I once almost lost a friendship over creamed corn.
No, really.
I had a roommate in college; Let's call him...Matt. The names have not been changed for protection. (I always laugh when I read stories and the names have been changed. As if we're going to know who the writer is talking about. "Oh, yeah, Mary. Yeah, that's right, Mary was a tramp who cheated on her boyfriend and tested positive for HIV." Do you know how many Marys there are in the world? Anyways...)
Matt and I were in the kitchen - he was making his chicken fried rice, I believe, and I was about ready to make my obligatory mac and cheese (my college diet), when Matt pulled out a can of creamed corn from the pantry. Here's the conversation that followed:
Me: "Creamed corn, ugh."
Matt: "What's wrong with creamed corn?"
Me: "Well, personally, I don't like to eat something that looks like I already ate it, if you know what I mean."
Matt: "No, I don't know what you mean. You're an idiot. Just because something doesn't look right to you, doesn't mean it's inedible. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
Me: "Right!" (in Monty Python English, where I then pull out my sword and lop off his arm in Black Knight style)
Okay, that last part was made up. But we did almost come to blows. And we didn't talk to each other for three weeks after the incident.Here's the kicker: it wasn't really about the creamed corn. This was an argument waiting to happen because of several incidents piled on top of each other that finally overflowed over in anger and rage.
There was the incident two weeks before, where Matt asked to borrow my car, which I agreed to let him do so on the one condition that he brought it back by 7 p.m., as I had a date with a rather beautiful blond I had been getting the nerve up to ask for three months - I asked, she said yes. 6:30 p.m. rolled by, and I was nervous. 6:50 came and I was more than nervous, I was angry. At 7:15 I canceled my date and roamed our apartment looking for sharp instruments to impale my roommate with. By 8:30, I had the look of a disgruntled postal worker. Finally, I walked the 2 miles to go to the college I was attending (I was obviously an off-campus student), found my car and took it back to my apartment. Matt called and said, "Hey dude, your car was stolen, I think." Then there were other less major incidents, including times when I made him upset and angry.
Here's the point of my rant: If we would have dealt with each problem and misunderstanding as they happened, we would have never almost killed each other over "The Creamed Corn Incident." But that's the world for you, isn't it?We will do anything as humanly possible to avoid conflict. We would rather give someone "the silent treatment", or talk about the problem to someone else, hoping that somehow the person who we have a conflict will hear through the grapevine and will fall at our feet in repentance and cries for mercy. But it usually just makes the other person angry because they don't know why we are treating them that way.
Barbara Pachter, in her book "The Power of Positive Confrontation", says that there are 12 kinds of behaviors that drive us nuts:
1. Space Spongers. These are people who play their music too loud, leave messes for others to clean up, neighbors who let dogs in our yard, or co-workers who don't respect our property.
2. Telephone Traitors. When you deal with this person, you might have complaints like these: "I have to do all the calling." "She never calls me back." "He only calls when he wants something."
3. Bad Borrowers. They return your car with no gas (or ahem, not in time for a date), CDs with scratches, and money they borrow never gets paid back.
4. Constant Complainers. Everyone knows one - the person who always had a problem or gripe that never gets resolved.
5. Interloping Interrupters. People don't like to be interrupted or not to be given an opportunity to join equally in a conversation.
6. Callous Commenters. Among other things, this can be the neighbor who makes nasty comments or the person telling racist or sexist jokes. You don't like what this person says.
7. Work Welchers. Some people just don't do their fair share whether at home, work, or on the volunteer committee.
8. Favoritism Frustration. "What about me?" Your boss gives his pals the best projects or your mother-in-law gives better presents to her daughter's kids.
9. Holiday Hogs. Your spouse always wants to spend the holidays with his or her family. One of you wants to go to Hawaii for vacation; the other wants to hike the Appalachian trail.
10. Request Refusers. You ask your spouse to be on time for dinner. Your co-worker knows you need the report by 2 p.m., but doesn't deliver; your client will not give the tax information you've asked for. These are people who say they will grant your request by don't.
11. Atrocious Askers. You're asked to do something by your friend, boss, or loved one that you don't want to do or don't agree with.
12. Interloping Loved Ones. Some people want to tell you what they think - even if you don't want to hear it. (my grandmother comes to mind.)
Who hasn't had to deal with these kind of people. Shoot, I'm a minister - I guarantee you that I deal with all twelve on a weekly basis. What do we do in these situations? How do we make sure that these conflicts don't become "creamed corn incidents?"
The best advice I've ever been given on conflict resolution didn't come in a class or from a book. Rather, it came from the greatest teacher that ever lived (who also happens to be our Savior): "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.""If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."
(Wouldn't that be great? "I no longer consider you my friend for right now - right now, you are a pagan to me." Of course if we follow Jesus' steps above, no conflict would ever come to that.)
Imagine what would happen with all of our conflicts and our broken relationships if we followed the words of Jesus. Imagine if we were honest with people with how we felt immediately in a situation, rather than harboring resentment towards those people after not dealing with the problems over and over again.
And imagine the numbers of creamed corn cans that would be saved. Of course it would still look like it's already been thrown up - and if you have a problem with that, will you let me know now? Otherwise, I may be throwing the can at you later.
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