Move Over Reality T.V., Make Room For Pet Weddings

This is from 02.23.03:


There should be pet weddings.

No, that's not what I mean. I think they already have weddings between pets on the Animal Planet channel, right before "The Planet's Funniest Animals" and right after "Pet Detective". Or maybe they don't have that yet. No matter.

What I mean is that there should be an official ceremony between pets and owners that link them together for the rest of their lives.Why am I ranting about this?

Well, my wife is pregnant. And a lot of people have asked us questions about what is going to happen when the baby is born. Questions like, "What color are you going to paint the baby room?"; "Are you going to breast feed or bottle feed?" (usually, I turn away from a conversation if that question is asked, clear my throat, and try to find something else to do, like pick up a scorpion, or play with knives or ANYTHING ELSE BUT ANSWER THAT QUESTION!)

Or this question: "Well, are you going to give your cat up when the baby is born?"What? Quoi? (insert other language term of the question what here)?

"Well, yeah, a lot of times cats don't do well with babies. They may try to smother the baby trying to get warm. Or I've heard of cats that are so mad at the baby that they pee in the crib."

Umm, hey dorkwad. It's called, "close your baby room door so the cat can't get in, okay?"

I'm not giving up my cat for anything. He's been with us for six years, and he is a part of our family , no questions asked. You see, I'm not one of those people who love and take care of a pet only if it's convenient, or as long as it's not a bother, or unless it screws up. No way, Jose.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who do just that. That's why the pounds are full of cats and dogs. That's why millions and millions of unwanted pets every year are euthanized. Because people get pets because they're supposed to. Or because their kid wants one, and then ends up torturing the pet so that it's mean. Of course it's the pet's fault, so the pet goes back to the pound.

So I'm offering a solution. Let's institute a "marriage" ceremony of sorts. Let's say our vows, that we will love our pets - in sickness and health, when they behave and when they don't, when it's convenient and when it's not, when we move to a new state and when we don't (I have never understood this reasoning of taking a pet to the pound - because you're moving. So? All your crappy furniture is going with you.), till death do us part, Amen.

Are dogs going to heaven? Nope. Do cats get to go with us to those pearly gates? Probably not.But that doesn't mean that we can't make it heaven on earth for our pets by taking care of them, and loving them in the same way that they so unconditionally love us.

Just make sure the wedding rings are non-chewable.