 2024

Christmas Time Is Here

Christmas time is here

Happiness and cheer

Fun for all that children call

Their favorite time of year


I've been thinking a lot about Christmas right now. It's funny that I've chosen careers in my lifetime where this season is incredibly busy and demanding of my time and attention. Being a mail carrier is really tough this time of year. You have way more packages, and the post office is always trying to find ways to screw us over, so this year just like last year, we aren't allowed to come in early to deliver packages. We have to take everything on our route, so we come back super late in the dark.

My position has changed though since September, and my job has become easier and better. Before, I was a city carrier that did just one route every day. But then a T6 position opened up and I was the winning bidder on it. As a T6, I get paid more and I take five different routes off days. I love the variety of having five different routes. And most of them are pretty easy. I used to have ten to twelve miles of walking a day; now I have maybe a couple of miles. Which means I have to find other ways of not being fat haha.

Of course the first career that I had was ministry, and the last several years was worship ministry, so Christmas was a big deal. Now, when I assess myself as a minister back in the day, I think I was a much better youth minister than worship minister. And honestly, I think I liked youth ministry better, mostly because I didn't have to really interact with the senior minister that much. It seems like most of my problems being on a church staff has been with the relationship with the senior minister. I'm sure some of it is my fault, but I've also worked for some senior ministers who had some serious control issues.

Anyway, as I said I thought I was better as a youth minister. But where I think I excelled in worship ministry was Christmas. I never wanted to just do Christmas songs the way they've always been done; I wanted to find new versions, new songs, and I'm not tooting my own horn here because this comes from people at the churches I worked at, but I really tried to make Christmas special from a worship ministry standpoint.

Not everyone appreciated that though. I remember one Christmas I did some very different things at the Christmas eve service. I did not do anything traditional, I did some very interesting versions of Christmas songs. We got some really good feedback from that year. However, the senior minister I worked for did not like it. I think he may have appreciated it, but the conversation went kind of like this:

Him: why didn't you do a more traditional Christmas eve service? People really like the traditional stuff at that time.

Me: not according to the comments we got from people. One person said that they hadn't been to a Christmas eve service in years but wanted to come back in January because they enjoyed the variations we did on Christmas songs. Another person said that if this is how we did regular church, they would be there every week.

Him: well my parents didn't like it. (his parents went to the church)

Me: your parents are Christians right?

Him: yes...

Me: well the people I'm talking about aren't, or are nominal Christians, so what we did Christmas even might have helped them get closer to god and perhaps we may see them become part of our church.

Him: but my parents didn't like it.

Me: I'm sorry that they didn't, but isn't our Christmas eve service designed to help move those who only come on Christmas and Easter to become members of our church? Your parents are already members and have been Christians for decades. 

Him: I want my parents to be happy about going to the Christmas eve service.

Me: So what you're saying is that really you want me to tailor a Christmas eve service for your parents and their generation who already are in the church, to get away from our mission as a church and to basically say "too bad" to the other people who like the edgy version of Christmas eve.

Him: I guess so.

And that's what I had to do for the next several years at that church. And we never got another positive comment about Christmas eve services in the time I was there. No negative comments, just no positive ones.

The good thing is that I had more leeway on the Sundays of December so I could pour my creative energy into those services.

I know this post is kind of all over the place, but I'm glad that I can appreciate Christmas music again. It took several years after I left ministry and faith in order to do so.

Also - Relient K has the best Christmas album of this millenium.

And - I just discovered another new favorite Christmas song. It's called "Christmas Lights" by the band Yellowcard. Check it out! It's so good.

One of my goals for next year is to get back into playing guitar, grabbing a few friends, and playing some Christmas songs somewhere in December.

Merry  Christmas, everyone.

Saturday, November 16, 2024

It's been six years...

 It's been six years since I've done anything with this blog. Does anyone read blogs anymore? Doubtful I'm sure. Blogs are most likely over as we know it. I don't think people have the attention span anymore to actually read anything, let alone a blog post on a computer. I know that my attention span has changed drastically. I have a hard time reading a real book. I can listen to an audiobook; but actually reading a book, I fall asleep quickly. 

So maybe this is a bad idea, bringing back something that no one will read. But I know I will read it. And I feel like I need a place to vent, a place to ruminate on what is happening in the world, where I can process what is happening in the world and my role in it.

Anyway, though no one will read this, I think I will attempt at restarting this.

Sunday, April 01, 2018

Easter, April Fools Day and Bart Ehrman, part 1

Did you know that Easter has only fallen on April Fools Day something like six times in the modern era, including today? Pretty crazy.

Even though I'm no longer a believer, during this time of the year I think a lot about the Holy Week leading up to Easter. Perhaps part of it is because for many years, the week leading up to Easter was the busiest week for me. (On a side note, one thing that is rather ironic is that my daughter's Spring Break week always fell on the week before Easter, which meant I was so busy that I didn't really get to spend much time with her while she was off, but the last three years since I've been out of ministry, the school district has changed it to the week after Easter. Go figure.)

However, one of the main reasons I'm usually in a pensive mood during this time every year is because of how inconsistent the biblical accounts of the events leading up to the crucifixion, the crucifixion itself, and the resurrection are, and how some of it makes no sense whatsoever.

I don't remember when I started getting wind of the differences in the gospels concerning these events. I was trying to recall my years in bible college and if I was taught these inconsistencies or if they were explained away and since we were being taught, I just assumed that what they were saying was true.

Here is one of the reasons why this gets me these days: if you think about it, the most important event in Christianity is the resurrection, and to a little lesser extent, the death of Jesus. Paul, in 1 Corinthians, talks about this importance, because he even said that if the resurrection didn't happen, "our preaching is useless and so is your faith." So if this is the most important concept, the most important theological construct, the most important event in human history, why is it that none of the gospels actually agree with what actually happened? (a lot of this reasoning is from Bart Ehrman's book Jesus, Interrupted.)

For example, when did the cleansing of the temple happen? In Mark, it happened during the last week of Jesus. In John, it happened at the beginning of his ministry. What about Palm Sunday? Did Jesus ride one animal, or did he ride two as he did in the book of Matthew? (This is attributed to Matthew making sure that Jesus fulfilled every prophecy he could think of and rather than understanding that when it said that the Messiah would ride in on a donkey and a colt that it was poetic language, Matthew took it literally.) What happened during the trial before Pilate? In Mark, Jesus hardly talks. In John, they have a long discourse. In Luke, there is another trial before Herod. What about Judas? Why did he betray Jesus? In Mark, no reason is given. In Matthew, he did it for the money. In Luke, he did it because Satan entered into him. In John, Judas is actually called a devil, which meant he had an evil streak. Also, how did Judas die? In Matthew, it says that he hanged himself. In Acts, it says that he fell headlong and burst open in the middle and that his bowels gushed out.

And what about the actual crucifixion? What did Jesus say on the cross? In Mark, he's practically silent. In John, he's saying all kinds of things. When did the curtain that separated the Holy Place from the Most Holy place tear in half? According to Mark, after Jesus breathes his last, the curtain is torn in half. In Luke it happens while Jesus is still alive and hanging on the cross. And let's not even get started about how in Matthew, zombies came up from the graves when Jesus died.

There have been a lot of theological and mental gymnastics by biblical scholars to reconcile these differences in the death of Jesus. They will say that all of these things happened, it's just that different gospel writers wrote different parts of the story. Or that they were writing to different audiences and emphasized different things. I don't believe any of that is correct, but even if I was to cede that argument, here's the discrepancy about Jesus' death that is so significant and so irreconcilable that to me it destroys any credibility of these stories.

It's about the day when the crucifixion happened.

In Matthew, Mark and Luke, the crucifixion happens the day of Passover. In those gospels, the Last Supper (which is the meal for the preparation for the passover) happens and Jesus and the disciples eat the meal. Jesus is then arrested that night, the trial happens through the night into the morning, and Jesus dies the next day.

In John, the crucifixion happens a day earlier, on the Day of Preparation for the Passover. There is a final meal but there is no Last Supper where Jesus talks about the bread being his body or the wine his blood. Instead he washes his disciples' feet (which is not found in the other gospels).

Let me reiterate this: in Mark, Jesus eats the Passover meal and is crucified the following morning. In John, Jesus does not eat the Passover meal but is crucified on the day before the Passover meal was to be eaten.

This cannot be reconciled. Believe me people have tried. Why is John different? Here's the main theory why. "John" (who was not the author) wrote his gospel twenty-five years later than Mark, and one of his main emphases is that Jesus is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. In order for that theme to align all the way through, he has to change the day and the time of when Jesus is crucified to the day and time when the Passover lambs were being slaughtered all over Israel, to show that Jesus was the ultimate Passover Lamb sacrificed for the sins of the world.

If a gospel writer is willing to change a super important fact, one that is very pivotal to the story of Christ, then what else are they willing to change in order to suit their needs? And how much has been changed throughout history? I know we have some pieces of the Bible that go back a long ways, but not all the way to when it was written. So all of this could have changed from the time it happened to the time it was written down, as well as from the time it was written down to the oldest pieces we have.

Do you see how this undermines the Bible? Do you see how it should be hard to believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God?

And don't even get me started with the resurrection. The pivotal event. Well, don't get me started yet. That's part two. :)

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

My Two Year Journey

This is a post that I've written a thousand times in my mind.

Every time I came up a little bit short when it came to writing it out. There was always the sense of it being the wrong timing, the fear of the impact of what I had to say, the constant worrying of how it was going to affect my relationship with people I respect greatly. There's the possibility of being ostracized. Of people being angry and confused.

There's also the opposite affect. That I've done damage to my relationships in such a large way already that my "announcement" is met with one giant "Meh." Which I'm ok with, believe me. But I think that when we make a huge decision, or announce something in our lives that we think is a big deal, that there is some kind of response.

Let me go ahead and get it out right now. I'm not going to string you along or draw it out. I'm going to tell you what it is, and then I'm going to explain my journey. So here it is.

I no longer believe in God.
I am no longer a Christian.
I do not believe in the supernatural.
I believe that this is the only life we have.

Let me describe for you my journey to this point.

I have been out of ministry for two years now. I'm not going to get into all the details, but let's just say that it was a very tough departure. When I left the church I was at, I was kind of bitter at it all. There is definite blame on both sides, that I will not dispute, but the experience of leaving was one that left a huge mark on my heart. It took me about five months to find another job outside of ministry, but it still affects me and I still ache because of what happened. But let's go back to when I first had these feelings.

I have always felt like a square peg in a round hole. I became a Christian officially some time around third grade, being baptized in a murky pond up at church camp. But I really had no idea what I was doing.

I became more and more involved in church in my junior high and high school days, even excelling in a program called Bible Bowl. This is where I believe my life turned for the worst. You see, I was extremely interested in science. My school friends and I were nerds and we liked science stuff. But when I started doing well in Bible Bowl, I drew myself nearer to my church friends and further from my school friends. With my success came scholarships. I had full ride scholarships to any Christian college I wanted in the country. I chose one in southern California because some of my friends decided to go.

My senior year of high school, my mom died of cancer. I remember praying "I swear to you God, if I figure out that this whole heaven thing is a sham and that my mom will stay buried and dead for the rest of life here on earth, I'm going to give all this up." How prophetic.

So I went off to college. And although I enjoyed my years of college, I once again felt like I never really fit in. What people were concerned about I really wasn't, and what I was concerned about seemed nonexistent on campus.

I graduated - barely because I jumped off a roof into the school pool right before graduation - and went off to an internship in Arizona. Things went decent until (1) a new youth minister came in who felt compelled to undo every good thing we were doing with the students and (2) I got a brain tumor. I had headaches for months before the diagnosis, and the church leadership thought I was faking it because I didn't want to work. After two surgeries, I decided to go back to Colorado. And I became the youth minister at my home church.

Now I'm not going to completely tell the story, so let's just say my ministry years had a lot of highs and a lot of lows. I think I did some great things as a student minister in CO and in TX. I butted heads with elders and leaders over lots of different things. I believe I should never have left my home church. Who knows where I would be today, haha.

When I became a worship minister, I had to work more closely with senior ministers. I had a lot of conflict with several of them. It seemed like a lot of it revolved around new building programs. I felt that when that happened, the church leadership became only concerned about the ABC's: attendance, buildings, and cash.

I started down this long road of not believing in God in 2008. I had moved back to Colorado to help plant a church. I believed that God would provide. I believed that the people who I gave so much to when I was a youth minister in CO would give back. I believed that my sacrificing my family (I went six months without them that year) on the altar of ministry would be worthwhile and everything would work out. Nothing worked out. My family moved back, I was finishing up my last days at the church plant, and I remember going into a Barnes and Noble and looking at some books about the existence of God. These books made sense to me. They described how I felt. They described the uneasiness I felt for years when it came to Christianity and the Bible. However, I tabled those thoughts because I got a new ministry position back in Ohio. We didn't have to leave our house, it was pretty close, and things started out great.

I have two brothers. One lives in Colorado, and one lived in New York. The one in New York, Aaron, was having some health problems due to some bad choices he made in his life and so we invited him to live with us. Eventually we found him a place to live on his own. For a couple of years we watched him fight with his demons.

I remember the Tuesday when we went over to his apartment. We hadn't heard from him in a couple of days and he had left a strange Facebook message. I went into his house, and tried to open the bathroom door. As I opened it up a little bit, my brother's body was blocking the door. He was gone forever.

My world was blown apart. The church response was uneven. There were some who were genuinely concerned for us. Other friends seemed to disappear, uncertain of what they should do. I took one Sunday off and then was pressured to get up on stage again the next Sunday. I had nothing to say. All the words to the songs didn't mean anything anymore. One of my favorite songs we used to do, "How He Loves," was a song I sang in a rage at that point. Because I didn't believe any of what I was singing. I had a woman tell me right before I went up on stage "So sorry to hear about your brother, because I mean, we don't even know where he is now, since...you know." That day I told my friend that he might have to come and sing for me because I was tempted to leave. Somehow I pulled myself together and made it through.

The year after that was a mess. When I got up on stage, I couldn't determine where the line was between showing your scars and bleeding all over the stage. I stopped giving any kind of prayer or thought and just played through. When I left to find other opportunities, my life was shattered.

That was two years ago. In the span of two years, I have done a lot of research, thinking, and wrestling. This decision is not an easy one or a flippant one. There are many reasons why I no longer believe what I used to, but let me quickly give you some of them:

1. My own story. See above.

2. Church history. Christians have been on the wrong side of history many times through history. You think it would be easy to follow the words of their leader. Apparently it isn't.

3. The Bible. If you want to stay a Christian, don't read about the Bible. How it has been changed throughout the years. Why certain books got in. How a small percentage of the books were authored by those who are claimed to author them. The discrepancies. The errors. Why is it that the four accounts of the resurrection story in the gospels are all different? You would think that the most singular important event in Christendom - the rising of the savior - would be something that would be consistent. It isn't. And once you start pulling off the springs of the Bible on your trampoline of faith, pretty soon you have nothing to jump on.

4. Church issues. This is a big one. Why does the church make such a big issue of the supposed sin of homosexuality and so little of sins that were talked about way more in the bible? Why is it ok for a man to have long hair but a woman to not be able to speak or teach men? Why are there seventeen different beliefs about baptism: who is supposed to be baptized, when are they supposed to be baptized, what does it do, is it completely necessary for salvation, do you have to be baptized once or twice? Is baptism by immersion or sprinkling? You would think it would be easy to follow an infallible book and all be on the same page.

5. This past year. I knew that Christianity was no longer my tribe when I saw how many Christians blindly support a president who is the antithesis of everything Christ taught and lived. How many Christians voted in Alabama for a pedophile over a Democrat. How many Christians now say that a president's private life can be separate from his public life. The hypocrisy is overwhelming and I want nothing to do with that.

I could go on and on about my reasons, but I'll stop there. (I'm thinking about writing a book about it honestly)

Now all of this might make you sad, but I hope you understand how happy I am. I am starting to fly. I have a group of fellow humanists that I have dinner with regularly who are some of the most genuine, loving people I have ever met. We are a group of different races and genders and sexual preferences and backgrounds and we genuinely care about each other and want to make a difference in the world. Not because some book demands it. Not because we are afraid of being punished if we don't or because we look forward to rewards if we do. No, we want to make a difference because that's what good people do.

There are a lot of opportunities that I'm grateful for in my life which I will share at a later time. Let me close with a quote from an author who I admire, Robert Ingersoll:

When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell. The dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts and bars and manacles became dust.

I agree, Robert. I agree.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Science In America

Neil deGrasse Tyson is a hero of mine. He's smart, he's articulate, and he's a champion for science. He seems to be a nice guy, but like one of my other heroes, Bill Nye, don't get in the way of science. Tyson will browbeat you with reason.

This video that he recently put out is a reminder to us all that science is what made this country great, and in the midst of a new wave of anti-intellectualism and a denial of truth even where science is involved, we need this reminder more than ever.

Check it out here:




Monday, April 17, 2017

Movie Review: The Discovery

I thought it would be interesting to do reviews of movies I find fascinating. If you know me, you know that I really like independent movies, usually in the sci-fi genre. Some of my favorite movies are low-budget movies that don't get a lot of press, don't get a lot of audience, but are way better (in my opinion) than most of the big-budget blockbusters that come out throughout the year.

Here are some examples of some of my favorite movies in this vein:




(These all star the fabulous and underrated Brit Marling, who also wrote a couple of these movies.)

Also:



I could add more to this list, but since most of you probably have never heard of any of these, I'll just stop haha.

Anyway here is the movie I watched tonight. I wouldn't put it up with the five movies above, but it was very good. It's called The Discovery.


As you can see, it starts Jason Segel, Rooney Mara and Robert Redford. The premise of the movie is probably more interesting than the execution, but after it was done I just sat there, with a few tears in my eyes, reflecting on what I saw.

Here is the basic plot: A neuroscientist (Robert Redford) in the near future has proven to the world that there is actually a life after death. This has some disturbing consequences, one of the biggest being that millions of people across the globe commit suicide due to the now proven promise of a life beyond the grave. Because of this, the neuroscientist has withdrawn from the public life and has devoted himself to helping people get over thoughts of killing themselves. He shelters them and tries to give them meaning in this life. One of his sons (Jason Segel) has distanced himself from his father due to their mother's tragic death but decides to come visit him and his brother. On the ferry ride, he meets a young woman (Rooney Mara) and strikes up a conversation. We find out soon what her reasoning is for being on the ferry boat.

The movie centers around two things. First is Robert Redford's "discovery": he has figured out how to record the afterlife through a machine. Simply attach the device to someone, flatline them, and the video records what happens as they die. Simply bring them back to life, and no harm no foul. However, it doesn't seem to work the way Redford believes it does....

The second thing is the relationship between Will (Segel) and Isla (Mara). They strike up a romance and also throughout the movie "discover" that perhaps they know each other beyond the chance encounter on the ferry.

To say anymore about the plot would give away some massive spoilers. However, I found the premise fascinating and I thought there was great acting, clever dialogue and many extremely moving scenes where I stopped the movie to reflect on what I just witnessed.

This movie actually does remind me of two of the above movies: Another Earth, and i Origins. The former deals with second chances and living with regret; the latter deals with evolution and the question of reincarnation or some kind of afterlife.

The Discovery certainly brought up many questions in my head that I can't really come to terms with; these questions are questions that people throughout several millenia have wrestled with. Questions like:

1. Is there really an afterlife?

2. What does that afterlife look like?

3. If one knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was life beyond the grave, would it inspire them to live better here on earth, or would it make it worse?

4. For those who have a hope in the afterlife, does question #3 apply in equal measure even though there is no proof of life after death?

5. Does part of the afterlife involve some kind of a purgatory or karma-like state in which you get a chance to right the wrongs of your life, or perhaps deal with regrets or wishes?

I'm sure other questions are floating in my head, including the implications of suicide - considering my brother took his life a couple of years ago - but that's enough for now. I love movies that cause me to think and examine myself, and The Discovery does that well. This movie is a Netflix original, so if you have Netflix, you can see it for free. I mean, you probably subscribe monthly so it's not necessarily free, but it is very accessible. Check it out!

Monday, April 03, 2017

Don't Let Me Down

Trying to start up this blog again. It's really hard to find the time when you work about seventy hours a week. But I feel like it's important, especially because I have all day long as I drive a mail truck around to think about stuff and it would be nice to get some of those thoughts out of my head. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I would like to start sharing some of those changes and some of those thoughts.

I don't get to watch very many commercials; we made the decision several years ago to ditch DirectTV and just do Netflix and Amazon Prime. One good thing about it is that you don't have to see all the really dumb commercials, especially the local ones that are so bad, like "Uncle Jimmy's Mattress Land" or "Si's Used Car Lot". But you do miss out on some really good ones.

My new favorite commercial is from State Farm. It features a song that is my daughter's and my jam - "Don't Let Me Down" by the Chainsmokers and Daya. But it isn't the original song, it's a remake by the wonderful and talented Joy Williams. Joy was one half of the musical artist The Civil Wars which was one of my favorites until tragically they broke up after only two albums. Joy had a solo career before The Civil Wars, and she has one now. I love her voice and I love the remakes she has done (go youtube search "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran redone by her. It's amazing).

Anyway, here's the video:


As you can see, it's about a guy who is thinking about volunteering, about doing something, about making a difference, but hasn't pulled the trigger. So all these people and animals in need follow him around during his day. At the end, he finally decides to go ahead and take the next step.

Great video. Great concept. Great song.

Why is it that we struggle with making a difference? Of stepping out of our comfort zone?

Scratch that.

Let me change the pronoun. Because I'm really good at making sweeping generalizations, which isn't fair. You may already be volunteering or helping out at twenty-seven different places. So let me restart.

Why is that I struggle with making a difference? Of stepping out of my comfort zone?

I have all the excuses in the world. I work six days a week and usually five nights a week. I get four hours of sleep a night. My feet hurt from being a mailman. Blah blah blah.

Here's the thing. Everyone can make a difference. In little ways or big ways.

We have sponsored a little girl through World Vision for ten years now. We love Clementine. So why can't I take five minutes out of one of my days and send her a letter saying that we love her and we hope she's doing well?

I have spent a lot of time fighting human trafficking over the years. I've been out of it for a couple. Why can't I take a little bit of time and do something? I know it's still a cause that is meaningful to me.

I love animals. Why can't I take a few hours a month and volunteer at a shelter? Because it makes me sad that these pets haven't been adopted? Won't me being there just a little bit brighten up their day? I mean, I'm already "that mailman that stops and pets dogs and cats," so why can't I do that at a shelter?

It's time to give up the excuses and do something.

It reminds me of that really cheesy song called Thank You by Ray Boltz, where he envisions going to heaven and having people come up to him to tell him how he impacted their lives by doing little things. Maybe there's another line in heaven where all the people and animals we didn't help are waiting to express their disappointment and how we had the chance but didn't impact them at all.

Like I said, I have a lot of time on my hands to think while I'm driving and delivering mail. Ha.

Here's the thing, without getting too much into changes that have been happening in my life (those stories are for another time): because I believe even more strongly now that the one life we have here to live on this earth is even more important, can I let that belief inspire me to make a difference, so that I don't have a group of people and polar bears follow me around in my mind, saying "Don't let me down?"

I hope so.

Sunday, May 01, 2016

A New Normal.

It's been an interesting time for me as of late.

For those of you who know me, you know that I have been in ministry for over twenty years. For reasons I probably won't share at this point in the blog - some in my control and some out of my control - I have stepped out of ministry and am looking for another career.

It has been tough trying to translate "church world" into "real world" in such a way that I am employable. I have had a few chances, but haven't actually been the final candidate to get the position.

It's put me in a weird place.

I feel like I'm starting all over again. Like I just stepped out of college, unsure of the direction of my life, uncertain of what I really want to do. Of course, the first time this happened to me, I felt "called" to ministry.

Now I just feel kind of lost.

Not just in the business world. I feel lost in my personal world as well. When you are a minister at a church, essentially your whole world revolves around the church. Your friends and acquaintances go to the same church as you work at, your activities are at church, and as a worship minister, I found myself at the church a lot, doing things well past the 40 hour per work week.

And now it's different.

My friends and acquaintances have moved on. People who I had always thought would stay in touch haven't at all. We have no activities at the church because we don't go there anymore. And my extra-curricular adventures do not involve building props for an upcoming message series, or fine-tuning the video system.

I've been feeling adrift for a couple of months now. Trying to find a new normal. You see, usually when you leave one ministry, you head to another and you make connections and you find a new "tribe." That's not happening this time.

Today was good, though. We have new neighbors who moved in a couple of weeks ago. I know a few of our neighbors, but we aren't really close with any of them except for a sweet elderly couple. I also had a hard time really talking with our neighbors in the past, because I always knew the "what do you do" question would get asked, and usually after I answer there is an awkward silence, followed by a "oh! That's good." And then we would see them outside, smile and wave awkwardly, knowing that my profession scared them off. Ha.

Today, I was talking with our neighbor, the husband, and he was asking me about the cicada fun that will happen in a month or so, and he asked me what I do for fun around here, and I was like, "You know what? Honestly, I don't know now." And I told him how I used to be a minister, and he told me that they were Catholic but hadn't gone to church in a long time, and then he invited us to come over to their house next weekend for dinner.

And you know what? I had a really good feeling after he went back to his house.

One reason is that I didn't feel any pressure about my job (I don't have one, and the one I had is no longer), another is that I didn't have the pressure of inviting them to church or anything, because that's not what I do anymore.

But the last one is the best. I felt like I'm moving on. There are a few people who I still keep in contact with, who I still will. There are others who have confounded me with their absence, but I'm learning that it's ok to be disappointed when I feel rejected. Life moves on in their world just as it moves on in mine, and if they don't want me to be part of their world, it's ok. There's a freedom in not having the pressure of being a minister or not having to do certain things in a certain way or not having to tie every conversation with an "unchurched" person into a trick to get them to come to church.

It's almost like deprogramming from a cult. Even when I was telling my neighbor about how I'm not really sure what I do anymore because I don't have ministry as my job, I felt like I was telling him that I escaped David Koresh or something. Being able to be true to oneself, to do the things I want to do without the guilt trip laid on me when I don't do things others want me to do, has been definitely freeing.

It's a lonely adventure so far, but I know that I will gain a new tribe, figure out a new way to keep hope up without the constricting presence of church, and next year at this time I will be so happy and fulfilled that I won't even look back. Here's to the second half of my life. It's definitely not as planned out or predictable as the first one, at least as far as career and life journey, but I'm looking forward to the ride.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

The Power Of Music

For anyone who doesn't believe that there is power in music, power in the way it shapes us, gives us emotions, inspires us, and more - here is a look at a nursing home patient who comes alive when his favorite music is played in his headphones.

http://truththeory.com/2016/04/09/man-suffering-from-dementia-reacts-to-hearing-music-from-his-era-his-reaction-will-make-you-cry/

Henry's response is amazing. By the way Oliver Sacks is the neurologist whose story is featured in the movie Awakenings with Robin Williams and Robert DeNiro.

Friday, April 08, 2016

The Christian Paradox: How A Faithful Nation Gets It Wrong

I should honestly post this article that I read back almost a decade ago each and every month to remind myself and others of how America, as a Christian nation, just doesn't get it. I was going to link to the article, but instead I'm going to post it in its entirety. Bill McKibben is a hero of mine, someone who works tirelessly to save the planet from environmental disaster. I hope it opens your eyes up as much as it did mine the first time I read it, and every I've read it after. (This isn't all of the article; unfortunately it's just an excerpt.)

The Christian paradox:
How a faithful nation gets Jesus wrong
By Bill McKibben - Harper's Magazine, August, 2005

What it means to be Christian in America.

Only 40 percent of Americans can name more than four of the Ten Commandments, and a scant half can cite any of the four authors of the Gospels. Twelve percent believe Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. This failure to recall the specifics of our Christian heritage may be further evidence of our nation's educational decline, but it probably doesn't matter all that much in spiritual or political terms. Here is a statistic that does matter: Three quarters of Americans believe the Bible teaches that “God helps those who help themselves.” That is, three out of four Americans believe that this uber-American idea, a notion at the core of our current individualist politics and culture, which was in fact uttered by Ben Franklin, actually appears in Holy Scripture. The thing is, not only is Franklin's wisdom not biblical; it's counter-biblical. Few ideas could be further from the gospel message, with its radical summons to love of neighbor. On this essential matter, most Americans—most American Christians—are simply wrong, as if 75 percent of American scientists believed that Newton proved gravity causes apples to fly up. Asking Christians what Christ taught isn't a trick. When we say we are a Christian nation—and, overwhelmingly, we do—it means something. People who go to church absorb lessons there and make real decisions based on those lessons; increasingly, these lessons inform their politics. (One poll found that 11 percent of U.S. churchgoers were urged by their clergy to vote in a particular way in the 2004 election, up from 6 percent in 2000.) When George Bush says that Jesus Christ is his favorite philosopher, he may or may not be sincere, but he is reflecting the sincere beliefs of the vast majority of Americans.

And therein is the paradox. America is simultaneously the most professedly Christian of the developed nations and the least Christian in its behavior. That paradox—more important, perhaps, than the much touted ability of French women to stay thin on a diet of chocolate and cheese—illuminates the hollow at the core of our boastful, careening culture. Ours is among the most spiritually homogenous rich nations on earth. Depending on which poll you look at and how the question is asked, somewhere around 85 percent of us call ourselves Christian. Israel, by way of comparison, is 77 percent Jewish. It is true that a smaller number of Americans—about 75 percent—claim they actually pray to God on a daily basis, and only 33 percent say they manage to get to church every week. Still, even if that 85 percent overstates actual practice, it clearly represents aspiration. In fact, there is nothing else that unites more than four fifths of America. Every other statistic one can cite about American behavior is essentially also a measure of the behavior of professed Christians. That's what America is: a place saturated in Christian identity.

But is it Christian? This is not a matter of angels dancing on the heads of pins. Christ was pretty specific about what he had in mind for his followers. What if we chose some simple criterion—say, giving aid to the poorest people—as a reasonable proxy for Christian behavior? After all, in the days before his crucifixion, when Jesus summed up his message for his disciples, he said the way you could tell the righteous from the damned was by whether they'd fed the hungry, slaked the thirsty, clothed the naked, welcomed the stranger, and visited the prisoner. What would we find then?

In 2004, as a share of our economy, we ranked second to last, after Italy, among developed countries in government foreign aid. Per capita we each provide fifteen cents a day in official development assistance to poor countries. And it's not because we were giving to private charities for relief work instead. Such funding increases our average daily donation by just six pennies, to twenty-one cents. It's also not because Americans were too busy taking care of their own; nearly 18 percent of American children lived in poverty (compared with, say, 8 percent in Sweden). In fact, by pretty much any measure of caring for the least among us you want to propose—childhood nutrition, infant mortality, access to preschool—we come in nearly last among the rich nations, and often by a wide margin. The point is not just that (as everyone already knows) the American nation trails badly in all these categories; it's that the overwhelmingly Christian American nation trails badly in all these categories, categories to which Jesus paid particular attention. And it's not as if the numbers are getting better: the U.S. Department of Agriculture reported last year that the number of households that were “food insecure with hunger” had climbed more than 26 percent between 1999 and 2003. This Christian nation also tends to make personal, as opposed to political, choices that the Bible would seem to frown upon. Despite the Sixth Commandment, we are, of course, the most violent rich nation on earth, with a murder rate four or five times that of our European peers. We have prison populations greater by a factor of six or seven than other rich nations (which at least should give us plenty of opportunity for visiting the prisoners). Having been told to turn the other cheek, we're the only Western democracy left that executes its citizens, mostly in those states where Christianity is theoretically strongest. Despite Jesus' strong declarations against divorce, our marriages break up at a rate—just over half—that compares poorly with the European Union's average of about four in ten. That average may be held down by the fact that Europeans marry less frequently, and by countries, like Italy, where divorce is difficult; still, compare our success with, say, that of the godless Dutch, whose divorce rate is just over 37 percent. Teenage pregnancy? We're at the top of the charts. Personal self-discipline—like, say, keeping your weight under control? Buying on credit? Running government deficits? Do you need to ask?

Are Americans hypocrites? Of course they are. But most people (me, for instance) are hypocrites. The more troubling explanation for this disconnect between belief and action, I think, is that most Americans—which means most believers—have replaced the Christianity of the Bible, with its call for deep sharing and personal sacrifice, with a competing creed. In fact, there may be several competing creeds. For many Christians, deciphering a few passages of the Bible to figure out the schedule for the End Times has become a central task. You can log on to RaptureReady.com for a taste of how some of these believers view the world—at this writing the Rapture Index had declined three points to 152 because, despite an increase in the number of U.S. pagans, “Wal-Mart is falling behind in its plan to bar code all products with radio tags.” Other End-Timers are more interested in forcing the issue—they're convinced that the way to coax the Lord back to earth is to “Christianize” our nation and then the world. Consider House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. At church one day he listened as the pastor, urging his flock to support the administration, declared that “the war between America and Iraq is the gateway to the Apocalypse.” DeLay rose to speak, not only to the congregation but to 225 Christian TV and radio stations. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “what has been spoken here tonight is the truth of God.”

The apocalyptics may not be wrong. One could make a perfectly serious argument that the policies of Tom DeLay are in fact hastening the End Times. But there's nothing particularly Christian about this hastening. The creed of Tom DeLay—of Tim LaHaye and his Left Behind books, of Pat Robertson's “The Antichrist is probably a Jew alive in Israel today”—ripened out of the impossibly poetic imagery of the Book of Revelation. Imagine trying to build a theory of the Constitution by obsessively reading and rereading the Twenty-fifth Amendment, and you'll get an idea of what an odd approach this is. You might be able to spin elaborate fantasies about presidential succession, but you'd have a hard time working backwards to “We the People.” This is the contemporary version of Archbishop Ussher's seventeenth-century calculation that the world had been created on October 23, 4004 B.C., and that the ark touched down on Mount Ararat on May 5, 2348 B.C., a Wednesday. Interesting, but a distant distraction from the gospel message.

The apocalyptics, however, are the lesser problem. It is another competing (though sometimes overlapping) creed, this one straight from the sprawling megachurches of the new exurbs, that frightens me most. Its deviation is less obvious precisely because it looks so much like the rest of the culture. In fact, most of what gets preached in these palaces isn't loony at all. It is disturbingly conventional. The pastors focus relentlessly on you and your individual needs. Their goal is to service consumers—not communities but individuals: “seekers” is the term of art, people who feel the need for some spirituality in their (or their children's) lives but who aren't tightly bound to any particular denomination or school of thought. The result is often a kind of soft-focus, comfortable, suburban faith.

A New York Times reporter visiting one booming megachurch outside Phoenix recently found the typical scene: a drive-through latte stand, Krispy Kreme doughnuts at every service, and sermons about “how to discipline your children, how to reach your professional goals, how to invest your money, how to reduce your debt.” On Sundays children played with church-distributed Xboxes, and many congregants had signed up for a twice-weekly aerobics class called Firm Believers. A list of bestsellers compiled monthly by the Christian Booksellers Association illuminates the creed. It includes texts like Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen—pastor of a church so mega it recently leased a 16,000-seat sports arena in Houston for its services—which even the normally tolerant Publishers Weekly dismissed as “a treatise on how to get God to serve the demands of self-centered individuals.” Nearly as high is Beth Moore, with her Believing God—“Beth asks the tough questions concerning the fruit of our Christian lives,” such as “are we living as fully as we can?” Other titles include Humor for a Woman's Heart, a collection of “humorous writings” designed to “lift a life above the stresses and strains of the day”; The Five Love Languages, in which Dr. Gary Chapman helps you figure out if you're speaking in the same emotional dialect as your significant other; and Karol Ladd's The Power of a Positive Woman. Ladd is the co-founder of USA Sonshine Girls—the “Son” in Sonshine, of course, is the son of God—and she is unremittingly upbeat in presenting her five-part plan for creating a life with “more calm, less stress.”

Not that any of this is so bad in itself. We do have stressful lives, humor does help, and you should pay attention to your own needs. Comfortable suburbanites watch their parents die, their kids implode. Clearly I need help with being positive. And I have no doubt that such texts have turned people into better parents, better spouses, better bosses. It's just that these authors, in presenting their perfectly sensible advice, somehow manage to ignore Jesus' radical and demanding focus on others. It may, in fact, be true that “God helps those who help themselves,” both financially and emotionally. (Certainly fortune does.) But if so it's still a subsidiary, secondary truth, more Franklinity than Christianity. You could eliminate the scriptural references in most of these bestsellers and they would still make or not make the same amount of sense. Chicken Soup for the Zoroastrian Soul. It is a perfect mirror of the secular bestseller lists, indeed of the secular culture, with its American fixation on self-improvement, on self-esteem. On self. These similarities make it difficult (although not impossible) for the televangelists to posit themselves as embattled figures in a “culture war”— they offer too uncanny a reflection of the dominant culture, a culture of unrelenting self-obsession.

Who am I to criticize someone else's religion? After all, if there is anything Americans agree on, it's that we should tolerate everyone else's religious expression. As aNewsweek writer put it some years ago at the end of his cover story on apocalyptic visions and the Book of Revelation, “Who's to say that John's mythic battle between Christ and Antichrist is not a valid insight into what the history of humankind is all about?” (Not Newsweek, that's for sure; their religious covers are guaranteed big sellers.) To that I can only answer that I'm a . . . Christian. Not a professional one; I'm an environmental writer mostly. I've never progressed further in the church hierarchy than Sunday school teacher at my backwoods Methodist church. But I've spent most of my Sunday mornings in a pew. I grew up in church youth groups and stayed active most of my adult life—started homeless shelters in church basements, served soup at the church food pantry, climbed to the top of the rickety ladder to put the star on the church Christmas tree. My work has been, at times, influenced by all that—I've written extensively about the Book of Job, which is to me the first great piece of nature writing in the Western tradition, and about the overlaps between Christianity and environmentalism. In fact, I imagine I'm one of a fairly small number of writers who have had cover stories in both the Christian Century, the magazine of liberal mainline Protestantism, and Christianity Today, which Billy Graham founded, not to mention articles in Sojourners, the magazine of the progressive evangelical community co-founded by Jim Wallis.

Indeed, it was my work with religious environmentalists that first got me thinking along the lines of this essay. We were trying to get politicians to understand why the Bible actually mandated protecting the world around us (Noah: the first Green), work that I think is true and vital. But one day it occurred to me that the parts of the world where people actually had cut dramatically back on their carbon emissions, actually did live voluntarily in smaller homes and take public transit, were the same countries where people were giving aid to the poor and making sure everyone had health care—countries like Norway and Sweden, where religion was relatively unimportant. How could that be? For Christians there should be something at least a little scary in the notion that, absent the magical answers of religion, people might just get around to solving their problems and strengthening their communities in more straightforward ways. But for me, in any event, the European success is less interesting than the American failure. Because we're not going to be like them. Maybe we'd be better off if we abandoned religion for secular rationality, but we're not going to; for the foreseeable future this will be a “Christian” nation. The question is, what kind of Christian nation? The tendencies I've been describing—toward an apocalyptic End Times faith, toward a comfort-the-comfortable, personal-empowerment faith—veil the actual, and remarkable, message of the Gospels.

When one of the Pharisees asked Jesus what the core of the law was, Jesus replied: You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Love your neighbor as yourself: although its rhetorical power has been dimmed by repetition, that is a radical notion, perhaps the most radical notion possible. Especially since Jesus, in all his teachings, made it very clear who the neighbor you were supposed to love was: the poor person, the sick person, the naked person, the hungry person. The last shall be made first; turn the other cheek; a rich person aiming for heaven is like a camel trying to walk through the eye of a needle. On and on and on—a call for nothing less than a radical, voluntary, and effective reordering of power relationships, based on the principle of love.

I confess, even as I write these words, to a feeling close to embarrassment. Because in public we tend not to talk about such things—my theory of what Jesus mostly meant seems like it should be left in church, or confined to some religious publication. But remember the overwhelming connection between America and Christianity; what Jesus meant is the most deeply potent political, cultural, social question. To ignore it, or leave it to the bullies and the salesmen of the televangelist sects, means to walk away from a central battle over American identity. At the moment, the idea of Jesus has been hijacked by people with a series of causes that do not reflect his teachings. The Bible is a long book, and even the Gospels have plenty in them, some of it seemingly contradictory and hard to puzzle out. But love your neighbor as yourself—not do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but love your neighbor as yourself—will suffice as a gloss. There is no disputing the centrality of this message, nor is there any disputing how easy it is to ignore that message. Because it is so counterintuitive, Christians have had to keep repeating it to themselves right from the start. Consider Paul, for instance, instructing the church at Galatea: “For the whole law is summed up in a single commandment,” he wrote. “‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”

American churches, by and large, have done a pretty good job of loving the neighbor in the next pew. A pastor can spend all Sunday talking about the Rapture Index, but if his congregation is thriving you can be assured he's spending the other six days visiting people in the hospital, counseling couples, and sitting up with grieving widows. All this human connection is important. But if the theology makes it harder to love the neighbor a little farther away—particularly the poor and the weak—then it's a problem. And the dominant theologies of the moment do just that. They undercut Jesus, muffle his hard words, deaden his call, and in the end silence him. In fact, the soft-focus consumer gospel of the suburban megachurches is a perfect match for emergent conservative economic notions about personal responsibility instead of collective action. Privatize Social Security? Keep health care for people who can afford it? File those under “God helps those who help themselves.”

Take Alabama as an example. In 2002, Bob Riley was elected governor of the state, where 90 percent of residents identify themselves as Christians. Riley could safely be called a conservative—right-wing majordomo Grover Norquist gave him a Friend of the Taxpayer Award every year he was in Congress, where he'd never voted for a tax increase. But when he took over Alabama, he found himself administering a tax code that dated to 1901. The richest Alabamians paid 3 percent of their income in taxes, and the poorest paid up to 12 percent; income taxes kicked in if a family of four made $4,600 (even in Mississippi the threshold was $19,000), while out-of-state timber companies paid $1.25 an acre in property taxes. Alabama was forty-eighth in total state and local taxes, and the largest proportion of that income came from sales tax—a super-regressive tax that in some counties reached into double digits. So Riley proposed a tax hike, partly to dig the state out of a fiscal crisis and partly to put more money into the state's school system, routinely ranked near the worst in the nation. He argued that it was Christian duty to look after the poor more carefully.

Had the new law passed, the owner of a $250,000 home in Montgomery would have paid $1,432 in property taxes—we're not talking Sweden here. But it didn't pass. It was crushed by a factor of two to one. Sixty-eight percent of the state voted against it—meaning, of course, something like 68 percent of the Christians who voted. The opposition was led, in fact, not just by the state's wealthiest interests but also by the Christian Coalition of Alabama. “You'll find most Alabamians have got a charitable heart,” said John Giles, the group's president. “They just don't want it coming out of their pockets.” On its website, the group argued that taxing the rich at a higher rate than the poor “results in punishing success” and that “when an individual works for their income, that money belongs to the individual.” You might as well just cite chapter and verse from Poor Richard's Almanack. And whatever the ideology, the results are clear. “I'm tired of Alabama being first in things that are bad,” said Governor Riley, “and last in things that are good.”

A rich man came to Jesus one day and asked what he should do to get into heaven. Jesus did not say he should invest, spend, and let the benefits trickle down; he said sell what you have, give the money to the poor, and follow me. Few plainer words have been spoken. And yet, for some reason, the Christian Coalition of America—founded in 1989 in order to “preserve, protect and defend the Judeo-Christian values that made this the greatest country in history”—proclaimed last year that its top legislative priority would be “making permanent President Bush's 2001 federal tax cuts.” Similarly, a furor erupted last spring when it emerged that a Colorado jury had consulted the Bible before sentencing a killer to death. Experts debated whether the (Christian) jurors should have used an outside authority in their deliberations, and of course the Christian right saw it as one more sign of a secular society devaluing religion. But a more interesting question would have been why the jurors fixated on Leviticus 24, with its call for an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. They had somehow missed Jesus' explicit refutation in the New Testament: “You have heard that it was said, ‘an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also.” And on and on. The power of the Christian right rests largely in the fact that they boldly claim religious authority, and by their very boldness convince the rest of us that they must know what they're talking about. They're like the guy who gives you directions with such loud confidence that you drive on even though the road appears to be turning into a faint, rutted track. But their theology is appealing for another reason too: it coincides with what we want to believe. How nice it would be if Jesus had declared that our income was ours to keep, instead of insisting that we had to share. How satisfying it would be if we were supposed to hate our enemies. Religious conservatives will always have a comparatively easy sell.

But straight is the path and narrow is the way. The gospel is too radical for any culture larger than the Amish to ever come close to realizing; in demanding a departure from selfishness it conflicts with all our current desires. Even the first time around, judging by the reaction, the Gospels were pretty unwelcome news to an awful lot of people. There is not going to be a modern-day return to the church of the early believers, holding all things in common—that's not what I'm talking about. Taking seriously the actual message of Jesus, though, should serve at least to moderate the greed and violence that mark this culture. It's hard to imagine a con much more audacious than making Christ the front man for a program of tax cuts for the rich or war in Iraq. If some modest part of the 85 percent of us who are Christians woke up to that fact, then the world might change.

It is possible, I think. Yes, the mainline Protestant churches that supported civil rights and opposed the war in Vietnam are mostly locked in a dreary decline as their congregations dwindle and their elders argue endlessly about gay clergy and same-sex unions. And the Catholic Church, for most of its American history a sturdy exponent of a “love your neighbor” theology, has been weakened, too, its hierarchy increasingly motivated by a single-issue focus on abortion. Plenty of vital congregations are doing great good works—they're the ones that have nurtured me—but they aren't where the challenge will arise; they've grown shy about talking about Jesus, more comfortable with the language of sociology and politics. More and more it's Bible-quoting Christians, like Wallis's Sojourners movement and that Baptist seminary graduate Bill Moyers, who are carrying the fight.

The best-selling of all Christian books in recent years, Rick Warren's The Purpose-Driven Life, illustrates the possibilities. It has all the hallmarks of self-absorption (in one five-page chapter, I counted sixty-five uses of the word “you”), but it also makes a powerful case that we're made for mission. What that mission is never becomes clear, but the thirst for it is real. And there's no great need for Warren to state that purpose anyhow. For Christians, the plainspoken message of the Gospels is clear enough. If you have any doubts, read the Sermon on the Mount. Admittedly, this is hope against hope; more likely the money changers and power brokers will remain ascendant in our “spiritual” life. Since the days of Constantine, emperors and rich men have sought to co-opt the teachings of Jesus. As in so many areas of our increasingly market-tested lives, the co-opters—the TV men, the politicians, the Christian “interest groups”—have found a way to make each of us complicit in that travesty, too. They have invited us to subvert the church of Jesus even as we celebrate it. With their help we have made golden calves of ourselves—become a nation of terrified, self-obsessed idols. It works, and it may well keep working for a long time to come. When Americans hunger for selfless love and are fed only love of self, they will remain hungry, and too often hungry people just come back for more of the same.

Monday, April 04, 2016

Dear Brother

Walking the roads of our youth
through the land of our childhood, our home and our truth
Be near me, guide me
always stay beside me so i can be free
Free.

Let's roam this place
familiar and vast
our playground of green frames, our past

We were wanderers
never lost, always home
When every place was fenceless
and time was endless
our ways were always the same

Cool my demons and walk with me brother
until our roads lead us away from each other
and if your heart’s full of sorrow, keep walking, don’t rest
and promise me from heart to chest
to never let your memories die, never
I will always be alive and by your side,
in your mind

I'm free.

Saturday, April 02, 2016

Brene Brown on Shame

Thanks to a guy I recently reconnected with (we knew each other in high school), I watched a Ted Talk on Youtube that featured Brene Brown.

First things first - if you haven't watched a Ted Talk, you're missing out. It's basically a twenty minute talk by someone relatively famous or well-known in their field. I've watched talks from Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms, Sam Harris, Daniel Goleman and others.

In the below talk, Brene Brown talks about shame. How it's different from guilt, and how men and women encounter and deal with shame in different ways:



Watch this clip and understand shame a little better. Here are a few quotes from it.

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity, innovation and change."

"It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena - whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena - at best, he wins; at worst, he loses. But when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly."
(this is a loose paraphrase of a Teddy Roosevelt quote.)

"Shame talks out of two tapes in our head: 'You're never good enough" and "Who do you think you are?"

Difference between guilt and shame:

Guilt focuses on behavior, shame focuses on self
Guilt says "I did something bad", shame says "I am bad."
Guilt says "I made a mistake", shame says "I am a mistake."

Shame for men = the perception that one is weak.

"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than to fall down."

"Empathy is the antidote to shame."

"If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment."

"The two most powerful words in dealing with shame: Me Too."

Me too is the mantra of a church I highly respect. Any relationship we have should always start with those two words: me too.

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

In Celebration of Casimir Pulaski Day (Part Two)

To continue the Weeklings article, this is where the author breaks down the song: 

First verse:
Goldenrod and the 4H stone 
The things I brought you when I found out
You had cancer of the bone 

 The unusual and useless items hint at the narrator’s age—probably 12 or 13, on the cusp of puberty—when he finds out she has bone cancer.

Your father cried on the telephone
And he drove his car into the Navy yard
Just to prove that he was sorry

The most cryptic passage in the song; chronologically, the last event that happens (see below).

In the morning, through the window shade
With the light pressed up against your shoulderblade
I could see what you were reading

He’s walking by her house. This tells us that they’re neighbors. The exact nature of her reading material is never revealed; it could be the Bible, or perhaps a love letter—something that was special to the two of them.

All the glory that the Lord has made
And the complications you could do without
When I kissed you on the mouth

The first line will be repeated several times throughout the song; this is its first appearance. There is the whiff of irony about its use, but its meaning is still unclear now. What is not unclear is how he feels about her: not just love, but romantic love, probably the first time he’s felt it.

Second verse:
Tuesday night at the Bible study 
We lift our hands and pray over your body 
But nothing ever happens 

We know she died on a Monday, because Casimir Pulaski Day is observed as a holiday in Illinois on the first Monday in March (see below). “Tuesday,” then, is a week before she died. “Bible study” tells us that they are both religious Christians, and go to the same church. This and the proximity of their houses suggests that they’ve known each other for some time. The line “nothing ever happens” not only tells us that the Bible study group has prayed for her on many occasions, but hints at the agnostic doubts that have begun to creep into the narrator’s mind.

I remember at Michael’s house
In the living room when you kissed my neck
And I almost touched your blouse

Michael is probably a friend, or perhaps the adult who leads the Bible study group. “You kissed my neck” reveals her feelings about the narrator—she loves him, too. “I almost touched your blouse” reinforces the suggestion in the first verse that the narrator is 12 or 13; any younger and he wouldn’t be trying for second base; any older and he wouldn’t mention it.

In the morning at the top of the stairs
When your father found out what we did that night 
And you told me you were scared 

My guess is that “what we did that night” was spend the night together in her bed. Not in a sexual way; in a tender, supportive, hold-me-don’t-leave-me-alone way.

All the glory when you ran outside
With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied
And you told me not to follow you

Again, not so glorious. He screwed up. He tried to get a little further—he touched her blouse this time—and she didn’t like it. She tucked in her shirt for emphasis, but she didn’t bother with the shoes. Then we have a break in the song, and a hauntingly simple, achingly beautiful trumpet takes the melody. This represents a change in her physical condition, and his emotional one.

Third verse:
Sunday night when I cleaned the house
I found the card where you wrote it out
With the pictures of your mother

He’s in her house, not his. The hospice nurse is there (see below). Her father is with her. He’s making himself useful, tidying up, and comes across this special artifact. Her mother is not there, and the only way she wouldn’t be sitting with her dying daughter is if she were already dead. Death is no stranger to this house.

On the floor at the Great Divide
With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied
I am crying in the bathroom

It’s the moment of truth. They know it’s almost over. The “Great Divide” is what separates the living from the dead. He notices that his shirt is tucked in and his shoes are untied, as hers were when he took it too far, and that sets him off. He finally breaks down, in the bathroom, away from the bed.

In the morning when you finally go 
And the nurse runs in with her head held low
And the cardinal hits the window

It’s the next day, Monday. She held on longer than expected. The presence of the nurse indicates a hospice situation. And no sooner does the girl die than a bird crashes into the window. Her window. The same one he used to look into.

In the morning in the winter shade 
On the first of March, on the holiday 
I thought I saw you breathing

He came into the room and saw her body. He thought she was still alive, but she wasn’t. She was gone.

All the glory that the Lord has made 
And the complications when I see His face 
In the evening in the window

Chronologically, this is a bit later, after the funeral probably. He’s reflecting on what has happened. The “complications” are his own feelings about God and religion. All that belief, all that prayer, and for what? God took her anyway. It’s not God’s face but his own that he sees in the mirror of the evening window. Message: he is alone in the world.

All the glory when He took our place
But He took my shoulders and He shook my face
And He takes and He takes and He takes

The first line—“when He took our place”—is shorthand for Jesus dying on the cross, sacrificing Himself so that we can all be saved. But the narrator is angry at Jesus, angry at God, for taking not only the love of his life, not only her mother, but also her father (“He takes” is repeated, crucially, three times).

Now the cryptic passage from the first verse makes more sense:

Your father cried on the telephone
And he drove his car into the Navy yard
Just to prove that he was sorry

Her father spoke to the narrator, tried to explain himself (Had he denied her medical assistance for religious reasons? Was there some way that he felt responsible for what happened?), and then, tragically, “drove his car into the Navy Yard,” that is, off a bridge. He committed suicide. And the narrator has lost the entire beloved family. As long as he lives in Illinois, the narrator will have no school or work on the day she died. The rest of the state will unknowingly observe her death. But the cruel irony is that she died on a day already reserved for a long-dead military man with an egergiously masculine name.

This poor little girl, recipient of goldenrod and the 4H stone, the love of the narrator’s life, will forever be associated with, and overshadowed by, the cold and manly Casimir Pulaski.

--------

I love how this author explains the song. And the song is typical Sufjan: trying to make sense of tragedy and heartache. Of love and sacrifice. When I look in my own life, I have a hard time understanding, just as Sufjan does with his last line of the song, why "God" takes and takes and takes. Especially when it comes to some of us. Why is it that some people go through life with no problems whatsoever - sure, their parents day of old age, but that's to be expected - but others have tragedy after heartbreak after heartache after suffering? I've never heard any explanation that is satisfying; no encouragement that has really been a salve on my own life wounds. Perhaps I need to find my own obscure city holiday and write a song that weaves my own personal story with the story of the hero that holiday celebrates. It might not help me completely understand, but maybe it can help me through some of the questions.

In Celebration of Casimir Pulaski Day (Part One)

If you know me, you know how much I love Sufjan Stevens. I said at the beginning of this year that my favorite album of last year was "Carrie And Lowell" by him. For me, not only was the music stunning (and I'm thankful that he has gotten back to his more eclectic folky roots), but the lyrics were very cathartic for me in trying to get through the grief over my brother's death. One thing I love about Sufjan and his music is how through some of his songs I have learned new things. Also, if you know me, you know that I love knowledge. I love to know things. And thankfully I mostly remember what I learn. Especially if it's useless trivia, haha. One of my favorite albums of all time is "Come On and Feel the Illinoise" by Sufjan, and my favorite song of that album refers to a very obscure holiday that people in Chicago apparently celebrate, called Casimir Pulaski Day. Now Casimir Pulaski day was yesterday, and I was all set to write about it yesterday, but I forgot. (Although I can remember trivia, I have a hard time remembering what I'm supposed to do every day.) This song about the holiday is interesting to me, not only because I love the music, but because Sufjan talks about a childhood friend who he had some kind of romantic relationship with, who died on bone cancer later on in life. Here's the song, in case you haven't heard it and wanted to:

 

I was looking up what some of the lyrics meant, and came across this interesting tidbit about it.

 - The best (and best-known) Pulaski Day tribute comes from one-time Chicagoan Sufjan Stevens. On his album Illinois, Stevens used “Casimir Pulaski Day” to remember both the holiday and his friend, who’d been battling bone cancer. With lines like, “In the morning / In the winter shade / On the first of March / On the holiday / I thought I saw you breathing,” Stevens manages to make the somewhat boisterous but potentially icy holiday lushly reverent, something that’s not all that surprising knowing both Stevens’ history and the track’s tone.

Though Stevens repeatedly extols “all the glory that the Lord has made,” he ends the song instead possibly questioning God’s intentions, especially after his friend’s death on the track’s titular holiday. Though part of life is death, Stevens still struggles with God when, as he puts it, “He takes and he takes and he takes.” Listeners feel his pain acutely, especially as the song slides into Illinois’ next track, the instrumental, “To The Workers Of The Rock River Valley Region, I Have An Idea Concerning Your Predicament.”

Like the holiday itself, “Casimir Pulaski Day” is about remembrance—even if, years later, we might not even be sure what we’re paying tribute to anymore.

The Weeklings have an even better tribute to the song: (Come on Feel the) Illinoise, the second installment in his proposed-but-as-yet-unfinished Fifty States Project, is, for my money, the best album made in the oughts. At turns lush and spare, it features the soaring“Chicago” (the best song of the decade, it says here), the frantic “The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts,” the 5/4-time title track, and the devastatingly beautiful “Casimir Pulaski Day,” known in our house as, simply, “Sad Song.”

The Weeds incident was not the first example of Stevens’ power. When my son was two, he was having a tantrum, as two-year-olds will. As he screamed and complained, “Casimir Pulaski Day” came on the iPod. He immediately stopped crying, as if a button had been switched off on his back, and walked to the speakers, listening intently, spellbound by the music. “This is a sad song,” I told him. “Sad Song,” he repeated. And so it has remained.

I’ve listened to “Sad Song” hundreds if not thousands of times. I don’t mean I had it on while I was driving, or in the background with friends over; I’ve listened to it. I hummed the trumpet part to my daughter the night she was born. I’ve sung it to her and my son as a lullaby countless times, and each time, as I sing lyrics I know by heart, some new flash of insight hits me. It’s a song that never fails to move me.

“Casimir Pulaski Day,” the seventh track on the Illinoise, concerns a young man’s memory of the week leading up to the death of his dearest friend. It is unquestionably the best song ever written about a 12-year-old girl dying of bone cancer. There is an adolescent and artless quality to the lyrics. There is no metaphor, no fancy fifty-cent words, no coherent structure. The story itself is poorly told; we must assemble and organize the traces of the narrator’s memory to deduce what happened. The music underscores this simplicity: the same four chords repeated over and over, uncluttered arrangement, none of the swirling synthesizers and female chorales and abrupt shifts in dynamics that characterize “Chicago” and “The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts.” But it is this very artlessness that makes the song so moving.

“Casimir Pulaski Day” is artless in the way that The Catcher in the Rye is artless, its simplicity belying the thematic complexity lurking beneath the juvenile surface. This is a song about grief, about coping with the loss of a loved one, and, deeper still, about reconciling that death with the existence of a just and benevolent God, in Whom the narrator has grown up believing. On closer inspection, there is a distinct design to the lyrics. The repetition of key words—night, face, morning, glory, window, shoulder—suggests a sestina and hints at the larger story. The vignettes remembered by the narrator—the futile night at the Bible study, the kiss at Michael’s house, meeting her father at the top of the stairs, and so forth—are not chronological, but seem to come to the narrator as he speaks.

(this is part one)

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Linkin Park's In The End through movies

Yeah, it's been awhile again but I'm going to try and update this blog more often. I mean I only have a few posts since 2012 so it shouldn't be too hard haha. Anyway, I thought this was an amazing achievement: taking the song "In The End" by Linkin Park and recreating it using quotes from movies. 183 movies to be exact. Check it out!


Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Is Your Christianity Americanized?

So.....I don't want to get in trouble for posting my opinion on hot button issues on Facebook, so I've decided to start blogging again. That way you can choose to read or not read what I have to say, whereas on Facebook, you can.....choose to read or not read what I have to say. Hmmm. 

Anyway, Benjamin Corey has been hitting it out of the park lately on his Formerly Fundie blog - you have to read his take this week on Franklin Graham - and today he posted about Christianity in America for the most part just being a nationalistic religion with little resemblance to the movement that Jesus and his followers started. 

Even if you disagree with his premise, it will definitely make you think. You can find it here:


Sunday, November 04, 2012

A pretty cool explanation of the meaning behind the lyrics of Mumford And Sons' song Sigh No More:

It's been almost 15 years since I had the great fortune to play the role of Signior Benedick in a regional theater production of "Much Ado About Nothing". But, when I heard the first line to "Sigh No More" ("Serve God, love me, and mend") I knew it immediately.

Many (but not all) of the lines to "Sigh No More" are taken directly from "Much Ado About Nothing" (MAAN)

If only one or two lines of the song were from MAAN, it could be considered "artistic license". But more than half of the lines are pretty much direct quotes from MAAN.

So, it makes sense to first know a little about the plot of the play. While there are several sub-plots, the primary story follows Benedick and Beatrice.

Benedick and Beatrice have known each other for many years. (Beatrice: "You always end with a jade's trick: I know you of old.")

Benedick, a veteran soldier, is an avowed bachelor ... as is Beatrice.

But, they are not just common acquaintances. There are hints of an earlier relationship between them ... one that did not end so well. Perhaps with infidelity on the part of Benedick:
DON PEDRO: Come, lady, come; you have lost the heart of Signior Benedick.
BEATRICE : Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile; and I gave him use for it,
a double heart for his single one: marry, once before he won it of me
with false dice, therefore your grace may well say I have lost it.

They have an obvious attraction to each other that all can see. However, they are constantly jibing and parrying with each other. There is a "merry war" between them.

Benedick starts the play railing against love: "I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart; for, truly, I love none." And "I will live a bachelor."

As does Beatrice: "I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me."

Their friends and family conspire to make them fall in love with each other (or at least, to admit that they already ARE in love with each other) by simply letting each one know that the other secretly loves them.

It is while Benedick's friends are in the process of tricking him that Balthasar sings his song:
Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never:
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny.

Benedick then "overhears" (by design) his friend's conversation that Beatrice loves him and she is too proud/frightened to tell him. His friends leave him to ponder this and he delivers a pretty great Shakespearean monologue with lines like:
"Love me! Why, it must be requited!"
"I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me, because I have
railed so long against marriage: but doth not the appetite alter?"

Beatrice's friends and family do the same thing to her ... and it works just as well:
"Benedick, love on; I will requite thee!"
"If thou dost love, my kindness shall incite thee to bind our loves up in a holy band"

Claudio (Benedick's friend) and Hero (Beatrice's cousin) are the young lovers in the play. They are engaged to be married. On the wedding day, Claudio arrives and essentially calls off the wedding, claiming that Hero has been unfaithful ... that he saw her the night before, at her window, with another man. This is all a choreographed ruse perpetrated by Don John, the "villain" of the play. (But nobody figures this out until later on).

Beatrice is heart-broken for her cousin, and angry that Claudio would defame Hero. Benedick attempts to comfort Beatrice and eventually confesses: "I do love nothing in the world so well as you: is not that strange?" Beatrice then confesses that she loves Benedick, and things get really interesting ...

BEATRICE: You have stayed me in a happy hour: I was about to protest I loved you.
BENEDICK: And do it with all thy heart.
BEATRICE: I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest.
BENEDICK: Come, bid me do any thing for thee.
BEATRICE: Kill Claudio.

(As an aside here, that line above is one of the reasons why people are still performing this guy's plays 400 years after he died. "I love you", "Prove it ... kill your best friend")

Benedick tries to calm Beatrice down ... to explain that there must be some kind of mistake, that Claudio is not this evil person that he appears to be. Beatrice will hear nothing of it. She is angered that she even needs to ask someone else (a man) to take care of this for her: "O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the marketplace."

Eventually, her grief and emotion are too much for Benedick to bear and he agrees to fight his friend to the death.

Benedick challenges Claudio: "You are a villain; I jest not: I will make it good how you dare, with what you dare, and when you dare." (NOTE: Benedick is a much more seasoned warrior than Claudio and he will dispatch him quickly. Benedick and Claudio know this.)

Luckily, the world's dumbest town sheriff (Constable Dogberry) stumbles upon some of Don John's men bragging about the treachery they performed (framing Hero). Therefore, everyone discovers that Hero was not unfaithful after all.

Word of this discovery has not yet reached Benedick and Beatrice. He meets with Beatrice to confirm that he has challenged Claudio. They have a playful moment where they once again express love for each other. But there is a serious undertone as well ... Benedick knowing that he will have to deal with Claudio, and Beatrice knowing that her cousin Hero has taken ill from the stress and grief she feels. This all leads to the following exchange:
BENEDICK: ...how doth your cousin?
BEATRICE: Very ill.
BENEDICK: And how do you?
BEATRICE: Very ill too.
BENEDICK: Serve God, love me and mend.

This is an incredibly gentle, loving moment. And, it can be thought of as a sort of "emotional climax" for the play. Until now, all of the declarations of love and hate between Beatrice and Benedick were grand statements, sweeping gestures. Here it is simple, basic, perfect ... "I will protect you".

And amazingly, the very NEXT line of the play is delivered by a handmaiden who runs in to inform Beatrice and Benedick that: "...it is proved my Lady Hero hath been falsely accused, the prince and Claudio mightily abused; and Don John is the author of all!"

So in the end, Claudio marries Hero and Benedick marries Beatrice. This is where Benedick says (to Claudio) "live unbruised" and also "we are friends".

Everyone rails at Benedick (the professed bachelor is now getting married).
He defends his position as best he can:
"In brief, since I do purpose to marry, I will think nothing to any
purpose that the world can say against it; and therefore never flout
at me for what I have said against it; for man is a giddy thing,
and this is my conclusion."

The play has been a journey for Benedick ... to understand the nature of love.
He is given several lengthy monologues on the subject and spends much time debating the nature of love and whether it really has a roll in his life. But, in the end, it is the moment when he says "Serve God, love me, and mend" where he realizes the simplicity of it. Love is impossible to describe. Impossible to understand. Impossible to control. Impossible to ignore. Love just IS. For man is a giddy thing.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Something to ponder


“Value yourself. The only people who appreciate a doormat are people with dirty shoes.” Leo Buscaglia

Friday, September 21, 2012

Heartbreaking.

YouTube has a lot of really dumb stuff on it. Mostly involving cats. :D (I watch anyways)

 But sometimes you see a Youtube video that shakes you to your very core. In the below video, a comedian talks about a tragic situation in his life that involved his two year old daughter. At the same time, he was being invited to the Tonight Show to be the comedian and then invited back because he did so well. So on one hand his professional life is booming - he's funny, he's moving up in the comedy world. On the other hand, his personal life is falling apart - his daughter is sick with cancer, he has medical bills to pay, his car is about to repossessed. So he talks about how his material started getting darker and darker due to what was going on in his life but his agent told him he needed to keep it light and funny because that's what people want to hear. It's a heartbreaking story. And it's hard to watch a man break down when he's supposed to be "entertaining" the audience. The audience is kind to him though, which makes things better.

 All of this reminded me of the ministry "profession." In a similar fashion, a minister who is up on stage, whether preaching or leading music or whatever, is supposed to keep it together. They are seen as the experts in God and how to live the Christian life, so their job is to reassure the congregation that it can be done, that all you need to do is follow these certain steps or read this certain Bible passage or sing these kind of songs, and everything will be just fine. Keep it light, keep things joyful, point to the blessings and the promises in the Bible.

We don't want to see the person up on stage struggling. We certainly don't want them to let us down by showing that they aren't perfect, that not everything in their life is peachy, that they wrestle with doubt, that bad things happen to them, that they don't have all the answers, that their prayers sometimes seem to fall on deaf ears, that their family members get cancer, that they have fights with their spouse, that they are tempted, that they take medication for depression, that some days they don't feel like praying, that they question their calling, that they have insecurities...that they are human. Is it any wonder that the pressures of acting like one has everything together all the time leads to an alarming number of ministers quitting their profession, leaving the church altogether? 

Just some thoughts rattling around in my brain. I don't have the answer. But I do know that I struggle with some of the above stuff. And I try not to let those things leak into what I do on Sunday mornings. But sometimes they do. And I think that it is as much my responsibility to not act like a superhuman Jesus Junior as it is for people to let me be who God has called me to be: a flawed human who is looking to Jesus for strength, hope, healing, and redemption.